Of recent events and other psychobabble nonsense.

I like how my thought process pans out and how I discover new words to broaden my vocabulary.

When I think of certain things, if I cannot find the word that I want to describe something I think of something similar to it and the thesaurus becomes my best friend. I am a sucker for finding synonyms’, a word I can barely say without some sort of speech tripping.

For example, I was having a discussion with my friend about how Saddam was hung and just my thoughts that hangings were so, old fashion, but I didn’t want to use those words precisely to describe what I thought of it. So I looked up ancient in the dictionary, then checked its synonyms, I found the precise word to describe what I thought about hangings. Archaic. This is a word that means of or relating to, or characteristic of a much earlier, often more primitive period. It was a perfect fit to describe my feelings towards hanging which I also included such ancient punishments as being plunge to death by a rock which is referred to as stoning.

I guess that I felt that hanging were a rather primitive form of death, not that I agree with the death penalty anyway (which is a far more in depth feelings of why or why not.) But I figure if someone’s going to be put to death it should be done by something that would be modern and up to date. Not to say that I want him shot to death by an oozy, but rather lethal injection might have been a less ‘archaic’ form of the death penalty carried out.

I’m a bleeding heart liberal so I suppose my compassion for humanity comes out here, I am all for justice, but I tend to lean towards a more empathetic side than rule by an iron fist.

I guess my thoughts on the matter are; what’s next 5 days in the stocks? Are we going to bring back dungeons? Or should we have just nailed him to a cross? Or are crosses reserved for those who will be considered our savior later on?

How to Rock Jennie’s World 101

So I went to a concert Tuesday night with my friend Laura to see a band I absolutely adore. It’s a Tucson/Boston local acoustic duo named Ryanhood with Ryan Green and Cameron Hood and I seriously love them. Think Beatlesmania… but less Beatles.

So before the show we’re waiting in line for tickets to what was supposed to be a sold out show but were told that there would be two separate shows if you didn’t get into the first show. As we’re standing there Cameron comes out and talks to a couple people in front of us, and then goes back inside, then he comes back out talks to some other people, at this point sees me smiles and waves then continues to talk to some people behind us, then, he walks by me, stops turns and says “Is your name Jennie?” at which point I pretty much died.

I think it’s silly that I have such a crush on this band that I actually got the butterflies. Its not like very many people that I know of have heard the band, but I just think they are amazing. So Cameron tells me thank you for being a fan and such and then I start babbling inconsistently and I look like a total dork. That’s okay, but my night gets better.

Tickets are sold out for the first show. Damn. So Laura and I go out for dinner and then come back for the second show. Finally we get in around 9:30 and the show starts roughly at 10:15ish, “opening act” kind of wasn’t something that imprinted my mind much; however the guest keyboard player was pretty good, that stuck out in my head.

We’re standing next to the backstage area of the stage and I see Cameron behind the curtains so I gesture for him to come over and he does and I ask him to play Born to Run To You because its absolutely one of my favorite songs. I love the lyrics (the writer in me is drawn to such things.) And he says, “Yea, we’re gonna play that because we didn’t at the first show.” So maybe it was good that we missed the first show?.

Finally Ryanhood came on and they play all the songs I love: old ones, new ones, a Beatles song and then as we’re coming to the end of the concert, born to run to you still hasn’t been played and I’m starting to lose hope in them actually playing it when all the sudden Cameron launches into a story about recording the song for the new album and how difficult it was. Then as I’m fiddling with my camera I hear “This is for Jennie.”

And then I died. I cannot even begin to describe these overwhelmed feelings of happiness… one might say I was extremely giddy and child like. It was like the backstreet boys craze all over again.

See people? It does pay to “observe from a safe distance”(read: Stalk) on myspace….

I might come off harsh?

So after a fantastic night (More on that later) I came home to a message in my myspace inbox from my sisters friend Kristin (who she has known since the 4th grade.) Normally, I would think nothing of it, however, this particular message was rather degrading towards me.. So I've decided to copy and paste the note I recieved, and then my response to it...


It would be nice to see a picture of you where your not posing for yourself and trying to look seductive. Just one....and the "heaven" blog...its a nice idea, but remeber that life is what you "make of it" too....and it's disheartening and unnerving to see JUST how you've responded to your current court situation and the outcome of that. Life is hard. You did something very wrong,...and it seemed that you resented that you got caught and had to face consequences....then on top of that, your not even grateful for having gotten off so easy. Your ONLY being ordered to attend...basically, a place where you can only become a better person if you'll open up your mind and get honest just a tiny bit. Self improvement rocks! Learning about yourself and how to be a better you....whats so bad about that? You CAN take something from EVERY session...just one thing....that can speak to you or change your life....but you've been unwilling from the get go. Its very, very sad. You have MANY issues that you need to work on before you are a healthy, stable person. Anyone reading your myspace could see that. These are only my opinions and I ONLY say something because I care. If I didn't, I wouldnt waste my time. Just about every time I read your blog or see a new picture, I wanna ring your pretty neck. There is so much more to you.....and you can be so fake and so frustrating sometimes. Just try a little honesty,openmindedness and willingness.....it'll get you a long way! Sorry if this seemes harsh ....call it tough love! Loves -Kristen

My Response:

To be honest with you, I'm not sure how to respond without saying fuck you, because I don't want to come off THAT rude...But I will let you know that What I do on my myspace is my business.

You know nothing of my health or the "situation" I am in... In fact, your opinion on my current situation means exactly dick to me, because I'm not sure you even know the situation.

Actually, I know you only know half the situation. You know the situation in which you were told/relayed to by my sister, who doesnt even know. Its all bias and one sided. I may have gotten off "easy" on the crime that was or wasn't committed, but as far as you know, I'm innocent.. unless of course you pre-judged me, in which case I might suggest you get help and go at it open mindedly to better improve yourself.

What I am doing may have been seen as "easy," but I can assure you it has NOT been easy. And thats pretty much all you need to know. Furthermore, if you actually took the time to READ you would actually see that I did say I learned something from the sessions at the "Circle Jerk."

In fact, I'm not sure where you are gathering your information that I am not taking this situation as a learn from it experience... Because I have not said one word about not trying to improve myself... and I would also like to add that I am also the one who exersised my ability to admit fault and apologize for any wrong doing, of course, you would that, if you had actually taken the time to ask me, instead you just pass judgement and went off on me as if you really knew "the big picture."

Furthermore, I pose for myself because to me, I am beautiful and my vanity is my vanity. I do not press it upon you. I do not make you look at the photos, you do that on your own. If you dont like it, don't look. Simple as that.

I take what I want because I like them. I know for a fact that I would not post a photo I did not like. So if a photo I take seems "seductive" or as if I am posing for myself, Thats because I am. Those are the pictures I like to take. I enjoy being/looking seductive. I enjoy posing for pictures, because in reality, thats all anyone ever does...

My heaven blog was more a thoughts after reading a book... It was not something set in stone, it was merely a analyzation of what I got out of the book and how I was connecting it to my thoughts...I am well aware that life is what I make it, but thank you for again reminding me, I appreciate that you took the time to assure me of such information.

