Chasing Pavements

I’m feeling the urge to run again. And maybe I’m being a bit melodramatic when I say that life seems to hit me hard when it hits me.

Arizona this summer was a bust. There were good parts to it, but mostly it was a bust. And everyone knew it would be the collapse of my relationship except m. Because being away from Daniel made me realize the things I missed about him. It renewed my sense of need for him in my life and the things we did together.

My grandma’s house being sold was a major blow for me. Watching pieces of her stuff be carted off to different people’s homes or even walking through the hallowed existence of a place I called home for so many years broke me. It hurts me now. It feels like closing her estate meant the closing of my family, everyone can say that I haven’t lost them, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel like they’re gone from me too. My family is broken, and while it always has been I feel like even more so now. I feel detached from my siblings and worlds away because I chose to leave Arizona.

So, this whole “Jenn having a nervous breakdown.” is not because Daniel left me, but it is part of my fear of abandonment.

I fucking hate my mom. It’s easy for me to say that, but it hurts just the same. I know that she gave me life and I should appreciate it, but she only gave birth to me, she did not provide me with a life any one should have to endure. So, yeah, I have a chip on my shoulder. And my fear of abandonment is her fault. My need to run every few months because she wouldn't let us go to people who could actually care for us and provide us with stability. But no, instead kept us so she could maintain a government check... but provided the most unstable living, constantly moving.

The first time I actually completed one whole grade in the same school was in 4th grade, between Kindergarten and 3rd grade I don’t know how many schools I attended, but I know it was a lot.

And then she has the nerve to ask me to go out to lunch or dinner with her while I was in Arizona. Why would I want anything to do with her? But still it hurt for me to tell her I couldn’t have a relationship with her, because my heart so desperately wants a mother...but I know it’s just always going to be about her, and she'll break my heart again, just like she did every weekend when I was a child. She broke my heart every time she did drugs and every time she picked alcohol over us. The time she just moved to Las Vegas while we stayed at our grandma's for the weekend.
So my ability to cope with a relationship break up has seemingly been escalated because my heart just feels abandoned and all of these painful memories and hurts seem to come into the light. Memories I thought I’d extinguished. Things I thought I had overcame.

I came home to emptiness and particularly a couple losses, friendships and otherwise and I tried like hell to find something to refocus my attention. So I picked school, and I found out I’m about 3 semesters behind in school, which in the long run doesn’t seem like much, but when you’re in the position I am, it’s a lot.
I have very few friends here and when I attempt to make friends I just end up feeling like a fucking third wheel or desperate case. I fear talking because I’m just another basket case with issues. I feel like I’m placing the burden of my sadness on other people.

It takes away my breath and leaves pieces of me fragmented and lost.

And I'm in love with a guy that logically my brain says "Let it go" but my heart can't. My heart hurts, every fucking love song makes me cry, every break up song makes my heart ache, and everyone around me seems to be so happy in love and I'm here like... "I’m sorry that I'm sad, I just hurt” or I fake happiness so I don't make them feel bad because I feel bad.

And I feel like everyone is just waiting for me to fail. Like I have to keep treading this water because everyone expects me to be strong and push forward because I always have. Like a cat, I always seem to land on my feet.
I’m too sad to land on my feet. I’m too heartbroken to stay afloat. I’m too tired of fighting and I can’t figure out how move forward.

I’m stuck and I want to run from safety.

"Should I give up, Or should I just keep chasin' pavements even if it leads nowhere..."