Intro to Human Psychology

The thing about life is, I’m not choosing to live for the sake of me, because let’s face it, that ship has sailed.

Nothing I ever do is really about me or not often do I do things because I want to. I have this tendency to live for other people. Live to make other people feel better. Although sometimes I cause pain to people when I do suddenly take interest in myself and my own feelings. I get trampled on far more times than I’d like to count, but I never seem to learn. I just continue on the path and move forward and forgive, but never forget. And it’s in that “never forget” that I make tick marks on the wall inside of me.

How many times will I let a person cross me before I snap? I’m not sure I even have that answer now. I find that people may think I judge them because I am someone who judges things, the thing about that is, I tend to forgive my judgments completely. When I find myself at a cross point where someone is doing something I might not agree with, I think it comes off as me trying to tell them to change themselves or as me passing judgment on what they are doing. I think I make it seem like if they don’t modify their behavior, I have no use for them. I come off mean. But the reality of the situation is that I’m actually just saying “hey, this is not something I expected, it’s not something I want to be part of and I want to back out.”

What I guess I don’t know how to do is be supportive and be around when things make me uncomfortable or don’t exactly mesh with my ideals. I think I come off more as “unfriendly” or “A party pooper.” I also have a problem with lying about how I feel about a situation. I tend to be the friend who tells it like it is, or as I see it, because there are always multiple realities. People want to ask for opinions, but don’t always want to hear it. And sometimes I give an opinion when I shouldn’t. Sometimes I should just be quiet.

I think the problem is, I want others to have it better. I feel I’m a tortured soul and my ship has already sailed that I want to make sure people have it better than me. You can’t always protect people and sometimes in protecting them, you hurt them.I hurt people a lot I think in my attempts to protect. I can’t change what I’ve done all I can change is what I will try to do in the future.

I know that it’s not as simple as “letting it go.” Because emotions like mine are not something you can just switch off and on. Because the very words “let it go” to me, demand an instant reaction. As in, don't be mad. Just be happy. Whereas, it’s not always that simple I suppose.

It creates a black and white ideal and this stigma that there’s something completely wrong with me because I can’t just “let it go.” It’s not ever about being mad, mad I always can just switch of, it’s hurt that takes a bit more processing for me.