Whats disheartening and unnerving is how you have responded to what has been relayed to you, making me seem like I am the only person who has ever screwed up. I admit, I have screwed up. I take full responsibility for my actions. But as I have said, you know nothing of what I am doing to "fix" my mistake, or the stuff I have to (or will have to) go through because I "got off easy"

So until you are truely able to see what is really there. I mean clearly see the whole picture (as you have suggested to me) I'd like you to keep your tough love to yourself, because if you knew anything of me, anything at all, you'd know that I can damn well give myself my own tough love without your overly opinionated, one-sided imput.

Thank you.

I'll see to it that your request for one "decent/unposed/un-seductive" picture is posted....

-----

I may have come off as a jack ass, but this girl knows exactly dick as I had explained. Her actions were unwarrented and quite frankly pissed me off... As if you couldn't tell.

Wow this did not turn out how I wanted it to....

Is it just me or is anyone else glad Christmas is over?

I had a good Christmas, it was decent…I was trying to think of my favorite present this year, and I thought of the list I got…

Lotions (bath and body)
Gift Card to Bath and Body Works (Pearberry here I come…)
Soft Socks in Pink
A Pink bear inside of a pink gift box (wicked cute and soft…)
Mp3 player (That I may have already broken, like a reject…)
Cook book (as if I cook…..)
Scarves (2 of them, one with matching hat and glove set…..which, I look like a smurf in argyle)
Silver heart Earrings (way cute)
Pearl necklace and earrings
Jack Johnson CD
Brothers Grimm DVD

So there’s my list. I’ve been over a few times and I guess I’d have to say my favorite gift was the Pearl necklace and earrings….

For the sentimental person in me when I opened them my first thought was “great I got the same thing as Cassie” (my sister) and then later I was explaining what I got to my friend Laura and it was like the moment I said pearls the thought came to me.

I’m going to put the necklace and the earrings away and save them for the day I get married since this Christmas marks a significant year in my life.

A lot of stuff has happened to me in this past year, most I would have never expected and some that I would have. Someone once told me 20 was the year you change the most, but I’d say, 22 was my year for change.

I feel so different now…

My realization for the year… I am touchable….Because I thought I was untouchable… that no one could break me…. And Now, I realize that I am broken…. Very very broken.

I am so broken that I actually had a breakdown on Christmas Eve. After many amounts of badgering from my family about my looks, from my hair to my weight to my arms to my piercings, I just broke down and cried.

My aunt was telling me how she knew how I felt, with the whole having a hard time finding clothes that look good and fit me right, which I responded with.. No you have no fucking idea what its like to be 22-years-old and having to dress like your 50 year old aunt because there isn’t anything stylish in your size.

She doesn’t have any idea how I have actually TRIED to lose weight but haven’t. So she suggests that I see a doctor about it, but then she wouldn’t know what its like to not have insurance, and when you don’t have insurance, your looking at paying until your dead in doctors fees. God help me not get the plague.

So maybe this is a poor-me rant, but I feel like I’m at a point in my life where no matter what I do, the pieces of me will never be put back together. I think that’s what some people call hopeless. I am completely hopeless.

So here’s to finding the super glue in 2007.

Rose By any other name could be a Weed….

So I'm doing an in-depth survey based on Employees at intuit.. (We have a company directory with pictures)

The hypothesis is: People can be attractive based on their names alone. Meaning, you can judge a persons attractiveness by the name they are given. This is not by any means a serious poll, however, I do have supporting facts below are just a few names I chose to survey….

My theory is that this survey could help people in the future when choosing baby names. If they would like their kids to be attractive, they will go with a more attractive name, and if they’re freaking retards, their kid's name will be Eugene or Frank.

FYI: Anything above 65% might be considered a good chance.

Matt: There were 13 people with the name Matt, Of the 13, only 4 were complete trolls. That means 70% of people with the name Matt are attractive. Thus I conclude that most Matt's are attractive.

Jennifer: There are 70 Jennifer’s' of that, 7 were not pictured and 17 were hideous.. However, that still means that based on the ratio of 63 Jennifers with 17 being trolls, 73% are still attractive. Meaning that most Jennifers’ are attractive.

David: There were 145 David's, and the first 20, 15 of them were unattractive; I cut that survey short and concluded that most David’s are hideous.

Jessica: Jessica's were at 22, with 2 not pictured, 6 of them scared me. Which means at 70% most Jessica’s could be considered attractive as well.

Andrews: refer to the David problem.

Derrick: Of the 5 Derricks employed by intuit, 1 of them was attractive. Thus I conclude that most derricks are complete trolls. Do not waste your time.

Mike: First of all, good amount of them need to take a step out of the 80’s with their hair… there were 46 Mikes, 5 of them not pictured, 20 of them were scary beyond all reason… and apparently intuit hires lumberjacks. So that means 51% of them were attractive… Ouch... Things are NOT looking good for the mikes out there.. And the Michaels…. I’m not even going to dive into that one.

Chris (Male): Of the 70 there were 11 not pictured (thus I can conclude that uh, Chris have the most not pictured issues.) and 15 of them were outrageously ugly. But that still left them at 74% of them being attractive… I conclude that most people with the name Chris are attractive (Males)

Elena: There were four of them.. This one was easy. 2 were attractive and 2 were no goes. 50% of Elena’s are attractive. So really it’s kind of like sticking your hand in a bowl of Piranhas and hoping that you don't get bit.

Laura: Let me take a moment here... there were 31 Laura’s. 5 of them not pictured. 9 of them were repugnant… and that left them at 65% of Laura’s being attractive, however, if we’re going on school standards, 65 is NOT passing, it’s a D… So we’ll leave it as that….Laura’s are D’s… and not in the bra size either… But hey High school says they’re “passing” So you can have a high school passing grade here.

Ashley: Well first of all… there were 3… and one was a freaking GUY! Ashley Fernandez! He wasn’t attractive at all, he sort of looked handicapped. So now we’re down to 2 Ashley’s and one of them was freaking not pictured. So I have declared that people with the name Ashley are attractive.

Grace: Hail Mary full of Grace…… or not… There were 7 Graces, and 2 of them were awkward looking. But that still leaves them at 71% of grace’s are attractive. So Good job, maybe Mary was full of grace, but I hear it was Joseph, virgin my ass…

Justin: Things were looking so good for the Justin’s of the world, however, they only came in at 58% and as we learned, that isn’t a passing grade…. I guess we’ll take this name as we did Elena...

Stay tuned… this study may be continued.

You've got Mail!

Its stuff like this that make my day much more entertaining and enjoyable, because Dang, my job would be boring without her.

E-mail Conversation as follows:

Jess: I’m so cooooollllldddddd make it stop. And I have Yeti legs that I thought that sheer hose would hide for some reason. Stupid. I’m waiting for someone to ask me how I found the fur-lined tights and do they keep my legs warm?

Jennie: :squeaklaugh: Oh my god,, where do you come up with this stuff?

