Unpretty

I’m extremely upset by the prospect of spending my birthday in class and then alone. I want to do something, to forget about how I feel. But I can’t even to begin to think of what to do. I try to do things with co-workers but then I just feel like I’m this desperate girl.

I am desperate. I’m desperate for friends, for human interaction. I’m desperate to escape this feeling of utter and complete loneliness. I’m desperate to get away from this loss and these tears. I feel like I’m losing touch and falling apart. I’m trying so hard to appear to be adjusted, but I’m so incredibly misplaced and hopeless right now. I do not know how to get past this feeling.

I don’t know how to stop thinking about the “what ifs” What if I was beautiful, what if I was thin. What if I wasn’t me? Maybe then I wouldn’t be so easy to dismiss. Today is a sad night for me, despite having dinner with family and friends of the family, I feel so detached from everyone. A broken soggy puzzle piece with nowhere to fit.