Just because you are blind and unable to see my beauty, doesn’t mean it does not exist.

I exploded on my friend john about my feeling about my size, which is really something I don’t do. I never complain to guy friends about how fat I am and how it really disturbs me and makes me so upset almost to the point of tears.

But with the holiday season coming and the need for somewhat formal attire for the company party, I couldn’t help but break down. I’ve been so stressed and depressed about it and when I went to get what I thought would be the perfect look, I was only let down. So I bought a substitute outfit, and it’s not really making me feel any better.

So I exploded on him about how I feel so freaking frustrated with myself because I look the way I do. And its really not looks, it’s just that I cannot find ANYTHING that cute for someone my size. If I shop in the plus sized boutiques, they have grandma-esque clothing and I don’t want to wear leopard print with some sort of floral combination. It’s not very pretty. I just would like to find a dress that looks good on me, or decent. I get that I’m fat and I’m not going to look like Avril Lavigne in a dress, but damn it clothing company’s give me something to effing work with.

Or is that my punishment for being fat? That I cannot be stylish? That the clothing provided for me will just be total shit. Is that supposed to be the drive to make me lose weight? Because it’s not really working, it just makes me want to kill someone in the fashion industry that decided safari print was a good thing for bigger girls.