Of recent events and other psychobabble nonsense.

I like how my thought process pans out and how I discover new words to broaden my vocabulary.

When I think of certain things, if I cannot find the word that I want to describe something I think of something similar to it and the thesaurus becomes my best friend. I am a sucker for finding synonyms’, a word I can barely say without some sort of speech tripping.

For example, I was having a discussion with my friend about how Saddam was hung and just my thoughts that hangings were so, old fashion, but I didn’t want to use those words precisely to describe what I thought of it. So I looked up ancient in the dictionary, then checked its synonyms, I found the precise word to describe what I thought about hangings. Archaic. This is a word that means of or relating to, or characteristic of a much earlier, often more primitive period. It was a perfect fit to describe my feelings towards hanging which I also included such ancient punishments as being plunge to death by a rock which is referred to as stoning.

I guess that I felt that hanging were a rather primitive form of death, not that I agree with the death penalty anyway (which is a far more in depth feelings of why or why not.) But I figure if someone’s going to be put to death it should be done by something that would be modern and up to date. Not to say that I want him shot to death by an oozy, but rather lethal injection might have been a less ‘archaic’ form of the death penalty carried out.

I’m a bleeding heart liberal so I suppose my compassion for humanity comes out here, I am all for justice, but I tend to lean towards a more empathetic side than rule by an iron fist.

I guess my thoughts on the matter are; what’s next 5 days in the stocks? Are we going to bring back dungeons? Or should we have just nailed him to a cross? Or are crosses reserved for those who will be considered our savior later on?

How to Rock Jennie’s World 101

So I went to a concert Tuesday night with my friend Laura to see a band I absolutely adore. It’s a Tucson/Boston local acoustic duo named Ryanhood with Ryan Green and Cameron Hood and I seriously love them. Think Beatlesmania… but less Beatles.

So before the show we’re waiting in line for tickets to what was supposed to be a sold out show but were told that there would be two separate shows if you didn’t get into the first show. As we’re standing there Cameron comes out and talks to a couple people in front of us, and then goes back inside, then he comes back out talks to some other people, at this point sees me smiles and waves then continues to talk to some people behind us, then, he walks by me, stops turns and says “Is your name Jennie?” at which point I pretty much died.

I think it’s silly that I have such a crush on this band that I actually got the butterflies. Its not like very many people that I know of have heard the band, but I just think they are amazing. So Cameron tells me thank you for being a fan and such and then I start babbling inconsistently and I look like a total dork. That’s okay, but my night gets better.

Tickets are sold out for the first show. Damn. So Laura and I go out for dinner and then come back for the second show. Finally we get in around 9:30 and the show starts roughly at 10:15ish, “opening act” kind of wasn’t something that imprinted my mind much; however the guest keyboard player was pretty good, that stuck out in my head.

We’re standing next to the backstage area of the stage and I see Cameron behind the curtains so I gesture for him to come over and he does and I ask him to play Born to Run To You because its absolutely one of my favorite songs. I love the lyrics (the writer in me is drawn to such things.) And he says, “Yea, we’re gonna play that because we didn’t at the first show.” So maybe it was good that we missed the first show?.

Finally Ryanhood came on and they play all the songs I love: old ones, new ones, a Beatles song and then as we’re coming to the end of the concert, born to run to you still hasn’t been played and I’m starting to lose hope in them actually playing it when all the sudden Cameron launches into a story about recording the song for the new album and how difficult it was. Then as I’m fiddling with my camera I hear “This is for Jennie.”

And then I died. I cannot even begin to describe these overwhelmed feelings of happiness… one might say I was extremely giddy and child like. It was like the backstreet boys craze all over again.

See people? It does pay to “observe from a safe distance”(read: Stalk) on myspace….

I might come off harsh?

So after a fantastic night (More on that later) I came home to a message in my myspace inbox from my sisters friend Kristin (who she has known since the 4th grade.) Normally, I would think nothing of it, however, this particular message was rather degrading towards me.. So I've decided to copy and paste the note I recieved, and then my response to it...


