Just like a picture with a broken frame...

I had a hard time being at the reception for the Scholarship I received from school. I had a hard time because I was looking around and seeing people with family and support, and I allowed myself to sink.

Don't get me wrong, I know I have family behind me, I know that across the states I have people there excited about my achievements. I totally see that, and I am aware of thier presence. I allowed myself to fall into self-pity for what I didn’t have. What I couldn’t have. Events like this always seem to get me and I can never accept them as they are. I’m never able to just say:

“Listen Jennie, you will never have your mom be there to receive you after you achieve something. You will not have parents to give you away when/if you ever get married just like your parents didn’t put a dedication for you in the back of your high school yearbook. These are not the cards you were dealt, deal with it and move on.”

No I can never just suck it up and be happy in the moment. Instead I look at what I didn’t have there. I didn’t have a support system. I didn’t have anyone cheering as my name was called and I took the stage and posed with my scholarship donators. It’s not like I can blame anyone, I’m the one who choose to move to a state where I hardly knew anyone. I’m the one who decided I didn’t need to be close to family. So why am I so shocked when I look out in an audience and no one is there looking back on me?
I guess what really hits me is the fact that growing up, despite my mother being such a selfish ass hole, she did encourage me. She did tell me she was proud of me for being so smart. She would brag to her friends about me and they would constantly tell me how bright she thought I was. My mother said she never had to worry about me scholastically because I was just one of those students that “got it.” She never had to tell me to do my homework, because it was always done. And in my stupid longing for a mother and acceptance I wanted her to be in the audience witnessing my first Scholarship, not because I didn’t have the money to do something (though that was part of it.) I got a scholarship because I focused, and I managed to maintain an awesome GPA. I have something to be proud of and in this moment, I wanted my mother there.

And that in and of it self disgusts me.