Jess: In the f**ked up world that is in my head.

Jennie: Tell me more about this world…: sits, legs crossed, gets a notepad, puts on glasses and folds hands in lap strategically still holding a pen in folded hands:

Jess: Well, in my world, I am the queen. I have a co-ruler named JennieTheKoala, and we rule our land with an iron fist. We have boys as slaves and libraries everywhere. Also, in my world you can eat whatever you want whenever you want. There is no salad in my world. In fact, it’s outlawed… We don’t believe in the death penalty except in certain instances, like bending the spine of a book or defacing a cover…. Oh yes, and in my world, disrespectful boys are made to work in the salt mines until they shape up and show us the proper groveling technique

Anyway… Song List lately has included more that 1 song that I want to hear repeatedly…The songs are as follows… They (the songs) are good. Those are my song recommendations for the week.

Far Away - Nickelback
My Little Girl – Tim McGraw
Before He Cheats – Carrie Underwood
Hate Me – Blue October
If everyone cared – Nickelback
Lips of An Angel – Hinder
Wake up – Coheed and Cambria
Savin’ Me - Nickelback

Yes, it is true... I have nothing exceptionally cool to write about.

Big City Dreams: Audience Participation Please :)

So Jess and I were talking (John and I do this a lot) about places we would like to live and she asked me if I would ever live in California, so I made a list of places I considered acceptable places to live. Then she asked me why, so I jotted down my reasons and here we go…

NYC - Because I want to photograph it. I want to live the NY state of mind (if I don’t already) I want to be the fashion ad... etc. Dreams/hopes/wants/ Beautiful Architecture, A lot of history nearby.... its NYC...

Chicago - LOVE the City. Love the buildings. I know the area. I have family here. I looked like a Garfield car cling when we drove through it the first time *splat*

Los Angeles - I love the beaches along the coast here. I like Hollywood. I know my way around. I like the weather, and what’s around it.

London – It’s not America. I love British Culture. Fashion. Music. Historical reasons…again.

Somewhere in Italy – Preferably a small country area (think Under the Tuscan Sun) Because I want to be somewhere I can be free, to write, think, live, breathe. The city girl in me also is a lil bit country…

San Francisco - “The City”.. I “know” a photographer in the area; I want to be able to take the pictures he takes. It’s beautiful up there.

Seattle – The only response I can give for this choice is a song lyric by garbage…. “I’m only happy when it rains.....”

Boston - It’s not far from NYC, Also in a historic area. Coastal. Canadia is not to far and it’s not far to visit other states.

New Jersey - Close to NYC, Coastal, Good music scene, not far from Philadelphia and D.C. (Historical reasons again)

Phoenix – Oddly enough, I would live here. It’s close to family but still in a city-like atmosphere. Its 2 hours to the “country” and like 6 hours to a beach. The weather sucks, But Hey, That’s what air conditioning is for right? And I have to admit, I have a small soft spot for Arizona…. Even if it is Dante’s Inferno.

As you can tell, I live a very expensive life in my head. I dream big city dreams…

So I guess, I’ll make this an open forum Blog Posting…

What are your top 5 Cities (if you could live ANYWHERE) where would you live… Give me the Cities and why. I don’t want countries. I want specific places and reasons if you will.

All the tension, wait for the call..

Is it wrong for me to be upset that my “best Friend” goes to her boyfriend before she goes to me about stuff? Especially when I have known her longer?

I ask this because, a friend of mine is dealing with a trauma in her life, one that I can relate with quite well, the passing on of a grandfather, not only can I relate as I lost my own grandfather who I was very close to, but I was also quite close to said friend’s family.

I guess I just find it almost insulting when I get messages from the boyfriend telling me to call her, but not tell her he told me that she needed me. My theory is, you have to tell me if you need me, I can’t read minds. And I have not once turned her down when she said “I need you” for any reason. That’s the type of friend I am, I almost always bend over backwards for a friend.

I want her to know she isn’t alone, and I have brought the thought/idea up to her about her coming to me instead of the boyfriend, or before the boyfriend, she just kind of shrugged it off. It hurt me.

“All the clouds oh they're gray I'll stay if you go away Concrete, tall as the sky movement, passing me by and the blush what a rush reminisce cold crush, next door, ear to the wall, all the tension, wait for the call..” - Behind Blue Eyes (cover) - Limp Bizket

...All by myself I need to get around this...

So I got word Sunday night that I needed to be out by the 1st of January…. A lot of time that left me. I know I don’t have the money for the move in fees and first months rent on a place. So I hit panic mode. This for me is a little different from what it used to be… So instead of throwing myself on the bed/floor and sobbing uncontrollably and thinking worse case scenario, I now sob uncontrollably while trying to find a solution.

So that’s better Yeah?

I found a solution, well I have a friend who was gracious enough to allow me to move into his place this weekend so I can just get out of the place as soon as possible and then be rid of Jamie and her issues. Thank God. It is going to be a bit more than I pay now and my only new concern is how I’m going to pay it. I have the money; I just won’t have much for Christmas presents. Granted I have like 2 more I have to pay for, if I give the full 450 out of my next check I will only have 410.00 leftover and that has to pay for gas/food/cell phone and Christmas….. This is how it will break down.

- Payout -
Rent: 450.00
Gas for car: 100.00 for two weeks
Food for two weeks (for just me usually): 80-100.00 (max, usually only 50 for two weeks, I just put aside 80-100.00)
Cell phone: 80.00
Court Ordered Program: 100.00

Totals: 830.00

Paycheck – 860.00

That leaves me with 30.00 for Christmas… NOT good. So uh, that’s some stress on my mind. I don’t know what to do about it at this point. My Next paycheck after Dec 22nd will be January 5th. So we shall see how everything pans out. Wish me luck that I don’t sink.

I miss some people…. A little more than I should, two people in particular.

And I’m finding myself falling for someone…Crap.

In my heaven...

“Inside the snow globe on my father’s desk, there was a penguin wearing a red and-white-striped scarf. When I was little my father would pull me into his lap and reach for the snow globe. He would turn it over, letting all the snow collect at on the top, then quickly invert it. The two of us watched the snow fall gently around the penguin. The penguin was alone in there, I thought, and I worried for him. When I told my father this, he said “Don’t worry Susie; he has a nice life. He’s trapped in a perfect world.’”

I just started re-reading The Lovely Bones; I like how the author Alice Seabold perceives heaven.

It’s an interesting idea. She describes heaven as when you die you go to place and in that place is what you make of it. And in these heavens you share a place with someone who might have similar interest as you do. Like Susie, meets a girl who likes dogs, so in both of their heavens, they have dogs.

Also, in the book there’s a line about a teacher's daughter who died of leukemia.

“His daughter died a year and a half after I did. She had leukemia, but I never saw her in my heaven.”

It made me think that if there is a heaven, is it much like described here, where things you love appear. And if so in my heaven would there be a massive ocean and an amazing camera. Would there be things for me to photograph? But then no one would see and it would seem that endless amounts of creativity would finally be at my finger tips in my heaven, and no one would see them.

