never good with the follow through.

And here’s the part where I think I may be overly deranged or unhinged, heartless bitch even.

I heard that my mother tried to commit suicide and my thoughts were “I take it she wasn’t successful” Followed by “Figures, she never was good with the follow through.”

Normally, I would have some compassion of people who had thoughts or attempts at suicide, even people I don’t know. My heart always goes out to them and I always feel some sort of attachment to these people.

So why is it when a family member someone I’m supposed to be worried about does it and I all the sudden feel these cold icy doors shut and my compassion turn off?

Is it really that possibly to harbor such hate for someone who was supposed to have loved and nurtured you? I mean granted she never really did much of that, people look at me like I’m some kind of heartless person when I say I hate my mother and want nothing to do with her.

I thought it was common for dysfunctional families theses days. You wouldn’t believe how many hold fast to the idea of perfect family lives. Beatings are to be hush-hush, emotional abuse is to be tolerated. And neglect was probably just my need for attention right?

Perhaps I’m not crazy for everything I’ve done, for all these thoughts that would claw me with precision at night. How I felt so detached from my mother, so detached from anyone. It only makes sense that I detach myself from people now. And it only makes sense that I would even think the thoughts I thought of her. She really was never good with the follow through.

Take a look, its in a book, its Reading Rainbow.

Every book is always the same. I rush to fall into the lives of these fictional characters. Detaching myself from the world around me and become part of the book, living and breathing the characters.

I spend so many hours indulged in these books, and yet they always end the same way, with that mixed feeling of happiness and resentment that I read the book so fast and that it will soon be over.

I'm sitting here at work, about 20 pages from the end and I don't want it to end. Like a child begging for just five more minutes. It always amazes me how quickly I go through books. How many pages I can consume in only minutes, my eyes skilled and trained after many years of reading alone in my room as a child.

Maybe I was a bookworm, but what can I say, I'm addicted to the written world, its here that I can find a distraction from my life. And its one of the strongest bonds I hold with people. I like to think of books as "friendship bracelets" between a select few of my friends. It's a common ground, that is not the typical "we share the same favorite color" trend, but rather, we share an intellectual bond. Our own inside joke found in the pages that to some, are such a chore.

I need to make a change

How to say it like it is? Well basically I've been feeling less inclined to look at myself in the mirror. Less inclined to take photos of myself and even more so less inclined to be around people in a public setting.

In fact, Mostly I've just been disgusted with myself period. It started when a friend posted some pictures with me in them from a night on the town and when I looked at myself in these photos I cried.

Yea, I cried because I thought "is that what I really look like?" and just thought about how badly I criticize people for some of the same things that I do. Hypocritical to say the least. It just made me realize why everyone goes for my roommate or my friends...I'm pretty much disgusting.

And I take these photos that make me look oh so cute because its pretty much the only way for me to hold on to my sanity on myself. To actually make me have enough confidence to be me. Everyone always compliments me on my confidence and the way I "carry myself" and really its just this fake mask to hide the fact that I really do Not like the way I look and how much it pisses me off that I've tried diets and exercise without much success at all.

And of course I'm too poor to see a doctor about it, for now anyway.

I just don't want to be 30 years old and unhappy and single...I mean if I'm 30 and single, thats fine, but I can't see my life getting very much better.

It also bothers me that I can't find clothes to fit me that aren't extremely expensive or hideous. I love fashion, I love clothes, I just cannot afford to be fat - I can't afford the prices it cost to buy something cheaply made that will fall apart in one use. It makes me jealous of my friends. Because they can spend as much as I do on one single item and it be designer...

Venzia is not designer. Neither is Just My Size. And what kind of cruel fat joke is that name anyway?

And so it is, just like you said it would be

I laid there in the dark, my mind twisting over the fact that I had to be up in a few hours. The humid air, caused my hair to matte against the nape of my neck and forehead.

Its July. A sort of interesting month for me where two unexpected things have happened to me in retrospective years. Two things that I have spent countless hours, nights, days thinking about. Sometimes even crying... And yet of the two things that have happened to me in this excruciatingly hot month, I regret only one.

I don't regret him. And so, thoughts of him fill my mind. Simple things, what he was doing at that exact moment, or what he looked like the last time I saw him. How he ignores my presence when I see him in public places.

Or how, that fateful evening when he drove to my house and picked me up and we got lost together. Just that entire evening left me so nervous, so uneasy.

I remember sitting in his parents car, as close to the window as possible, fear of touching him, even brushing my arm against his. Eventually settling into the awkwardness and poking at him as we got lost behind mountains in the dark, discussing things I can't remember and driving down curving roads; passing several animals. Particularly one that would make me do the "Coyote face" in which he would tease me about in months to come.

From the first kiss to the last, I can't help but be thankful for all that relationship has taught me about the human mind and is abilities to transcend into a dark place and then lift itself out, scared, but still effective. All that its taught me about the ability to keep ones true self from the world. And how much he still can calm me down, by just being present. It baffles me, how much I got lost in the nothingness in such a short time.

And I remember how things went from indolent to extreme in a matter of weeks. And how the extreme changed everything I ever knew, and I saw a person, I never want to see again. And how, strangely things ended and facades were melted. The truth to a reality...and the word to a song pungent in my mind...

"I guess it wasn't really right, I guess it wasn't meant to be it didn't matter what they said 'Cause we were good in bed I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight for all the wrong reasons..."

And yet, I still miss him.

Things That Do Not Fly Well With ME

I've had the fortunate and unfortunate experience with men. As I talk to quite a few, either in my daily life, or even on myspace and other chat programs (AIM/Yahoo.) and I discovered from this, that there are 5 GUARANTEED ways to make me go "ugh..." I don't think its THAT harsh of requirements.....

1. People who correct me. I do not need you to correct me, I know the errors I make and often correct myself. If I don't It was intentionally done that way, please do not argue with me over that fact. Unless you speak/type perfect and proper English - I don't want to hear it. - Not even a little.

2. Arrogance. If theres anything I hate more is arrogance. Please do not bother me with your offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride. The "Puff Up Puff Up" defense does NOT work well with me.

3. Use of any "recreational" drugs. Sorry, but its an instant turn off if a guy does drugs. By recreational drugs I do not mean alcohol, however, I can mean it if it becomes a factor in which you have to have daily to function. Weed, 'Shrooms, Acid, Meth etc are examples of how to NOT get my attention.

4. People who do not exercise "Hygienic Maintenance." By this I mean, showering regularly (by regularly, I mean daily,) use of deodorant, finding your razor, I know at times it can get lost and for whatever stupid reason you feel it's time to grow that "Shaggy" three haired chin pubes on your face but trust me, I'll find you more attractive if you are well groomed. This does not mean you cannot have facial hair, it just means it has to be taken care of. And for god sake, brush your teeth.

5. Ignorance. Please do not fake intelligence with me. As my friend Meg said, "Intelligence makes me wet." and by this I mean, I will find your knowledge of more than just sports impressive especially if you can hold a conversation with me. Remember, it takes two people to have a conversation, or one person with multiple personalities. I am not that person, therefor I do not want to be the one having to ask all the questions. Bonus points if you take the time to get to know me, that's truly sexy.


I know I may be asking for a lot from the general male population, but I'm pretty sure that there are many guys who find these guidelines easy to follow.

- Jennie