It would be nice to see a picture of you where your not posing for yourself and trying to look seductive. Just one....and the "heaven" blog...its a nice idea, but remeber that life is what you "make of it" too....and it's disheartening and unnerving to see JUST how you've responded to your current court situation and the outcome of that. Life is hard. You did something very wrong,...and it seemed that you resented that you got caught and had to face consequences....then on top of that, your not even grateful for having gotten off so easy. Your ONLY being ordered to attend...basically, a place where you can only become a better person if you'll open up your mind and get honest just a tiny bit. Self improvement rocks! Learning about yourself and how to be a better you....whats so bad about that? You CAN take something from EVERY session...just one thing....that can speak to you or change your life....but you've been unwilling from the get go. Its very, very sad. You have MANY issues that you need to work on before you are a healthy, stable person. Anyone reading your myspace could see that. These are only my opinions and I ONLY say something because I care. If I didn't, I wouldnt waste my time. Just about every time I read your blog or see a new picture, I wanna ring your pretty neck. There is so much more to you.....and you can be so fake and so frustrating sometimes. Just try a little honesty,openmindedness and willingness.....it'll get you a long way! Sorry if this seemes harsh ....call it tough love! Loves -Kristen

My Response:

To be honest with you, I'm not sure how to respond without saying fuck you, because I don't want to come off THAT rude...But I will let you know that What I do on my myspace is my business.

You know nothing of my health or the "situation" I am in... In fact, your opinion on my current situation means exactly dick to me, because I'm not sure you even know the situation.

Actually, I know you only know half the situation. You know the situation in which you were told/relayed to by my sister, who doesnt even know. Its all bias and one sided. I may have gotten off "easy" on the crime that was or wasn't committed, but as far as you know, I'm innocent.. unless of course you pre-judged me, in which case I might suggest you get help and go at it open mindedly to better improve yourself.

What I am doing may have been seen as "easy," but I can assure you it has NOT been easy. And thats pretty much all you need to know. Furthermore, if you actually took the time to READ you would actually see that I did say I learned something from the sessions at the "Circle Jerk."

In fact, I'm not sure where you are gathering your information that I am not taking this situation as a learn from it experience... Because I have not said one word about not trying to improve myself... and I would also like to add that I am also the one who exersised my ability to admit fault and apologize for any wrong doing, of course, you would that, if you had actually taken the time to ask me, instead you just pass judgement and went off on me as if you really knew "the big picture."

Furthermore, I pose for myself because to me, I am beautiful and my vanity is my vanity. I do not press it upon you. I do not make you look at the photos, you do that on your own. If you dont like it, don't look. Simple as that.

I take what I want because I like them. I know for a fact that I would not post a photo I did not like. So if a photo I take seems "seductive" or as if I am posing for myself, Thats because I am. Those are the pictures I like to take. I enjoy being/looking seductive. I enjoy posing for pictures, because in reality, thats all anyone ever does...

My heaven blog was more a thoughts after reading a book... It was not something set in stone, it was merely a analyzation of what I got out of the book and how I was connecting it to my thoughts...I am well aware that life is what I make it, but thank you for again reminding me, I appreciate that you took the time to assure me of such information.

Whats disheartening and unnerving is how you have responded to what has been relayed to you, making me seem like I am the only person who has ever screwed up. I admit, I have screwed up. I take full responsibility for my actions. But as I have said, you know nothing of what I am doing to "fix" my mistake, or the stuff I have to (or will have to) go through because I "got off easy"

So until you are truely able to see what is really there. I mean clearly see the whole picture (as you have suggested to me) I'd like you to keep your tough love to yourself, because if you knew anything of me, anything at all, you'd know that I can damn well give myself my own tough love without your overly opinionated, one-sided imput.

Thank you.

I'll see to it that your request for one "decent/unposed/un-seductive" picture is posted....

-----

I may have come off as a jack ass, but this girl knows exactly dick as I had explained. Her actions were unwarrented and quite frankly pissed me off... As if you couldn't tell.

