And so it is, just like you said it would be

I laid there in the dark, my mind twisting over the fact that I had to be up in a few hours. The humid air, caused my hair to matte against the nape of my neck and forehead.

Its July. A sort of interesting month for me where two unexpected things have happened to me in retrospective years. Two things that I have spent countless hours, nights, days thinking about. Sometimes even crying... And yet of the two things that have happened to me in this excruciatingly hot month, I regret only one.

I don't regret him. And so, thoughts of him fill my mind. Simple things, what he was doing at that exact moment, or what he looked like the last time I saw him. How he ignores my presence when I see him in public places.

Or how, that fateful evening when he drove to my house and picked me up and we got lost together. Just that entire evening left me so nervous, so uneasy.

I remember sitting in his parents car, as close to the window as possible, fear of touching him, even brushing my arm against his. Eventually settling into the awkwardness and poking at him as we got lost behind mountains in the dark, discussing things I can't remember and driving down curving roads; passing several animals. Particularly one that would make me do the "Coyote face" in which he would tease me about in months to come.

From the first kiss to the last, I can't help but be thankful for all that relationship has taught me about the human mind and is abilities to transcend into a dark place and then lift itself out, scared, but still effective. All that its taught me about the ability to keep ones true self from the world. And how much he still can calm me down, by just being present. It baffles me, how much I got lost in the nothingness in such a short time.

And I remember how things went from indolent to extreme in a matter of weeks. And how the extreme changed everything I ever knew, and I saw a person, I never want to see again. And how, strangely things ended and facades were melted. The truth to a reality...and the word to a song pungent in my mind...

"I guess it wasn't really right, I guess it wasn't meant to be it didn't matter what they said 'Cause we were good in bed I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight for all the wrong reasons..."

And yet, I still miss him.