Intro to Human Psychology

The thing about life is, I’m not choosing to live for the sake of me, because let’s face it, that ship has sailed.

Nothing I ever do is really about me or not often do I do things because I want to. I have this tendency to live for other people. Live to make other people feel better. Although sometimes I cause pain to people when I do suddenly take interest in myself and my own feelings. I get trampled on far more times than I’d like to count, but I never seem to learn. I just continue on the path and move forward and forgive, but never forget. And it’s in that “never forget” that I make tick marks on the wall inside of me.

How many times will I let a person cross me before I snap? I’m not sure I even have that answer now. I find that people may think I judge them because I am someone who judges things, the thing about that is, I tend to forgive my judgments completely. When I find myself at a cross point where someone is doing something I might not agree with, I think it comes off as me trying to tell them to change themselves or as me passing judgment on what they are doing. I think I make it seem like if they don’t modify their behavior, I have no use for them. I come off mean. But the reality of the situation is that I’m actually just saying “hey, this is not something I expected, it’s not something I want to be part of and I want to back out.”

What I guess I don’t know how to do is be supportive and be around when things make me uncomfortable or don’t exactly mesh with my ideals. I think I come off more as “unfriendly” or “A party pooper.” I also have a problem with lying about how I feel about a situation. I tend to be the friend who tells it like it is, or as I see it, because there are always multiple realities. People want to ask for opinions, but don’t always want to hear it. And sometimes I give an opinion when I shouldn’t. Sometimes I should just be quiet.

I think the problem is, I want others to have it better. I feel I’m a tortured soul and my ship has already sailed that I want to make sure people have it better than me. You can’t always protect people and sometimes in protecting them, you hurt them.I hurt people a lot I think in my attempts to protect. I can’t change what I’ve done all I can change is what I will try to do in the future.

I know that it’s not as simple as “letting it go.” Because emotions like mine are not something you can just switch off and on. Because the very words “let it go” to me, demand an instant reaction. As in, don't be mad. Just be happy. Whereas, it’s not always that simple I suppose.

It creates a black and white ideal and this stigma that there’s something completely wrong with me because I can’t just “let it go.” It’s not ever about being mad, mad I always can just switch of, it’s hurt that takes a bit more processing for me.

Chasing Pavements

I’m feeling the urge to run again. And maybe I’m being a bit melodramatic when I say that life seems to hit me hard when it hits me.

Arizona this summer was a bust. There were good parts to it, but mostly it was a bust. And everyone knew it would be the collapse of my relationship except m. Because being away from Daniel made me realize the things I missed about him. It renewed my sense of need for him in my life and the things we did together.

My grandma’s house being sold was a major blow for me. Watching pieces of her stuff be carted off to different people’s homes or even walking through the hallowed existence of a place I called home for so many years broke me. It hurts me now. It feels like closing her estate meant the closing of my family, everyone can say that I haven’t lost them, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel like they’re gone from me too. My family is broken, and while it always has been I feel like even more so now. I feel detached from my siblings and worlds away because I chose to leave Arizona.

So, this whole “Jenn having a nervous breakdown.” is not because Daniel left me, but it is part of my fear of abandonment.

I fucking hate my mom. It’s easy for me to say that, but it hurts just the same. I know that she gave me life and I should appreciate it, but she only gave birth to me, she did not provide me with a life any one should have to endure. So, yeah, I have a chip on my shoulder. And my fear of abandonment is her fault. My need to run every few months because she wouldn't let us go to people who could actually care for us and provide us with stability. But no, instead kept us so she could maintain a government check... but provided the most unstable living, constantly moving.

The first time I actually completed one whole grade in the same school was in 4th grade, between Kindergarten and 3rd grade I don’t know how many schools I attended, but I know it was a lot.

And then she has the nerve to ask me to go out to lunch or dinner with her while I was in Arizona. Why would I want anything to do with her? But still it hurt for me to tell her I couldn’t have a relationship with her, because my heart so desperately wants a mother...but I know it’s just always going to be about her, and she'll break my heart again, just like she did every weekend when I was a child. She broke my heart every time she did drugs and every time she picked alcohol over us. The time she just moved to Las Vegas while we stayed at our grandma's for the weekend.
So my ability to cope with a relationship break up has seemingly been escalated because my heart just feels abandoned and all of these painful memories and hurts seem to come into the light. Memories I thought I’d extinguished. Things I thought I had overcame.

I came home to emptiness and particularly a couple losses, friendships and otherwise and I tried like hell to find something to refocus my attention. So I picked school, and I found out I’m about 3 semesters behind in school, which in the long run doesn’t seem like much, but when you’re in the position I am, it’s a lot.
I have very few friends here and when I attempt to make friends I just end up feeling like a fucking third wheel or desperate case. I fear talking because I’m just another basket case with issues. I feel like I’m placing the burden of my sadness on other people.

It takes away my breath and leaves pieces of me fragmented and lost.

And I'm in love with a guy that logically my brain says "Let it go" but my heart can't. My heart hurts, every fucking love song makes me cry, every break up song makes my heart ache, and everyone around me seems to be so happy in love and I'm here like... "I’m sorry that I'm sad, I just hurt” or I fake happiness so I don't make them feel bad because I feel bad.

And I feel like everyone is just waiting for me to fail. Like I have to keep treading this water because everyone expects me to be strong and push forward because I always have. Like a cat, I always seem to land on my feet.
I’m too sad to land on my feet. I’m too heartbroken to stay afloat. I’m too tired of fighting and I can’t figure out how move forward.

I’m stuck and I want to run from safety.