Wow this did not turn out how I wanted it to....

Is it just me or is anyone else glad Christmas is over?

I had a good Christmas, it was decent…I was trying to think of my favorite present this year, and I thought of the list I got…

Lotions (bath and body)
Gift Card to Bath and Body Works (Pearberry here I come…)
Soft Socks in Pink
A Pink bear inside of a pink gift box (wicked cute and soft…)
Mp3 player (That I may have already broken, like a reject…)
Cook book (as if I cook…..)
Scarves (2 of them, one with matching hat and glove set…..which, I look like a smurf in argyle)
Silver heart Earrings (way cute)
Pearl necklace and earrings
Jack Johnson CD
Brothers Grimm DVD

So there’s my list. I’ve been over a few times and I guess I’d have to say my favorite gift was the Pearl necklace and earrings….

For the sentimental person in me when I opened them my first thought was “great I got the same thing as Cassie” (my sister) and then later I was explaining what I got to my friend Laura and it was like the moment I said pearls the thought came to me.

I’m going to put the necklace and the earrings away and save them for the day I get married since this Christmas marks a significant year in my life.

A lot of stuff has happened to me in this past year, most I would have never expected and some that I would have. Someone once told me 20 was the year you change the most, but I’d say, 22 was my year for change.

I feel so different now…

My realization for the year… I am touchable….Because I thought I was untouchable… that no one could break me…. And Now, I realize that I am broken…. Very very broken.

I am so broken that I actually had a breakdown on Christmas Eve. After many amounts of badgering from my family about my looks, from my hair to my weight to my arms to my piercings, I just broke down and cried.

My aunt was telling me how she knew how I felt, with the whole having a hard time finding clothes that look good and fit me right, which I responded with.. No you have no fucking idea what its like to be 22-years-old and having to dress like your 50 year old aunt because there isn’t anything stylish in your size.

She doesn’t have any idea how I have actually TRIED to lose weight but haven’t. So she suggests that I see a doctor about it, but then she wouldn’t know what its like to not have insurance, and when you don’t have insurance, your looking at paying until your dead in doctors fees. God help me not get the plague.

So maybe this is a poor-me rant, but I feel like I’m at a point in my life where no matter what I do, the pieces of me will never be put back together. I think that’s what some people call hopeless. I am completely hopeless.

So here’s to finding the super glue in 2007.

Rose By any other name could be a Weed….

So I'm doing an in-depth survey based on Employees at intuit.. (We have a company directory with pictures)

The hypothesis is: People can be attractive based on their names alone. Meaning, you can judge a persons attractiveness by the name they are given. This is not by any means a serious poll, however, I do have supporting facts below are just a few names I chose to survey….

My theory is that this survey could help people in the future when choosing baby names. If they would like their kids to be attractive, they will go with a more attractive name, and if they’re freaking retards, their kid's name will be Eugene or Frank.

FYI: Anything above 65% might be considered a good chance.

Matt: There were 13 people with the name Matt, Of the 13, only 4 were complete trolls. That means 70% of people with the name Matt are attractive. Thus I conclude that most Matt's are attractive.

Jennifer: There are 70 Jennifer’s' of that, 7 were not pictured and 17 were hideous.. However, that still means that based on the ratio of 63 Jennifers with 17 being trolls, 73% are still attractive. Meaning that most Jennifers’ are attractive.

David: There were 145 David's, and the first 20, 15 of them were unattractive; I cut that survey short and concluded that most David’s are hideous.

Jessica: Jessica's were at 22, with 2 not pictured, 6 of them scared me. Which means at 70% most Jessica’s could be considered attractive as well.

Andrews: refer to the David problem.

Derrick: Of the 5 Derricks employed by intuit, 1 of them was attractive. Thus I conclude that most derricks are complete trolls. Do not waste your time.

Mike: First of all, good amount of them need to take a step out of the 80’s with their hair… there were 46 Mikes, 5 of them not pictured, 20 of them were scary beyond all reason… and apparently intuit hires lumberjacks. So that means 51% of them were attractive… Ouch... Things are NOT looking good for the mikes out there.. And the Michaels…. I’m not even going to dive into that one.

