A girl I went to high school told me she always admired my confidence in high school. It got me thinking about what confidence really meant. In high school, I was never very confident; I was just involved in my own tormented world that it was hard for much to get through my hard shell and into the core of my being. And surely that’s not confidence. Anyone can take a million pictures and find one that they look good in, after all, it truly is about angles. I'm queen of angles. My family makes fun of me for them, maybe not in effort to hurt me, but never the less, a certain photo style is now considered a "Jennie Photo" - And really? It was way of making myself feel beautiful, because no one else was going to. And surely that's not confidence? But even now, I don't feel so vain and even less beautiful.
Really, my weight has been heavily on my mind these past few weeks. I had friends in town and they wanted a tour of NYC and I felt like I was holding them back because I couldn’t walk as fast or as long. Never mind that the heat was a factor, walking caused my a lot of pain in my head. I thought my head was going to explode, I got lightheaded on several accounts but I pushed myself to move forward with breaks, but I still don’t feel as though I accomplished anything.
I make excuses that I’m more of a wanderer who likes to take things in in different spots, but its also because my body cannot handle the physical exertion. My body has hit a point where I’m no longer comfortable in my own skin and this scares me. I don’t have a whole lot of will power, though I am stubborn. And I can’t wrap my brain around the idea that you have to not have certain foods. I happen to love food and it pisses me off that I can’t eat it. I understand that everything in moderation, and I really have been trying to watch that, make better choices on what I do eat, but sometimes you just want a huge slice of chocolate cake, with ice cream.
I have a lot swirling around in my brain lately, Its taking more for me to feel good about myself than it used to. It used to be easy for me to feel beautiful or pretty and now, I feel the darker shadow of me more than the beautiful me.
It’s hard to even say these things out loud, and honestly even harder to type it. Because the feeling being that, as a writer, there is more truth in what I write then what I say. When I write, I’m allowed to say anything, without the fear of crying, or getting angry, when I talk I fear crying and getting angry. I fear people seeing the emotion on my face or hearing it in my voice, even though arguably, you can feel emotions in words, if one is a good writer or even mediocre.
I have a lot of hang-ups about losing weight, a lot of stigmas that keep me rooted in my opinions. For one, I absolutely hate sweating. And for two, I never understand the euphoria feeling people get after they’ve been to a gym or worked out. I don’t get it. I get light headed and stomach achy. I’m also a sucker when it comes to pain, I can’t tolerate it very well, at all. If you exercise right there should be pain right? I can’t wrap my brain around that Idea either. And you know, perhaps these are all just road blocks I’m putting in my way, but I’d much rather hang out in a pool any day than sweat myself to death on a treadmill. But I don’t really have regular access to a pool nor the funds to have access to a pool... Sometimes your batting Zero (That reference was for you Emily)
I’m ready for a change in scenery and a change in me, hopefully within the next few months I can truly get over myself and get on to being a better me physically, mentally and also educationally. I’m so ready for chapter *insert whatever number this is.*
Maybe then I can find the right confidence, the true kind that I feel inside and out.
Maybe then I can be more than just a pretty face.
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