And would I see people who I had loved or known in my heaven? Would it be just like that? Would it be like they say where you join loved ones in heaven, because in the book it took a few years before Susie was reunited with anyone in her heaven? Well except her dog, he came as soon as he died.

So, in Susie heaven it had other girls that were murdered in it. Would that mean that girls who had the same death trait as me that we would share a heaven and had I been murdered would I want to have a heaven like that?

I love the speculation of this idea, and the images that the author created with in the book. Not to mention how much the book draws me to it. I enjoy it a lot, hence reading it for a third time since it came out.

In my heaven, there will be massive amounts of books… I know this much is true.

"All you have to do is desire it, and if you desire it enough and understand why -- really know -- it will come."

........wtf

I am having the WORST day for emotions... worst.

That is all.

Label Whores: This Bud is for Me... Not you...

With my last rant about my size behind me, I would like to inform everyone I found a fantastic dress that makes me feel pretty. So this is all well and good.

Which got me on the topic of fashion, and how I look back on pictures of me from when I was younger and you would have never pegged me for the fashionista I am now…In fact, you might even be discouraged and think, my god, don’t let that women dress anyone.

But for the past year and a half I have had friends tell me they love certain things about my make up and or style, and that they wish they had it. And I kept thinking, you mean “lack of style?” Because it doesn’t take much to have a lack of style…

But I guess I consider myself rather fashionable, I mean after all I am the friend that people call to take with them because they can say "I like this skirt/pant find me something to go with it" and with a matter of seconds I have them going "wow I look amazing.”

A talent I think? But I’m also good at being CHEAP and fashionable. Meaning I can accessorize too. I can make pretty much anyone look good, except myself. Why is that?

Probably just suffer from being my own worst critic.

In any event, it also brought to my attention the fact that there are some people who are label whores and not even in a good way. Just because you have a purse from Dior, doesn’t make you “cute” in fact, it just meant you spent 500.00 on something that’s going to get beat up, have make up spilled in it, and start reeking that “purse” smell, and you’re wearing clothes from target…

What? Why?

If you are going to be a true label whore I expect you to be wearing clothes that fit your hips, contrary to popular belief, mushroom top is not in (aka, your flab hanging out the sides of your pants because they’re ill fitting.) Instead, I expect to see you wearing Guess® jeans and coordinating Guess® shirt, Perhaps some Chanel® sunglasses and then maybe you can carry your Dooney and Burke® purse around and be a true label whore.

But even still, I will want you to die because contributing to companies like that is fucking stupid, when you could have saved your money and bought something cheaper that looks the exact same. But you’ve done it all for the sake of “being cute.” And you even failed miserably… very few can pull this off… very few.

Just because you are blind and unable to see my beauty, doesn’t mean it does not exist.

I exploded on my friend john about my feeling about my size, which is really something I don’t do. I never complain to guy friends about how fat I am and how it really disturbs me and makes me so upset almost to the point of tears.

But with the holiday season coming and the need for somewhat formal attire for the company party, I couldn’t help but break down. I’ve been so stressed and depressed about it and when I went to get what I thought would be the perfect look, I was only let down. So I bought a substitute outfit, and it’s not really making me feel any better.

So I exploded on him about how I feel so freaking frustrated with myself because I look the way I do. And its really not looks, it’s just that I cannot find ANYTHING that cute for someone my size. If I shop in the plus sized boutiques, they have grandma-esque clothing and I don’t want to wear leopard print with some sort of floral combination. It’s not very pretty. I just would like to find a dress that looks good on me, or decent. I get that I’m fat and I’m not going to look like Avril Lavigne in a dress, but damn it clothing company’s give me something to effing work with.

Or is that my punishment for being fat? That I cannot be stylish? That the clothing provided for me will just be total shit. Is that supposed to be the drive to make me lose weight? Because it’s not really working, it just makes me want to kill someone in the fashion industry that decided safari print was a good thing for bigger girls.

Well, Thank God For Tests and Alcohol eh?

So hey, I was all worried that I might be pregnant. But I'm not. Thats awesome. I really didnt think it was possible since like, the conditions of the "sex" I did have would lead me to think I could not be. But I was awefully sick for a week straight, very mimicing to "morning sickness."

So I tested...twice. And the results were negative. So it must all be from stress.

Speaking of Stress, its been causing the "normal headaches" all to often. I used to have a headache daily. But, I've been trying to steer clear of medications, I used to be so dependant on Ibprofren or Tylenol. I rarely went a day without taking at least 10-15 pills (which is NOT good.) I just couldn't stand the pain, so I tried to numb myself from it.

But the headaches are back and the "smart" person inside of me has decided the best cure is to drink some alcohol until you pass out... Yay for cheap wine.... Well, that and I might like the taste...Hopefully this does the trick. I'm also trying the caffine approach in hopes that when I wake up, the headache will be *poof* all gone.

I have a photoshoot tomorrow. Mostly just taking some christmas photos for a couple friends and their babies.

I hate leaving the house because it makes me think of all the money I dont have. And leaving the house cost money...in gas... And thus keeps me stressed.

Hopefully when I get paid friday it will be enough to elevate some of the pain.

Damn, peanut butter toast sure tastes good.

Can you get the plague from loving someone "too much"?

We become accustom to certain things in our lives that when they are gone, it feels as though the world might collapse, or at least it’s a ditch in the road where we might feel a little bit helpless.

Sleeping next to him made me realize the comfort that he brings me from his presence. And I chastise myself for having these feelings about him. I get so angry at myself. I feel as though I am torturing myself by having these feelings. Because these feelings will never be returned, but some how that is okay with me, and I hate that. It’s this unconditional love that says, “Even though you do not love me, I will love you for every imperfection, every thing you say and the things you don’t say.”

Love truly is blind and it makes me sick.

But then I think, is it really that pointless for me to feel the way I do about him? I am almost positively sure that it is. But some how cannot stop, even against my better judgments. This, I feel, makes me weak because I cannot resist the power of comfort.

I remember laying there the other night wrapped in the blankets, his mouth near my ear, his arms around me, and one hand rubbing my side. The comfort he brought me, by just being there. How his touch soothed me as I laid curled up; listening to each inhale and exhale, feeling the warm of this breath against my neck and ear, thinking to myself, I could do this everyday. If I could wake up like this, how much better my life would feel. Does he feel the same?

So why did he call me that night? He’s never just called me out of the blue. The hopeful side of me thinks, maybe he likes me more than he lets me know, would it even be possible for this to be true?

“But we both know the worst part about it, is I would be free if you wanted me, if you wanted me…”

He wrote the words that would pierce me with claw-like precision.

Well now that you meantion it, You are a fucker face.

Jesus Christ. Yes. I did use his name in vain because god DAMN IT why do people have to be so unpleasant? Honestly. Just because you are talking to someone from over the phone doesn’t mean I won’t reject your dumb ass. I don’t care HOW much you puff up.