Chris (Male): Of the 70 there were 11 not pictured (thus I can conclude that uh, Chris have the most not pictured issues.) and 15 of them were outrageously ugly. But that still left them at 74% of them being attractive… I conclude that most people with the name Chris are attractive (Males)

Elena: There were four of them.. This one was easy. 2 were attractive and 2 were no goes. 50% of Elena’s are attractive. So really it’s kind of like sticking your hand in a bowl of Piranhas and hoping that you don't get bit.

Laura: Let me take a moment here... there were 31 Laura’s. 5 of them not pictured. 9 of them were repugnant… and that left them at 65% of Laura’s being attractive, however, if we’re going on school standards, 65 is NOT passing, it’s a D… So we’ll leave it as that….Laura’s are D’s… and not in the bra size either… But hey High school says they’re “passing” So you can have a high school passing grade here.

Ashley: Well first of all… there were 3… and one was a freaking GUY! Ashley Fernandez! He wasn’t attractive at all, he sort of looked handicapped. So now we’re down to 2 Ashley’s and one of them was freaking not pictured. So I have declared that people with the name Ashley are attractive.

Grace: Hail Mary full of Grace…… or not… There were 7 Graces, and 2 of them were awkward looking. But that still leaves them at 71% of grace’s are attractive. So Good job, maybe Mary was full of grace, but I hear it was Joseph, virgin my ass…

Justin: Things were looking so good for the Justin’s of the world, however, they only came in at 58% and as we learned, that isn’t a passing grade…. I guess we’ll take this name as we did Elena...

Stay tuned… this study may be continued.

You've got Mail!

Its stuff like this that make my day much more entertaining and enjoyable, because Dang, my job would be boring without her.

E-mail Conversation as follows:

Jess: I’m so cooooollllldddddd make it stop. And I have Yeti legs that I thought that sheer hose would hide for some reason. Stupid. I’m waiting for someone to ask me how I found the fur-lined tights and do they keep my legs warm?

Jennie: :squeaklaugh: Oh my god,, where do you come up with this stuff?

Jess: In the f**ked up world that is in my head.

Jennie: Tell me more about this world…: sits, legs crossed, gets a notepad, puts on glasses and folds hands in lap strategically still holding a pen in folded hands:

Jess: Well, in my world, I am the queen. I have a co-ruler named JennieTheKoala, and we rule our land with an iron fist. We have boys as slaves and libraries everywhere. Also, in my world you can eat whatever you want whenever you want. There is no salad in my world. In fact, it’s outlawed… We don’t believe in the death penalty except in certain instances, like bending the spine of a book or defacing a cover…. Oh yes, and in my world, disrespectful boys are made to work in the salt mines until they shape up and show us the proper groveling technique

Anyway… Song List lately has included more that 1 song that I want to hear repeatedly…The songs are as follows… They (the songs) are good. Those are my song recommendations for the week.

Far Away - Nickelback
My Little Girl – Tim McGraw
Before He Cheats – Carrie Underwood
Hate Me – Blue October
If everyone cared – Nickelback
Lips of An Angel – Hinder
Wake up – Coheed and Cambria
Savin’ Me - Nickelback

Yes, it is true... I have nothing exceptionally cool to write about.

Big City Dreams: Audience Participation Please :)

So Jess and I were talking (John and I do this a lot) about places we would like to live and she asked me if I would ever live in California, so I made a list of places I considered acceptable places to live. Then she asked me why, so I jotted down my reasons and here we go…

NYC - Because I want to photograph it. I want to live the NY state of mind (if I don’t already) I want to be the fashion ad... etc. Dreams/hopes/wants/ Beautiful Architecture, A lot of history nearby.... its NYC...

Chicago - LOVE the City. Love the buildings. I know the area. I have family here. I looked like a Garfield car cling when we drove through it the first time *splat*

Los Angeles - I love the beaches along the coast here. I like Hollywood. I know my way around. I like the weather, and what’s around it.

