I wanna push you around, well I will, I will

I wonder if I will ever get passed having to hurt those who hurt me and I wonder why I feel the need to do it. I know there are root causes to certain behaviors that I have, but I can’t seem to understand the need to hurt. It’s this bitterness in me that makes me rethink how good of a person I truly am. It’s this constant struggle of Jekyll and Hyde within me, as cliché as that sounds.

Dreaming with a broken heart

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. You roll outta bed and down on your knees, And for the moment you can hardly breathe..."

I don’t want to feel emotions about this break up anymore. It was different when I was in Arizona… It was easier to ignore and think… He’ll be there when I get home. This is not real, just another fight. I tried to justify it to my logical side. “We’re both two different people on two different paths.”

When I got home, I immediately slumped into a depression, a deep one. I tried to justify the reasons it was good that we broke up. But I couldn’t justify them completely to avoid the depression. To avoid the pain I felt. I couldn’t find it inside of me to hate him, but instead wanted him back. I saw him doing everything I wanted him to do while we were together. We talked, he seemed finally like he had a grip of things and I argued that there were many factors against us, why shouldn’t we have another chance, a good chance where we can actually date and not be attached at each others' hips instantly.

But he wasn’t sure. And eventually it just all exploded and I was left in carnage of my own stupidity. But anger had swelled and I was able to get past the sad. And then I got to the part where I feel numb, or as numb as I can be while realizing that I can’t just lie in bed and sleep all day. The show must go on.

So now my emotions are manifesting themselves in my dreams. I spend the entire day free from though only to be confronted in my dreams. It’s exhausting to wake up in tears or as if I have been crying for hours. My body aches. My heart aches. I’m tired of waking up this way. I’m pissed off that I normally don’t remember dreams and if I do they are violent. And now, I’m dreaming and I’m sad. I am so sad that I cry in my sleep. I’m so sad that I’m waking up with swollen eye sockets and a headache. I’m tired of it. I don’t really know how to process any of these emotions and I feel like if I still love him, I must be crazy or ridiculous. So I try to pretend I don’t.

But in the end, I still do.

I know with time, it will be better; in the meantime I am having trouble confronting my emotions and even sorting through them. I feel like I should be angry and hate him, but I can’t. Even lame attempts at talking poorly about him don’t seem to help.

Why do I have to go through this?

But believe me, I'm not helpless

"I feel like a loser, I feel like I'm lost. I feel like I'm not sure if I feel anything at all. But believe me, I'm not helpless, I just need someone to love. So my situation's rough. That just makes me a dumb human, like you"

I had a rough day yesterday. And by rough I mean after I finished reading most of a depressingly sad but inspiring book, I slept.

I slept for 12 hours. The day before, I slept for 12 hours. And the day before that, I slept for 12 hours. All day time hours.

I recognize that I am lonely, and I recognize what's going on, but I can't seem to make myself move. I can't seem to make myself go out and enjoy the life going on about me. I just hide myself in the basement, clicking endless links for hours, reading depressing books and sleeping.

I keep thinking that eventually I'll be done feeling this way and ready to come out of the dark. And I'm rather conflicted in my feelings as I feel like I'm a worth while person, but I can't even get myself to eat properly and get out.

A temporary escape. It's not permanent and I know it will eventually pass, but in the mean time, I'd just like to sleep.

She comes and goes like no one cares

My insecurities come out the most when I fail at something. I start struggling with everything I’ve done wrong in my life. I start looking at myself without confidence. I start hurting and I beg for attention but also push it away.

Leaving Arizona is the end of many things. I’m going home to a boyfriend-less living space. I’m going home to a cold and quite bed.

I’m going home to start a new chapter in my life. And I feel like at this point in my life there are already so many “new chapters” in my book. There are so many mess-ups and so many learning experiences.

I know everyone “matures” in their own time, and no ones book is written the same, but I’m growing impatient waiting for maturity to hit. I’m growing impatient with restarting constantly. My batteries run only for a short time before I need to recharge, re focus and reorganize again. I’m growing impatient with my own wild heart and myself.