Some people are just never happy and I hate when they try to use their "rank" to try and intimidate me. I will treat you the same as the person who has a GED. I don’t care if you’re Lt. Dan, Dr. Crawford, Gene Simons or Billy Bob from Alabama you get the same person (me), the same respect. So don’t try to pull that fucking "This is DR. So and so (emphasis the doctor part)" cause I don’t fucking care. That just means you paid a lot of money and you are still a fucking moron. And that my friend, is sad.

You could have four teeth missing and whistle when you say smith and I will still give you the same customer service and do the same thing for you as I did for Julia Roberts.

Why is that that these so called "Doctors" can’t even sort out how many fucking account that they have and how to sign into them. It gives me very little faith in our so-called Higher Education systems.

You're a doctor? WOW. How did you make it through medical school and you still can’t turn on your computer?

Remember, you called ME because YOU had a problem. I did not call you... Not to mention you interrupted my little game of solitar you ass hole.

I'd like to see the day "Hi this is Jennie from FastTax, I just wanted to know if you had problems installing your program... Oh you did? Oh, you don’t like our product, by all means, bitch away….”

Fuck that. Respect people, no matter if you are standing in front of them or on the phone. Your little "I am top dog" shit doesn't work with me buddy.

It's like finding $$ in your winter coat pocket from last year!

People always told me that when I’m writing to write what I can, leave it then come back to it later and often there will be revisions and then you may find yourself liking what you’ve written. I’ve never been one to like anything I write (yes, I too suffer from being my own worst critic…) Anyway, I was browsing my deviant art account and I checked the scraps section and found this little poem… And I liked it. I checked the date and I wrote it almost a year ago… 2 days short of being a year, but who’s really counting? I made a few word changes, but over all the poem is still the same that I wrote then.

So here is my untitled poem….

I’m waiting for you to come around,
But I’ve waited here before,
Minutes seemed like hours,
Hours seemed like days.

I’m lost and incomplete,
cold within myself,
Unforgettable dreams of you
and nothing feels the same.

My nights are haunted memories
in pictures and in dreams
you’ve picked the path most traveled
which doesn’t lead to me

So make your choice again,
and choose the broken path
You’ve already walked the half,
Come home safe to me.
- Jennifer Marie

The 1st of the Dear Sally Periodicals...

So yes, I am a bit stubborn about inside jokes being inside jokes between certain people.

Actually, I take that back, I’m stubborn about certain inside jokes being spread and turned into inside jokes with other people who were not part of the inside joke to begin with.

This is my little bitch-rant. I’m entitled to a once a week bitch-rant. And this is what I choose to have it on.

You bring it up to said person that your feelings were kind of hurt in such a situation and I love how they always get defensive about shit. Its like, Listen, bitch, I’m trying to tell you how I feel because you’ve complained that we don’t talk and when I do, you fucking get defensive about shit. OR make it seem like what I’m saying is petty… and it may be, but I’m fucking telling you for a god damn reason…not just to hear myself banter, because if I wanted to hear my own banter, I would do it WITHOUT you present.

[Edit: An Explanation- My Friend Ash and I had this inside joke where we had a gang sign for the "hood" we grew up in, which really isn’t a hood at all. It’s Rich-People-Are Us. And it was called the OV gang sign, which we kind of did just to be silly. Well that’s sort of always been our thing, we'd throw up the OV when people were doing West side... well all the sudden she has pictures and comments about the OV gangster’s and stuff. And it totally pisses me off… because I started that. And she makes it seem like everyone does it, which they don’t, it’s only because she’s said something to them. So I told her this and she shrugged it off. Over Reacting? Probably... : end edit]

So Tra la la, Tra La Lee…

Fuck you for taking something that meant something to me and turning it into such a fucking pop icon between you and your other friends.

I’ve decided to call my bitch-rants the Dear Sally Periodicals…So if you see this you may want to skip a head and not read them…Or read them, you may get amused by my tirades...

to affect sharply with some sensation or emotion, as of cold, pain, or grief

I’m not a cutter. I don’t burn myself. In fact the only “self-mutilation” I do really is piercing and tattoos, and they have become less taboo than they used to be. And you’re not considered to have some sort of mental issue because you have tattoos or piercings.

However, I think my mentality is a bit skewed. I don’t really cause too much harm to myself. But when I get overwhelmed with stress or anxiety I tend to get tattooed and/or pierced...which I’m sure is some sort of psychologically messed up mentality... The justification I have for all of this is that I generally want these things, its just I don’t usually do them until I feel entirely too overwhelmed with stress and/or emotions.

So I’ve pierced myself.

I’ll have to say chewing has become an obstacle for me. I have rather small bottom teeth, so the flat end of my labret piercing hits right at the top of my teeth. That makes things a bit more difficult.

This is a problem, because when most people chew, they tend to chew rather carelessly. Unfortunately this has become something I cannot do. Each bite I take is taken into careful consideration and slowly chewed as to not get carried away and snag my lip ring on my teeth… because that’s really not the coolest feeling in the world.

It really is the simple things in life that you realize…. Like who’d have thought I’d have to be so careful when I chew… and not even in that “I’m eating a bag of chips in class, I don’t want to crunch too loud” kind of careful.

Ah well, I look cute so I don’t care.

ABC as easy as 123.... or Not?

So I had my first court ordered counseling session which I lovingly refer to as the “Circle Jerk.” I went into this trying to be optimistic because lets be honest, I didn’t have control of my life at the time, and now I’m trying to regain control and look at everything with a positive aspect.

We talked about the ABC’s of Reality… which really is ABCDE of reality and how they effect situations. I’m going to try and remember all of them; it wasn’t a bad concept to think about so yes I did walk away from the thing with something new in my head. However, what I didn’t agree with was how the group was guided.

A = Activating Event: Something Happens. These Activating Events can bemajor: job loss, serious illness, death of a loved one, failing at somethingvery important. They can also be a series of minor annoyances that add-up over time: spilled coffee, broken shoelaces, a long line at the bank or grocery store. Activating Events always have something to do with your goals (what you want) being either aided or interfered with... They are always neutral (until B kicks in )

B = Beliefs: Thoughts, & Attitudes about "A" These Beliefs can be RATIONAL (Reality based, logical & self helping) and they can be IRRATIONAL (Demand & wishful thinking based, illogical and self-Defeating) This is also known as “Self-talk” What you tell yourself based on what you believe and know.

C = Consequences: The Emotions (Mad, Sad, Scared & Glad) and Behaviors that are the results of A (Activating Event) + B (Beliefs)

D = Disputes: Arguments against irrational beliefs

E = Effects: of the disputes. New emotions and behaviors that result from replacing irrational beliefs with rational ones.

An Example of this would be – A.) I forged a doctor’s signature on a letter so that I could get time off of work. B.) I did this because I felt that I needed the time off and would not get caught, even though I felt bad, I knew that it would be okay. C.) I was hurting so that over ruled my general thoughts and beliefs that say I shouldn’t do this. D.) I went back and forth between good and bad on which I should do. It’s the classic angel on your shoulder piece. E.) is what you decided to go with, generally not a good thing.

