never good with the follow through.

And here’s the part where I think I may be overly deranged or unhinged, heartless bitch even.

I heard that my mother tried to commit suicide and my thoughts were “I take it she wasn’t successful” Followed by “Figures, she never was good with the follow through.”

Normally, I would have some compassion of people who had thoughts or attempts at suicide, even people I don’t know. My heart always goes out to them and I always feel some sort of attachment to these people.

So why is it when a family member someone I’m supposed to be worried about does it and I all the sudden feel these cold icy doors shut and my compassion turn off?

Is it really that possibly to harbor such hate for someone who was supposed to have loved and nurtured you? I mean granted she never really did much of that, people look at me like I’m some kind of heartless person when I say I hate my mother and want nothing to do with her.

I thought it was common for dysfunctional families theses days. You wouldn’t believe how many hold fast to the idea of perfect family lives. Beatings are to be hush-hush, emotional abuse is to be tolerated. And neglect was probably just my need for attention right?

Perhaps I’m not crazy for everything I’ve done, for all these thoughts that would claw me with precision at night. How I felt so detached from my mother, so detached from anyone. It only makes sense that I detach myself from people now. And it only makes sense that I would even think the thoughts I thought of her. She really was never good with the follow through.