I need to make a change

How to say it like it is? Well basically I've been feeling less inclined to look at myself in the mirror. Less inclined to take photos of myself and even more so less inclined to be around people in a public setting.

In fact, Mostly I've just been disgusted with myself period. It started when a friend posted some pictures with me in them from a night on the town and when I looked at myself in these photos I cried.

Yea, I cried because I thought "is that what I really look like?" and just thought about how badly I criticize people for some of the same things that I do. Hypocritical to say the least. It just made me realize why everyone goes for my roommate or my friends...I'm pretty much disgusting.

And I take these photos that make me look oh so cute because its pretty much the only way for me to hold on to my sanity on myself. To actually make me have enough confidence to be me. Everyone always compliments me on my confidence and the way I "carry myself" and really its just this fake mask to hide the fact that I really do Not like the way I look and how much it pisses me off that I've tried diets and exercise without much success at all.

And of course I'm too poor to see a doctor about it, for now anyway.

I just don't want to be 30 years old and unhappy and single...I mean if I'm 30 and single, thats fine, but I can't see my life getting very much better.

It also bothers me that I can't find clothes to fit me that aren't extremely expensive or hideous. I love fashion, I love clothes, I just cannot afford to be fat - I can't afford the prices it cost to buy something cheaply made that will fall apart in one use. It makes me jealous of my friends. Because they can spend as much as I do on one single item and it be designer...

Venzia is not designer. Neither is Just My Size. And what kind of cruel fat joke is that name anyway?