London – It’s not America. I love British Culture. Fashion. Music. Historical reasons…again.

Somewhere in Italy – Preferably a small country area (think Under the Tuscan Sun) Because I want to be somewhere I can be free, to write, think, live, breathe. The city girl in me also is a lil bit country…

San Francisco - “The City”.. I “know” a photographer in the area; I want to be able to take the pictures he takes. It’s beautiful up there.

Seattle – The only response I can give for this choice is a song lyric by garbage…. “I’m only happy when it rains.....”

Boston - It’s not far from NYC, Also in a historic area. Coastal. Canadia is not to far and it’s not far to visit other states.

New Jersey - Close to NYC, Coastal, Good music scene, not far from Philadelphia and D.C. (Historical reasons again)

Phoenix – Oddly enough, I would live here. It’s close to family but still in a city-like atmosphere. Its 2 hours to the “country” and like 6 hours to a beach. The weather sucks, But Hey, That’s what air conditioning is for right? And I have to admit, I have a small soft spot for Arizona…. Even if it is Dante’s Inferno.

As you can tell, I live a very expensive life in my head. I dream big city dreams…

So I guess, I’ll make this an open forum Blog Posting…

What are your top 5 Cities (if you could live ANYWHERE) where would you live… Give me the Cities and why. I don’t want countries. I want specific places and reasons if you will.

All the tension, wait for the call..

Is it wrong for me to be upset that my “best Friend” goes to her boyfriend before she goes to me about stuff? Especially when I have known her longer?

I ask this because, a friend of mine is dealing with a trauma in her life, one that I can relate with quite well, the passing on of a grandfather, not only can I relate as I lost my own grandfather who I was very close to, but I was also quite close to said friend’s family.

I guess I just find it almost insulting when I get messages from the boyfriend telling me to call her, but not tell her he told me that she needed me. My theory is, you have to tell me if you need me, I can’t read minds. And I have not once turned her down when she said “I need you” for any reason. That’s the type of friend I am, I almost always bend over backwards for a friend.

I want her to know she isn’t alone, and I have brought the thought/idea up to her about her coming to me instead of the boyfriend, or before the boyfriend, she just kind of shrugged it off. It hurt me.

“All the clouds oh they're gray I'll stay if you go away Concrete, tall as the sky movement, passing me by and the blush what a rush reminisce cold crush, next door, ear to the wall, all the tension, wait for the call..” - Behind Blue Eyes (cover) - Limp Bizket

...All by myself I need to get around this...

So I got word Sunday night that I needed to be out by the 1st of January…. A lot of time that left me. I know I don’t have the money for the move in fees and first months rent on a place. So I hit panic mode. This for me is a little different from what it used to be… So instead of throwing myself on the bed/floor and sobbing uncontrollably and thinking worse case scenario, I now sob uncontrollably while trying to find a solution.

So that’s better Yeah?

I found a solution, well I have a friend who was gracious enough to allow me to move into his place this weekend so I can just get out of the place as soon as possible and then be rid of Jamie and her issues. Thank God. It is going to be a bit more than I pay now and my only new concern is how I’m going to pay it. I have the money; I just won’t have much for Christmas presents. Granted I have like 2 more I have to pay for, if I give the full 450 out of my next check I will only have 410.00 leftover and that has to pay for gas/food/cell phone and Christmas….. This is how it will break down.

- Payout -
Rent: 450.00
Gas for car: 100.00 for two weeks
Food for two weeks (for just me usually): 80-100.00 (max, usually only 50 for two weeks, I just put aside 80-100.00)
Cell phone: 80.00
Court Ordered Program: 100.00

Totals: 830.00

Paycheck – 860.00

That leaves me with 30.00 for Christmas… NOT good. So uh, that’s some stress on my mind. I don’t know what to do about it at this point. My Next paycheck after Dec 22nd will be January 5th. So we shall see how everything pans out. Wish me luck that I don’t sink.