"Should I give up, Or should I just keep chasin' pavements even if it leads nowhere..."

You don't really care for music do yah?

One of my first boyfriends introduced me to a lot of fantastic music. I remember nights we'd fall asleep on his sister's couch or his bed listening to a play list he created and I used to wake up specifically to two separate songs, but I wasn't completely sure what they were. I just know it was always the same similar sound and cords every time. But I remember I would open my eyes and then snuggle close to him. I felt calm and safe in those moments, probably the calmest I'd ever felt in my life.

This was almost 8 years ago.

About a year ago, I was driving and a song came on the radio and I felt this wave of calm flood over me and I cried. It was a particularly stressful week and my body was in knots, so to have this emotion flood was really interesting.

It wasn't until much later that I realized that the song that I became obsessed with during the next few months was actually one of the songs that I woke up to when I was with David.

Even now I hear it and I feel a sense of calm wash over me. It's one of those moments in my relationship that even though that relationship has ended and it hurt.

I truly love to relive the moment, if only to feel the breath of calm.

Somebody that I used to know...

Did my favorite song for the months of March-July really just become my reality? I think so.

Let go Jennifer. Let Go.

“But you didn’t have to cut me off, make out like it never happened and that we were nothing. I don’t even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough…now you’re just somebody that I used to know… ”

I keep building up hope, I keep holding on. I need to stop. I need to stop holding on to this idealism. This romanticism that my life will be like a movie, which he’ll discover we need to be together. No one will be with me as long as I am where I am. No one. Not him, not anyone.

Self-talk: I need to get rid of those who objectify me. Have some fucking respect for yourself! We are all better than someone who constantly objectifies you.

Do not become a victim.

Choose life.

Choose better.

I deserve it.

I need it.

I can have it.

Why is this so hard for me to actually do? I know what I need to do, but I can’t do it. Emotionally my brain just shuts down all logic. I do not want to be bitter or resentful, I want to be happy.

I juts don’t want to feel like someone discarded.

Unpretty

I’m extremely upset by the prospect of spending my birthday in class and then alone. I want to do something, to forget about how I feel. But I can’t even to begin to think of what to do. I try to do things with co-workers but then I just feel like I’m this desperate girl.

I am desperate. I’m desperate for friends, for human interaction. I’m desperate to escape this feeling of utter and complete loneliness. I’m desperate to get away from this loss and these tears. I feel like I’m losing touch and falling apart. I’m trying so hard to appear to be adjusted, but I’m so incredibly misplaced and hopeless right now. I do not know how to get past this feeling.

I don’t know how to stop thinking about the “what ifs” What if I was beautiful, what if I was thin. What if I wasn’t me? Maybe then I wouldn’t be so easy to dismiss. Today is a sad night for me, despite having dinner with family and friends of the family, I feel so detached from everyone. A broken soggy puzzle piece with nowhere to fit.

Something missing

Honestly? I’m so exhausted. I was about to pull up a word document to type something out to Daniel, because I’m feeling things right now. But then I remembered the promise to myself to do 30 days of writing. I wanted to tell him how badly I miss him. How much I just want to talk to him about daily things again. And I’ve attempted via text, but I can tell he’s not ready to forgive me for real. He’s appeased me for the time saying he does, but I know he’s not ready for the friendship.

I just desperately want one of my best friends back. It’s true, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. I feel like to him, my absence is a blessing rather than misery. I think that hurts me to think that my absence is not missed. I strive so desperately to have someone to love me, no matter who it is. I want to be someone who is missed. It’s the certain amount of acceptance that I crave. I hate that it’s an emotional scare I have. But who doesn’t want to be wanted or missed? The problem is the amount of importance I place on it.

Years back when I was 19 and overly troubled I used to listen to this Evanescence song, “Missing.” I remember I used to lie lifelessly on the floor with headphones in listening to this song and feeling this gaping hole in my chest. When thoughts of suicide would run rampant through my mind, this song played.

“Please, please, forgive me, but I won't be home again. Maybe someday you'll look up and barely conscious, you'll say to no one "Isn't something missing?? You won't cry for my absence, I know, you forgot me long ago. Am I that unimportant? Am I so insignificant? Isn't something missing? Isn't someone missing me?”

It’s chilling to know I was at that point in my life. It’s chilling to know that at one point I’d made an honest attempt at escaping my own misery. I’m glad I wasn’t successful today and it renewed a sense of purpose I felt for life, but it was dark times for me. It’s not just with a romantic interest but in everyday life as well. I am a terribly broken person who has terribly high standards.

“Even though I'm the sacrifice you won't try for me, not now. Though I'd die to know you love me, I'm all alone. Isn't someone missing me? And if I bleed, I'll bleed knowing you don't care. And if I sleep just to dream of you, I'll wake without you there. Isn't something missing?”

Its dark times for me now, but I feel like I have enough light that I can't blow the flame out. And for that, I am grateful.

To the moon and back

I had my first home cooked meal today.

First real meal since being home that wasn’t store bought but made by hand of fresh ingredients. It was delicious, and it reminded me of Daniel. I really hate that simple things in my life like a home cooked meal now remind me of him. It was nice thoughts, but the chair beside me was empty and I had no one to give my fatty pieces of meat. It just sucks.

I wish I could turn back time and not have gone to Arizona for the whole summer. But I did and that won’t change. I have to work and focus on the future and stop tripping over my past. It's a difficult idea for me because I live with such regret. I need to stop regretting the things of my past and make better choices. But that's always easier said than done. And some days, I just don’t want to wake up.