"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. You roll outta bed and down on your knees, And for the moment you can hardly breathe..."
I don’t want to feel emotions about this break up anymore. It was different when I was in Arizona… It was easier to ignore and think… He’ll be there when I get home. This is not real, just another fight. I tried to justify it to my logical side. “We’re both two different people on two different paths.”
When I got home, I immediately slumped into a depression, a deep one. I tried to justify the reasons it was good that we broke up. But I couldn’t justify them completely to avoid the depression. To avoid the pain I felt. I couldn’t find it inside of me to hate him, but instead wanted him back. I saw him doing everything I wanted him to do while we were together. We talked, he seemed finally like he had a grip of things and I argued that there were many factors against us, why shouldn’t we have another chance, a good chance where we can actually date and not be attached at each others' hips instantly.
But he wasn’t sure. And eventually it just all exploded and I was left in carnage of my own stupidity. But anger had swelled and I was able to get past the sad. And then I got to the part where I feel numb, or as numb as I can be while realizing that I can’t just lie in bed and sleep all day. The show must go on.
So now my emotions are manifesting themselves in my dreams. I spend the entire day free from though only to be confronted in my dreams. It’s exhausting to wake up in tears or as if I have been crying for hours. My body aches. My heart aches. I’m tired of waking up this way. I’m pissed off that I normally don’t remember dreams and if I do they are violent. And now, I’m dreaming and I’m sad. I am so sad that I cry in my sleep. I’m so sad that I’m waking up with swollen eye sockets and a headache. I’m tired of it. I don’t really know how to process any of these emotions and I feel like if I still love him, I must be crazy or ridiculous. So I try to pretend I don’t.
But in the end, I still do.
I know with time, it will be better; in the meantime I am having trouble confronting my emotions and even sorting through them. I feel like I should be angry and hate him, but I can’t. Even lame attempts at talking poorly about him don’t seem to help.
Why do I have to go through this?
3 comments:
You ARE processing this, especially in your dreams. They are powerful...think about what they are teaching you. Write them down when you wake up and look at the words and ideas they contain. I am sorry you are going through this loss and sadness, but please be kind to yourself and just hang on. It won't always be like this. It will get better but you cannot force it. Love you--
You have to do this because some people are too fucking stupid to see what is right in front of them... that everything they could possibly want or need or feel is RIGHT FUCKING THERE. And it has been. But you are the better person because you didn't want to give up. You are stronger than him. You are better than him. But the pain won't go away so easily.Just keep trying and never give up on yourself. I'm trying to do that, too. It's HARD. But you have friends to talk to. Every little bit helps.
I've been there girl. Stay strong! The only way out is through <3 It will get better in time. Promise.
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