Before the worst, before we met... Before too late

I would never say that making friends came easy to me. It was always something that I was insecure about. I have a pretty amazing talent for rejecting myself before others can reject me. The sting from the rejection hurts less to me if I don’t allow it to begin with. It’s also a big reason why I probably never had any real healthy relationships with people in my early teen years. I never allowed people to close to me for fear that one day they would abandon me. I have major abandonment issues and I know its all because I have “mommy issues.”

When I was roughly 16-years-old and itching to get my drivers licenses I remember making a phone call to get a hold of my mom to schedule a time when she could take me to get my permit. Instead of living with my mother, who was staying at peoples houses and couch hopping, I was living with my older brother and his wife. Things with my mom where never good so when I was 15-years-old I had decided that enough was enough. I begged my grandmother to let me live with her and living with her eventually lead to me moving in with my older brother.

It was rough for me to adapt to living under his rules and having to actually listen to my older brother but during this time I also found a friend in my sister-in-law. The thing about her was when she talked to me, she talked to me like I had some idea of what to do. She talked to me and allowed me to talk as if I were an adult. She treated me respectfully and It was something different for me. It was something I needed.

So it was finally time for me to get my permit and I was thrilled. When I called the people that my mother was staying with, They informed me that she had moved, she had gone to Las Vegas. None of my siblings or I were aware of this until this moment. My mother had up and left without telling any of her children, 2 of which where still technically under her care as legal guardian.

This was the first incident where my mother literally left us for a different state. Prior to this incident she was constantly leaving us at our house under someone’s half-assed care and going out. For the first couple years of my life my Brother Daniel was in charge and he was only seven. Looking back on this I can’t help but feel so incredibly sorry for my brother. He lost quite a bit of a childhood by having to raise or help raise his younger siblings. So I struggle with being left behind.

The problem with this is that because I don’t want to be left I also have a hard time with letting go with the people I bring in to my life. Namely friends. I allow a lot of things to happen before I sever ties with an individual. When I make a friend, its generally for life. I’m pretty good at keeping in contact with people when they’ve moved or I have, but I can only do so much.

Lately, I’ve found myself less inclined to deal with peoples shit, to put it bluntly. I’m finding that I’m less interested in what others want and more interested in what I want. In situations where I would normally become emotional and angry, I find myself calmer. The anger still hits me, but I don’t react as I used to.

Little by little I’m letting people go.