The point of the exercise was to use this process to think about your thinking, which often will help you avoid getting in a situation you don’t want to be by being irrational. It helps you rationalize your thoughts and clearly see the activating event as a neutral thing.

Like I said it wasn’t what we did because the concept and theory is quite good and it was something that sparked thoughts for me. What I had a problem with was how he (The Counselor) handled or facilitated the group session. His questions were very “court appointed” when going into a therapy session I have realized that as the facilitator you are supposed to be objective, not subjected to what people are sharing. It’s probably not a good idea to place blame but rather assist someone in the rationalization that they need to accept responsibility for their actions.

The facilitator also bothered me because he looked a lot like my step-father and it gave me the creeps. It was very hard for me to sit in the room and not instantly twitch from the memories in my life that haunt me.

I would like to get through my time in therapy relatively quickly with as little participation as possible. If they need me to cry a bit, I will just please, let this rip off quickly like a Band-Aid because the next 32 weeks I will be paying 20.00 every Sunday to participate in a therapy session lead by a guy that makes me convulse. In essence, I’m paying for a seizure… Not really all that fun.

Wow, You need a Full Length Mirror.

I hate pregnant girls that don’t take care of themselves and dress like slobs.

I’m sorry but sweat pants are not an acceptable means of clothing when your pregnant, freaking take care of yourself and dress as you would if you were not pregnant, they have cute pregnant clothe! I do have a lot of tangents to go off on. But it’s just that people irritate me.

I mean specially if you’re not all that attractive and you dress gross, that doesn’t help you. You know? Like Im a fat kid, but I dress fairly decently so I can play off what I do have. Boobs, a cute face, and personality... but ugly people who dress bad, its like uh... what do you have that’s good? Nada. John and I have come to the conclusion that people either a.) Do not own a mirror or b.) Don’t care. And I for one cannot understand how someone cannot care about their appearance. Seriously. These are the same people that are bitching about people not being interested in them. Maybe because they dress a step up from hobo on the street and sometimes it’s not even a step up. Personally, if I look like shit, I know it and Im freaking out because of it and want to go home or to a store so I can change.

So there is this girl at my work, who doesn’t give a crap what she looks like and it shows. She is NOT pretty and she has a shitty attitude and worse she’s pregnant and she’s over here talking about how she’s going to make sweatpants her wardrobe for the pregnancy and I’m like ... um... How about a brush, buy one of those. And maybe do your hair.. it looks nappy. She spends money on getting her nails and toes done, how about spend some money on clothes so you can dress yourself?

I’m not saying sweats are a bad thing at all; I just wouldn’t wear them outside of my house. When I go in public I dress well, I feel gross otherwise. Not saying everyone feels gross otherwise, they, in my opinion just look bad.

Dress as though you feel good about yourself. Not as though you are trying to overcome the plague. Just a thought.

This Emo moment brought to you by the Color Purple.

Is it weird that I can find a song to fit the moment? Any moment at all…So its really no wonder that as I’m sitting here in what I call “one of my moods.”

The song that I can find to fit the perfectly with how I’ve been feeling since the holidays are approaching is actually an Avril Lavigne song…

Nobody’s Home

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what’s wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
That's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
That's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
That's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

A lot of melancholy feelings about the Holidays coming up because I’m so used to being with family, I am used to the tradition. I’ve never truly spent a holiday alone before and ever since the Incident, I’ve felt very secluded from my family (with reason.) but very disappointed in myself.

I’ve been trying focusing my attention on work and trying not to let it bother me. I know the person I am, and I know how when I let things get to me, they take me down far. So I built these walls to distract me from myself and to guide myself into a happier life, but my walls are seemly breakable.

Today is a day of reckoning let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong

“I’ve died again/I'm going under/Drowning in you/I'm falling forever/I've got to break through/I'm going under/blurring and stirring the truth and the lies/so I don't know what's real and what's not/always confusing the thoughts in my head/so I can't trust myself anymore” – Evanescence (Going Under)

There used to be a time in my life when these lyrics would sting into me at how obviously they fit me. How much I distrusted myself and my ideas. How little confidence I had in myself and what I could do. There was also a time where I wouldn’t try for anything, I just sat hopelessly waiting.

I think a lot of my friendships suffered from this dark period in my life. With all the lies and deceit that consumed my daily life I couldn’t function as a person. There always has to be a turning point and I thought I hit it a while ago but I was wrong. I didn’t realize how truly wrong I was and it seemed that I wanted to start changing but I couldn’t figure out where I was to start. There were so many things in my life that I was not happy with, it was hard for me to find the breaking point, which said “look, you have to start here.” I was looking for that guiding hand to take me to where I wanted.

When I did hit the rock bottom, I realized what type of life I was living and how childish I truly was. I needed this to happen so that I could rebuild my life and cut ties that weren’t needed. To figure out whom I really was and what I really wanted. I needed that cold night to think and after the anger subsided, it was like I wanted to thank her.

It sound weird coming from my fingers or even my mouth that I would want to thank her because now for the next two years I am faced with my judgment day. Am I truly tough enough to take what has been thrown my way? Will I be able to straighten myself out so that I can live a life I can be happy about? I am now finally able to stop blaming others for the problems in my life and accept the things that have happened. I want to change the past, but I can’t. I can however change my future.

I saw a movie (A Walk to Remember) that once said, “Without suffering there would be no compassion.” I can’t help but think it fits me perfectly.

“Looking back on the things I’ve done, I was trying to be someone, I played my part, kept you in the dark, now let me show you the shape of my heart” I could say that to myself over and over….The reality of it.

It’s Independence Day.

Would you take my picture? Cause I wont Remember.

Creepy Tunnel Of Doom



This is a photo I took while at the All Souls Procession on Sunday November 5th. This is just an underpass for cars and walking but it was creepy and I liked the lines from the shadows.

All Of Me


This is a self portrait of me. The words and stars were added in Photoshop. The words are actually from an Evanescence song My Immortal I just like how the photo turned out.

Sorry for the Convenience

So in the bathroom, how come they feel the need to put "Provided by management for your convenience" on the toilet seat covers...Just random thoughts about that... Wouldn’t it be an INCONVENIENCE if someone got some crabs because they didn't provide sanitary places to piss?

Or are they trying to point out that they didn’t have to provide the seat covers and they are such noble souls for having done so. Or are they just factious bastards.

So yea, that was my random thought about that my story. I thought of this, while I was in the restroom avoiding the pointless training my job has subjected me to.....I didn’t have to pee, I was just pretending I did.. as I often do through out the day.

I also like the ‘reading material’ provided at Wal-mart about shop lifting... Something like…

"Stealing isn’t a joke, its not even a thrill (Mental note: it could be?) ... It is a crime that could end up haunting you for the rest of your life."

I love that last line, very intimidating, it’s like I can hear the guy that does all the movie announcing voice in my head as I read this.. It makes me giggle and reminds me of the time we (a friend of mine and I) stole a prom dress from a department store when I was in high school…That was kind of a thrill, and a joke all in one. And it was hilarious. Not to say I promote stealing at all because I don’t. And as an adult don’t do it. It just makes me giggle the stuff they put on signs these days.

