“So make your siren's call, and sing all you want I will not hear what you have to say Cause I need freedom now and I need to know how to live my life as it's meant to be”
I was going to write about how ridiculous I thought it was that a childhood friend deleted me from her Facebook after I went to this horrific of a time wedding shelling out thousands of dollars to be present on her magical day while she treated me like a leaper most of the weekend – But then I realized she wasn’t much of a friend. The wedding was pretty and she looked fantastic and happy, so in the end, I guess that is all that matters to her. Not the fact that I’ve been there for her through so much, the death of her grandfather when according to her, her other friends weren’t. She was vaguely there for my grandmothers death, and only if it was convenient.
Well, I suppose I did write about it after all. But it's not about deleting me from Facebook and blocking me entirely. It’s about how she never once approached me to talk to me – she never once took my feelings into consideration. And, after 16 years of friendship, you would expect more. However, given the maturity of her, it only makes sense. And I know in her mind it was probably because I “didn’t want to see her happy” – And that is bullshit, but if that’s the lie she has to weave to justify her actions there isn’t much I can do at this point. In the end I was a decent friend. Or at least I would like to think I was, however, I will never know because she wasn’t a woman enough to talk to me.
Which brings me to my next case, I have a hording problem – Not that I collect junk, but rather I collect these ‘friends’ and I keep them close to me in effort to have control over something tangible. Having moved so often as a child and losing a lot of possessions It was like I made this silent vow to keep track of the friends I did have and hold on to some sense of normalcy of getting older with some friends. I remember when my step-dad told me that the friends I had as a jr high student would not be the same friends I had in adulthood. But through my hording ways, the core people I was friends with in Jr high with, are still people I consider my oldest and best friends.
I’ve got to realize when a friendship is just junk collecting clutter in my life and taking up too much of my emotional energy, and finally have the strength to clean out my ever so junked up emotional house and only keep the things that will enrich or bring meaning to my life.
Over a conversation with my aunt she mentioned how my friends were my life, how I depended too heavily upon them my whole life, more so than most. They were/are the feet I stood/stand on, they mean everything to me, and the reality of it is – They were this because of my inability to feel the love in my own home that I sought the approval and love elsewhere. Some of my friends are crucial in my survival this long.
But when is it that I stop living for them and start living for me?
The answer is now.
Because “I’ll find strength in pain” and “I have other things to fill my time, you take what was yours and I’ll take what was mine”
“Despite my faults and despite my growing fears, I will hold on hope.”
3 comments:
I think the one thing for me as your friend is to always try to see your side. Sometimes that is hard for anyone, but I know always even through our battles we have found a way to forgive. I know I have never been completely innocent in any hurtful times, but I kinda feel like because we are so much alike that is why it was easier to just let it all out. And it wouldn't have hurt if we didn't love each other. I'm sorry for Ashley and her deleting you. But some people don't have the balls to face their problems first and try to work it out. Also it can be their state of mind at the time as well, maybe she just doesn't know how to process it all at this point. Either way Jennie you are loved anyway.
My best friend of 12 years decided that it was more important for her to be friends with my ex husband when I left him than to continue our friendship. I'll tell ya, it sucked to think that someone I had done SO much for and been through SO much through could throw away our entire friendship over something so stupid. However, it didnt take long for me to I realize that I am SO much better off without her. She was not a very good friend, but like you I wanted something or someone to be consistent in my life.
Once she was out of my life I can't begin to tell you what a relief it was!! Not constantly walking on egg shells because she was so sensitive, not always having to do what she wanted to because she was so picky etc. Man, once she was gone and I got REAL friends I was like "Why did I bother with that crazy bi*ch for so long??" Sometimes it takes having yourself completely removed from a situation, or group, to really realize how they impact you, for bad or good.
I hope this whole thing works out the way you want it to, whatever way that may be. For what its worth, I dont think that real friends treat each other the way you're being treated. 16 years is far too long a time to just immaturely delete someone from your life, especially without so much as talking to them first. At least in my opinion......
Lady's you are both correct. Thank you for taking the time to share with me your thoughts - it means a great deal to me in hasing things out and deciding how I want to handle this.
I could curl up, be sad (as I am) and cry over this. or I can stand up straight and stop taking bullshit. I'm too old for this crap to be happening and I'm to old to let it bother me the way it does.
I need to grow up, and stop allowing people to trample me for their wants and or desires.
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