I miss some people…. A little more than I should, two people in particular.

And I’m finding myself falling for someone…Crap.

In my heaven...

“Inside the snow globe on my father’s desk, there was a penguin wearing a red and-white-striped scarf. When I was little my father would pull me into his lap and reach for the snow globe. He would turn it over, letting all the snow collect at on the top, then quickly invert it. The two of us watched the snow fall gently around the penguin. The penguin was alone in there, I thought, and I worried for him. When I told my father this, he said “Don’t worry Susie; he has a nice life. He’s trapped in a perfect world.’”

I just started re-reading The Lovely Bones; I like how the author Alice Seabold perceives heaven.

It’s an interesting idea. She describes heaven as when you die you go to place and in that place is what you make of it. And in these heavens you share a place with someone who might have similar interest as you do. Like Susie, meets a girl who likes dogs, so in both of their heavens, they have dogs.

Also, in the book there’s a line about a teacher's daughter who died of leukemia.

“His daughter died a year and a half after I did. She had leukemia, but I never saw her in my heaven.”

It made me think that if there is a heaven, is it much like described here, where things you love appear. And if so in my heaven would there be a massive ocean and an amazing camera. Would there be things for me to photograph? But then no one would see and it would seem that endless amounts of creativity would finally be at my finger tips in my heaven, and no one would see them.

And would I see people who I had loved or known in my heaven? Would it be just like that? Would it be like they say where you join loved ones in heaven, because in the book it took a few years before Susie was reunited with anyone in her heaven? Well except her dog, he came as soon as he died.

So, in Susie heaven it had other girls that were murdered in it. Would that mean that girls who had the same death trait as me that we would share a heaven and had I been murdered would I want to have a heaven like that?

I love the speculation of this idea, and the images that the author created with in the book. Not to mention how much the book draws me to it. I enjoy it a lot, hence reading it for a third time since it came out.

In my heaven, there will be massive amounts of books… I know this much is true.

"All you have to do is desire it, and if you desire it enough and understand why -- really know -- it will come."

........wtf

I am having the WORST day for emotions... worst.

That is all.

Label Whores: This Bud is for Me... Not you...

With my last rant about my size behind me, I would like to inform everyone I found a fantastic dress that makes me feel pretty. So this is all well and good.

Which got me on the topic of fashion, and how I look back on pictures of me from when I was younger and you would have never pegged me for the fashionista I am now…In fact, you might even be discouraged and think, my god, don’t let that women dress anyone.

But for the past year and a half I have had friends tell me they love certain things about my make up and or style, and that they wish they had it. And I kept thinking, you mean “lack of style?” Because it doesn’t take much to have a lack of style…

But I guess I consider myself rather fashionable, I mean after all I am the friend that people call to take with them because they can say "I like this skirt/pant find me something to go with it" and with a matter of seconds I have them going "wow I look amazing.”

A talent I think? But I’m also good at being CHEAP and fashionable. Meaning I can accessorize too. I can make pretty much anyone look good, except myself. Why is that?

Probably just suffer from being my own worst critic.

In any event, it also brought to my attention the fact that there are some people who are label whores and not even in a good way. Just because you have a purse from Dior, doesn’t make you “cute” in fact, it just meant you spent 500.00 on something that’s going to get beat up, have make up spilled in it, and start reeking that “purse” smell, and you’re wearing clothes from target…

What? Why?

If you are going to be a true label whore I expect you to be wearing clothes that fit your hips, contrary to popular belief, mushroom top is not in (aka, your flab hanging out the sides of your pants because they’re ill fitting.) Instead, I expect to see you wearing Guess® jeans and coordinating Guess® shirt, Perhaps some Chanel® sunglasses and then maybe you can carry your Dooney and Burke® purse around and be a true label whore.

But even still, I will want you to die because contributing to companies like that is fucking stupid, when you could have saved your money and bought something cheaper that looks the exact same. But you’ve done it all for the sake of “being cute.” And you even failed miserably… very few can pull this off… very few.