Sometimes you just got to go a little crazy, steal a sweater... maybe even a highlighter from an un expecting auto shop who didn’t finish your tires on time...Hey, they deserved it! Take that. And to quote Dane Cook, "You remember me forever!"

*poof* and then it hit me

I had a writing spurt where it was just like *thwap* and I was off and typing...This is the product of an unexpected light.

Moonlit Goddess

Illuminated by the light of the moon,
Figure shadowed by moments past
Raven black hair arbitrarily spills,
Down porcelain shoulders.

Perched by window cove,
Legs tucked under delicate body,
As white waterfalls of her dress,
Billow over the sides of which she sits

Angelic figure in nature's light
Crimson lips turn up in smile.
Gazing forward, as if she knows
This secret held, in emerald eyes.

- The Graffito

I was born a writer

No one can pull anyone back from anywhere. You save yourself or you remain unsaved. - Alice Seabold

I started this entry with a quote from a book I read because in essence, its words I have started to try to live by. I used to think everyone would help me get where I want and it wasn’t until recently that I realized they won’t. I have to save myself…this relates to my writing a lot because of several reasons.

I was born a writer, but have come to grips with the fact that I may not be a good writer. Or maybe to me, I am not a good writer because I read others’ work and I’m in awe at the amazing talent and free flow some people have. It’s almost like what they do is effortless. Take my friend Jess for example. I could read anything she wrote, even if it was direction on how to make mince meat pie. It’s how she writes that amazes me. It’s the humor in it. I wish I had her talent.

Or John for another example, I didn’t think of him as much of a writer but I had the pleasure and honor of reading some things he wrote the other day and I was amazed at his ability to be the words. I could almost feel the emotions that were spilled into his words. It seemed so natural; the feelings were clearly scrawled out before me.

I know that writing will be something that will be a learning process for me for as long as I continue to do so. And as long as I continue to read and write, the better I will be. I know that I will have to seek the advice of others and take their constructive feed back without getting so down when they do, because it will only make me a stronger writer.

I may not be good, but what I love about my writing and about me is that I write not because it’s something to do, but because it’s who I am. I was born a writer. Its almost as though ink flows through my veins.

Writing through Time

Used to scribble stories,
Crayola colors were the tool
That blended colors on the page.
My chubby fingers held the power
Of my complicated mind.

And as I grew older
The pictures became words,
That transcribed the way I felt.
And the writing held the power,
Of a darker broken heart

But what happens when,
I can’t find the words;
To articulate the thoughts
Is it a loss of my existence?
Or a smoke screen in my head.
-The Graffito

If you give a Jess a cookie....

I sent This picture in an e-mail to my friend Jess… this was the e-mail conversations that followed. This is also why I love her.

Jess: Thanks for crashing my computer with that last email… that was super, thanks
Jennie: Really? Your computer sucks.
Jess: My Company’s bigger than yours. There’s no way our computers suck
Jennie: Your Company is not a TECHNOLOGY industry. Thank you. Yes, they can suck
Jess: My Company is a nationwide industry handling multimillion dollar accounts every moment. If our technology sucks, there’s a problem. “Oops, our system died, that wire transfer’s not going to go through."
Jennie: You don’t think we work with financial partners? Johns in the military, he saw it just fine. Musta been user error then?
Jess: User error?? ME??? How DARE you insinuate I might not be technologically savvy? I figured out how a gas can worked at 12:30 at night, sitting in an oil spot in the middle of a street, with a military man holding the flashlight for ME. HAH. Technologize THAT.
Jennie: Auto has nothing to do with computers…What’s a cache? Or Cookie? What do they do...And no cache isn’t a store in the mall... and a cookie isn’t something you eat. Well it is… but not when we're talking computers.
Jess: That took me a minute. I was like, wait, yes they are…
Jennie: LOL… yea you know your mind went straight to that.
Jess: Cache is a place to hold things… It’s where squirrels put their food... “I shop at Cache… it is too a store in the mall. Don’t tell me it’s a figment of my imagination. I started taking pills to prevent that”

Confessions of a FastTax Techie

So, with the new product being launched in mid-November, my company is getting ready to send out the automatic renewal customers the product, this weekend we began sending authorizations for charges. Authorizations. That is all; we have yet to charge anyone for the product, as it states in the e-mail “you will not be charged until the product actually ships. And yet Monday, while I was in training we were in queue. 600 calls waiting to be taken at 8:30 AM. Cancel training. We’re on the phones.

What you don’t understand is these people were sent eight, count it, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, and eight mailers since august telling them to either update or cancel their automatic renewal. So why, are they so shocked now? Even worse, these people SIGN UP for this.. (Read the small print people, read… the... small… print)

I’ve been stuck on e-mails to update customer information on the automatic renewals (and have done over time to do this for the past two days.) This is an actual e-mail I received from a customer. The only thing that has been changed is the name, to protect me and the innocent little moron who sent the e-mail.


Please do mot send me this product your company said i ordered it. I never order or set up auto renewal for this product. Please, do not mail me, I do not want to touch it, it any product comes to me, I will have to sue your company for mailing such products and taking money from my account for such product I do not order.

Plerase be advised.THanks,

Lamer McLamerson

Okay first of all, was he suffering from fat finger situation? Second of all, spell check… Learn it. Live it. Love it.

Thank you.

Also, I was unaware that this product was like slim that you hold it in such strong regards as to not even wanting to TOUCH it. Oh goodness, its toxic. Watch out.

And third of all, good luck suing because you can’t read, I’m sure that will hold up real strong. “But your honor, I can’t read!” Good Argument buddy, good Argument.

Could you take my picture? ‘Cuz I wont remember

So I guess I should break out the photo album and maybe even do a post relating to photography.

A little inside information on what started the photography craze inside of my soul.

I was standing on the beach in southern California and the sun was beginning to set. Each day we would wake up to clear skies and sunshine but upon sun setting the clouds would roll in. On this particular day, the sun was shinning through the clouds in what I now refer to as “God’s Light” because it gives me a very cathedral like feeling ::insert monks praying sound here:: With my handy dandy disposable camera, I snapped a picture.

Upon my return to Arizona, I developed the film from the trip. This among many other photos stood out in my brain. This was something I was born to do, or was I? I had always considered myself a writer so the thought that I had a talent for something other than writing never occurred to me, I gently shoved aside my photography desires and continued with my writing interest, focusing very heavily on these goals.

It wouldn’t be until a year later that the photography flame was ignited again when I snapped this picture of my best friend Ashley (See below.) Something about the dept to this pictures the clouds and the desolate background to where she stood. From this photograph the flame was ignited once more. I spent the next 4 years trying to convince my grandmother to buy me a digital camera from my birthday. Until then I continued my ventures with all of the disposable cameras I had, trying to be creative in the photos I took. I was 17 at the time.



