So here’s to a year of becoming a book worm again!

So, when it comes to people and how I interact with them I’m generally the first person to say exactly what I feel. If I don’t like you I will not hesitate to tell you, if I like you, you will know. If I have a problem with you, I will probably stop talking to you…but all in all, I will tell you what the problem is.

I find this completely ironic considering the type of person I am. I take what people think about me to heart, even people I don’t even know. And for what reason do I have to be torn by people who mean very little to me if they are unknown? Perhaps it’s my desire to be liked, which I can pretty much say that psychologically speaking comes from the years of mental abuse I received from family members. This isn’t to say that my family is horrible; it’s to say that I have been condition to think that I am more or less worthless.

Someone asked me why what people who I don’t know who said something about me would matter, and this was the reason I could come up with. Deductive reasoning said this is where it stems. In fact, I would have to say that my general feeling of self worth comes from the fact that I have been conditioned to feel the way I have. In side I like to think that I am better than the standards that have been set for me by others, and this of course is also in direct correlation to the standards I have for myself, perhaps why I am my own worst critic. Again this could also be in correlation to the artist inside of me striving for perfection, setting standards and goals that sometimes are not attainable.

And then I think that if I were to set a goal that was attainable that it would completely set me in a spiral backwards, perhaps I thrive on the negativity I have. That without it I would not know how to exist?

This brings me to something I have been thinking about for quite sometime which is the expected New Years Resolution.

I started thinking about this about 3 weeks before the end of the year. I didn’t want to do a resolution that I wasn’t able to keep. I didn’t want to have a cliché resolution like “I want to lose weight” because it’s only a matter of time before that resolution would fail, like they almost always do.

So I thought hard about what I love to do, and what I don’t love. And I came to the conclusion that my resolution was to be something different. I resolved to read more books and to learn more about things I don’t understand. I Love reading, so reading more would only be a good thing and learning about things I do not understand would help me with what I don't love. I do not like being clueless, I like to be able to carry on conversations about things and actually have knowledge about what I'm talking about.

Simple. Attainable. Perfect.

The connection it has between how I am in desperate need to be liked is because I know some of why I react the way I do, but not entirely, so If I study more and stop and think more about cause an effect within me, perhaps I will gain more knowledge so that in future events I will be able to make smart decisions and less decisions based on my emotions. It also coincides because reading will only help me gain more knowledge no matter what type of reading it is. There is always something to learn. It doesn’t hurt that the type of books/reading I am drawn to generally falls under the psychology category and that I am drawn to human interest type books.

So here’s to a year of becoming a book worm again!