Just because you are blind and unable to see my beauty, doesn’t mean it does not exist.

I exploded on my friend john about my feeling about my size, which is really something I don’t do. I never complain to guy friends about how fat I am and how it really disturbs me and makes me so upset almost to the point of tears.

But with the holiday season coming and the need for somewhat formal attire for the company party, I couldn’t help but break down. I’ve been so stressed and depressed about it and when I went to get what I thought would be the perfect look, I was only let down. So I bought a substitute outfit, and it’s not really making me feel any better.

So I exploded on him about how I feel so freaking frustrated with myself because I look the way I do. And its really not looks, it’s just that I cannot find ANYTHING that cute for someone my size. If I shop in the plus sized boutiques, they have grandma-esque clothing and I don’t want to wear leopard print with some sort of floral combination. It’s not very pretty. I just would like to find a dress that looks good on me, or decent. I get that I’m fat and I’m not going to look like Avril Lavigne in a dress, but damn it clothing company’s give me something to effing work with.

Or is that my punishment for being fat? That I cannot be stylish? That the clothing provided for me will just be total shit. Is that supposed to be the drive to make me lose weight? Because it’s not really working, it just makes me want to kill someone in the fashion industry that decided safari print was a good thing for bigger girls.

Well, Thank God For Tests and Alcohol eh?

So hey, I was all worried that I might be pregnant. But I'm not. Thats awesome. I really didnt think it was possible since like, the conditions of the "sex" I did have would lead me to think I could not be. But I was awefully sick for a week straight, very mimicing to "morning sickness."

So I tested...twice. And the results were negative. So it must all be from stress.

Speaking of Stress, its been causing the "normal headaches" all to often. I used to have a headache daily. But, I've been trying to steer clear of medications, I used to be so dependant on Ibprofren or Tylenol. I rarely went a day without taking at least 10-15 pills (which is NOT good.) I just couldn't stand the pain, so I tried to numb myself from it.

But the headaches are back and the "smart" person inside of me has decided the best cure is to drink some alcohol until you pass out... Yay for cheap wine.... Well, that and I might like the taste...Hopefully this does the trick. I'm also trying the caffine approach in hopes that when I wake up, the headache will be *poof* all gone.

I have a photoshoot tomorrow. Mostly just taking some christmas photos for a couple friends and their babies.

I hate leaving the house because it makes me think of all the money I dont have. And leaving the house cost money...in gas... And thus keeps me stressed.

Hopefully when I get paid friday it will be enough to elevate some of the pain.

Damn, peanut butter toast sure tastes good.

Can you get the plague from loving someone "too much"?

We become accustom to certain things in our lives that when they are gone, it feels as though the world might collapse, or at least it’s a ditch in the road where we might feel a little bit helpless.

Sleeping next to him made me realize the comfort that he brings me from his presence. And I chastise myself for having these feelings about him. I get so angry at myself. I feel as though I am torturing myself by having these feelings. Because these feelings will never be returned, but some how that is okay with me, and I hate that. It’s this unconditional love that says, “Even though you do not love me, I will love you for every imperfection, every thing you say and the things you don’t say.”

Love truly is blind and it makes me sick.

But then I think, is it really that pointless for me to feel the way I do about him? I am almost positively sure that it is. But some how cannot stop, even against my better judgments. This, I feel, makes me weak because I cannot resist the power of comfort.

I remember laying there the other night wrapped in the blankets, his mouth near my ear, his arms around me, and one hand rubbing my side. The comfort he brought me, by just being there. How his touch soothed me as I laid curled up; listening to each inhale and exhale, feeling the warm of this breath against my neck and ear, thinking to myself, I could do this everyday. If I could wake up like this, how much better my life would feel. Does he feel the same?

So why did he call me that night? He’s never just called me out of the blue. The hopeful side of me thinks, maybe he likes me more than he lets me know, would it even be possible for this to be true?

“But we both know the worst part about it, is I would be free if you wanted me, if you wanted me…”

He wrote the words that would pierce me with claw-like precision.