It wasn’t until I was 21 that my grandmother FINALLY heard my wishes and for Christmas I received a digital camera. After two months of using my Fuji FinePix 350,I upgraded to the Fuji FinePix S5200… I have since done 3 independent photo shoots with friends and 1 paid wedding.

The first picture ant the last pictures are of my good friend Kat. They are from a recent “Fallen Angel” shoot I did with her in a local grave yard here in Tucson, Arizona.



I was told I had “an eye for photography” what do you think?

I'll have whatever you have come on, just give it up girl

The beat was pumping; the groove was strong, bodies pressed against one another. In their skimpy skirts and revealing shirts, the girls of the night were dressed to kill. Well, except for maybe that weird guy in the corner with the facial hair who kept twitching occasionally as he sipped his drink quietly and gawked… awkward.

Okay so maybe not everyone was dressed to kill.

Let’s see if I can paint a picture for you. I’m a slightly overweight…....okay moderately overweight…... alright I’m a fat kid who’s very insecure in a club/bar setting. So instead of slipping into the tightest clothes possible...

Oh you all know the story, overweight girl squeezes into skirt she shouldn’t be wearing that’s about 4 inches from her kooter with cellulite thighs jiggling when she walks and a top that exposes the flabby arms (that’s she also shouldn’t be wearing.) Yeah, that story. Are you repulsed yet? I am.

But not me, no, I wore a long sleeved knit charcoal sweater that buttoned with 3 buttons into a V-neck, under I was wearing a tank top with bra built in (no really, there’s like a bra sewn into the tank top) and then another tank top over it. A pair of jeans, and combat boots, yes I wore combat boots to a club, where usually you’re supposed to dress to impress and by guidelines that mean you are not supposed to be even remotely comfortable. I was.

My first drink of the night was a shot of Jager. First of all, that drinks taste like black licorice. Have I mentioned I absolutely despise black licorice? So drink one was followed by drink 2, because obviously 2 follows 1… Blow job, which I was then handed black label whiskey, which I drank… and liked. Followed by another shot of Jager and then sex on the beach… this coming from the girl who had one Chocolate Martini got tipsy a few days ago?

So after this I was feeling… That whoever decided to put stairs in a bar was a fucking moron… Then one of my friends decided pouring beer down my shirt would be good. So I smelled of beer and my cleavage was sticky… How’s that for dressed to impress?

So the beat was strong, and for the first 10 minutes I felt out of place and lost, after the third drink I was feeling a bit better, the 4 drink was awesome. But I do need to learn to grow some balls and tell people to move. Because squeaking, “excuse me” isn’t going to get people out of my way.

Ode to my customers who took the Stupid Pill

I guess I should back up a bit and give a little explanation of where exactly I work. I work for a Company that assists with the tax filing. It's product is an actual tax filing program. For the purpose of this demonstration we’ll call it… FastTax...

The following are mostly true events; well they were the dialogue I created after experiences very similar, if not identical to what happens below. I got a good laugh out of it, figured I could share it.

Its funny how placing a customer on hold when they cannot get the correct information for you turns on a light bulb in their head.

Me: "May I have your account number, it should be located on the letter you received" Customer: "I cant find it"
Me(pauses, looks irritated): "Let me place you on hold while I research the account a bit further"
::Customer Placed on hold::
Me(after a 2 minutes of hold time): "Thank you for holding, I apologize for the delay"
Customer: "I found the account number"
Me (Thinks to self, I knew you would): Excellent what is it?

Same conversation (updating credit card number)

Me: I am ready for your new credit card number
Customer: Do you want me to read it to you?
Me: (to self) No, I aced my mind reading class, is it :: mumbles some number::
Me (for real this time in a sugary sweet voice.): Yes, please.

The following below didn’t actually happen… well... in my head it did.

Me: "I'm sorry Mr. Customer, are you retarded? No this is a serious question, do you suffer from mental disabilities that would enable you to function and think as a normal person?" Customer: Uh, no...
Me: Are you sure? You could probably get a tax cut for it.... Think about that for a second. I'll hold.

I need a price check on my sanity....

So there are a few things in my life that irritate the crap out of me… Work is one of them. I dream of being paid to be me… I’d like being able to just go around take pictures, set my own schedule. Does anyone know where I can find someone rich that wants to support my photography habit and me?

So anyway, that dream is a little bit out of my reach for now, so… I guess I just have these little stories to share as I move slowly, and by slowly I mean at a complete stop towards this dream…

Being a technical support agent is both mind-numbing and hysterical… but only because the job drives you to drink… That’s when it becomes funny...Our motto “Drink till you can’t feel what’s wrong.”

This is just one customer experience, I’m pretty sure there will be more.

It’s really bad when you have customers whose chairs are smarter than they are.

Example 1: The customer moved a folder from his My Documents to his Desktop.... So what's different?

This is what a path file location might look like...

C:/Documents and Settings/Jennie/My Documents/FastTax/ Jennie.tax

C:/Desktop/FastTax/Jennie.tax They have different FILE paths...

::bangs head against desk::

A program has to follow a certain file path. if you MOVE the folder that the program is used to following the computer goes "Wha? Where did it go? It’s gone!”::gasp::

Then it gives you an error message. In order to FIX that, you must tell the program, where the new file location is, by opening it....

Analogy I gave the Customer...

Your front door, you walk out it the same way every time.

One day you decide that you don't like where your front door is, so you remodel your house and move the location of your door and fill in the old spot with a wall.

So then that One day you forget you moved the door and go to walk out it where it used to be, but you cant, instead you walk face first into a wall... You say ouch, and your brain goes "oh, you moved the door, where did you move it" and then you tell your body to go where the new door is and you are able to exit your house.

He STILL did not understand the concept.......

I was telling a friend of this and he said, "Scares you to continue living, huh? For fear they might "infect" you ... as in "28 days later'"

To which my finally words are....

Get it off get it off its sucking my will to live! (Thank you Waynes world... Thank you Garth)

Why do I read the writing on the wall

Well, this is probably my third bloging site…I decided this was going to be for a select few of my friends. The idea came to me yesterday while I was at work… I had a Trapt song stuck in my head, just a bit of it “Why do I read the writing on the wall"

And I decided that too often in life I don’t read the writing on the wall. By this I mean I don’t write enough thoughts that are random, I always have a set purpose for the other blogs I have instead of posting the random poetry, writing tidbits, quotes, ideas, and photos.

This is going to be the place for me to do so. With out any further “ado”, My First Post…

I can't explain what happened that day. All I know is things changed. The wind seemed the blow colder, nipping at my cheeks. If I had any tears left to cry, I'm almost positive they would have frozen to the rose petal red cheeks I had that December morning.

I balled my fist, my instinct wanted to strike him, knock him to the ground just to be able to see him finally fall. I wanted to get the rage away from me. To release the furry I had never felt so strong in my life.

I looked into his icy blue eyes. He was distant, almost vacant. My own brown eyes seemed to bleed into him. He had all of me. He was the only one who could make me crumble with very few words. The only one who could bandage the wounds.

It amazed me; the power he had.