I just desperately want one of my best friends back. It’s true, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. I feel like to him, my absence is a blessing rather than misery. I think that hurts me to think that my absence is not missed. I strive so desperately to have someone to love me, no matter who it is. I want to be someone who is missed. It’s the certain amount of acceptance that I crave. I hate that it’s an emotional scare I have. But who doesn’t want to be wanted or missed? The problem is the amount of importance I place on it.
Years back when I was 19 and overly troubled I used to listen to this Evanescence song, “Missing.” I remember I used to lie lifelessly on the floor with headphones in listening to this song and feeling this gaping hole in my chest. When thoughts of suicide would run rampant through my mind, this song played.
“Please, please, forgive me, but I won't be home again. Maybe someday you'll look up and barely conscious, you'll say to no one "Isn't something missing?? You won't cry for my absence, I know, you forgot me long ago. Am I that unimportant? Am I so insignificant? Isn't something missing? Isn't someone missing me?”
It’s chilling to know I was at that point in my life. It’s chilling to know that at one point I’d made an honest attempt at escaping my own misery. I’m glad I wasn’t successful today and it renewed a sense of purpose I felt for life, but it was dark times for me. It’s not just with a romantic interest but in everyday life as well. I am a terribly broken person who has terribly high standards.
“Even though I'm the sacrifice you won't try for me, not now. Though I'd die to know you love me, I'm all alone. Isn't someone missing me? And if I bleed, I'll bleed knowing you don't care. And if I sleep just to dream of you, I'll wake without you there. Isn't something missing?”
Its dark times for me now, but I feel like I have enough light that I can't blow the flame out. And for that, I am grateful.
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