Today is a day of reckoning let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong

“I’ve died again/I'm going under/Drowning in you/I'm falling forever/I've got to break through/I'm going under/blurring and stirring the truth and the lies/so I don't know what's real and what's not/always confusing the thoughts in my head/so I can't trust myself anymore” – Evanescence (Going Under)

There used to be a time in my life when these lyrics would sting into me at how obviously they fit me. How much I distrusted myself and my ideas. How little confidence I had in myself and what I could do. There was also a time where I wouldn’t try for anything, I just sat hopelessly waiting.

I think a lot of my friendships suffered from this dark period in my life. With all the lies and deceit that consumed my daily life I couldn’t function as a person. There always has to be a turning point and I thought I hit it a while ago but I was wrong. I didn’t realize how truly wrong I was and it seemed that I wanted to start changing but I couldn’t figure out where I was to start. There were so many things in my life that I was not happy with, it was hard for me to find the breaking point, which said “look, you have to start here.” I was looking for that guiding hand to take me to where I wanted.

When I did hit the rock bottom, I realized what type of life I was living and how childish I truly was. I needed this to happen so that I could rebuild my life and cut ties that weren’t needed. To figure out whom I really was and what I really wanted. I needed that cold night to think and after the anger subsided, it was like I wanted to thank her.

It sound weird coming from my fingers or even my mouth that I would want to thank her because now for the next two years I am faced with my judgment day. Am I truly tough enough to take what has been thrown my way? Will I be able to straighten myself out so that I can live a life I can be happy about? I am now finally able to stop blaming others for the problems in my life and accept the things that have happened. I want to change the past, but I can’t. I can however change my future.

I saw a movie (A Walk to Remember) that once said, “Without suffering there would be no compassion.” I can’t help but think it fits me perfectly.

“Looking back on the things I’ve done, I was trying to be someone, I played my part, kept you in the dark, now let me show you the shape of my heart” I could say that to myself over and over….The reality of it.

It’s Independence Day.