Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds

I've been trying to be on the positive side about everything that's been heading my way. There are a lot of things I have to be grateful for, and yet I always seem to mull over the things I don't have.

Mostly, I've just been upset about my job. It really hit me hard to be back in a call center, but its what I know. No one wants to hire someone inexperienced for a position especially with all the highly qualified candidates that are out of jobs due to our failing economy. In fact, I should be thankful I even found a job. And I am. I just don't work well in a call center atmosphere. Its too "watching you like a hawk." And I have noticed that I thrive better in places that know I'm capable and allow me to do my job without putting the pressure of watching my every move. But, I have a job it pays decent. And quite frankly my life does not suck.

I have however recently received a blow from a close friend and that in and of itself has rendered me speechless. Its not often that a person will come out and lay my faults on the table for me to see. I can't say I welcome it because lets be honest no one ever wants to hear that how they function is bad, especially if those words come from someone they admire quite a bit.

My biggest problem is I'm apparently too negative. I focus on what's bad instead of what's good. This is something I've always known and I know its due to that horrible sin that is known as envy. It's also part of my never ending search for perfect. What I don't realize is perfection is never going to happen. Or maybe I do realize it, but I choose not to concede.

The strange thing about being told I'm too negative is that I always seem to be telling others to remain positive. In certain situations I allow people to see all of me and I'm afraid that has given certain people the impression that I'm negative. It seems that I wear a mask around others to hide what is truly there. However, one might agree that its necessary to function each day with a certain degree of protection. This is where my masks come in. But that is only a reason, its not an excuse.

I have no excuse for why I have behaved the way I have nor do I want to make excuses for my actions. I just know that I would not and do not want to be looked at as a negative person.

Moving to New Jersey was one of my better decisions. I could not be more happy with an area. There's so much to learn and so much to see. I love that everything moves at a little bit faster pace. I wake up each morning and think "yes, I've finally gotten to where I've dreamed." I say this because I can hop in my car and drive 20 minutes and be standing with my hands against rails feeling a breeze from the Hudson while waves lap against rock and there before me is my city. With jutting buildings reaching towards heavens. It makes me feel like a child. The excitement pumping through my veins not knowing what path to choose. And if someone looked at me in that exact moment they'd see the contentment, a sparkle in my eyes, because something I've always wanted is a Ferrie/Bridge/train ride away.

And I think that when I find myself falling into a slump and I begin to think of how I miss my friends and I feel so lonely for putting myself here. I know that I did it because I finally decided to think about myself and where I wanted to be. This time I didn't hold back because I feared the unknown. This time I didn't hold back because I feared what others would say. And this time I didn't hold back because I couldn't leave my friends. Because this time I knew that it would be okay. And that my friends would always be there when things seem to fall.
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I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines, been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds. I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind. Would the wind be at my back ? Could I get you off my mind....This time.