I'm looking through you, where did you go?

My time in Tucson flew by way too quickly. It seems like just a few hours ago i was standing in the hotel in Houston cursing the airline that made me miss the last flight out to Tucson, and now here I am approaching my departure from the city of which I was born.

It was a mixed feelings visit for me. I had a great time seeing all of my friends and family. I mean great time. You really have to not be around them constantly to appreciate what they offer. And boy to I appreciate them all. Some people I wasn’t able to get together with as times were pressing, but they certainly were not forgotten.

Unfortunately, I got hit with a sever stomach virus that left me feeling immobile and defenseless. Now, having successfully purged the contents of my stomach, i can re fill it for whatever this stomach virus wants to do.... hopefully the worst has already come and it’ll be smooth sailing from here on out. (I know that you guys wanted to know that I was sick in such graphic detail.)

And with this trip I have a greater understanding of what I need to do to make it. I have a new found passion for working towards being happy with myself inside and out. It’s given me goals and things to look forward to.

My grandma was certainly missed this holiday season as she just loved our Christmas Eve traditions, and while it didn’t hit me that night, it did creep into my mind and wake me feeling slightly empty and sad. I know that this is only the first of many Christmas’s to come, but I hope that this is the only one that cuts as deep as it has.

Hope everyone had a great holiday and that their new year is filled with love & happiness.

"You don't look different but you have changed, I'm looking through you, you're not the same" - The Beatles

Some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids.

I’m all for naming your child whatever you want to, with in reason. Have some fucking decency before you start naming your children awkward things because you want them to stand out. While I hate my name because its very common, I’m not going to go on this weird name scheme.

I see it a lot with famous people, Gweneth Paltro named her Daughter Apple, Tom and Katie Cruise and Suri. It’d ridiculous what people name their kids because of their own fucking ego. They don’t realize the long life of hell that child has in front of them and are blinded by their own wants and desires to not take some time to think “How badly is this going to fuck my child over?”

Well, a family in NJ has topped the list of Fucked up names to give your child. When I think about naming my child in memory of someone, I want it to be a strong name, that doesn’t inflict pain on others. So, Yea, I’ll go with Adolph Hitler. Thats right, their 3-year-old son’s name is Adolph Hitler Campbell, and he has siblings with equally as awkward names, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell turns 2 in a few months and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell will be 1 in April. Aryan Nation? Seriously? You guys are awesome parents.

And, here’s the kicker, this family got pissed off because a local supermarket wouldn’t put “Happy Birthday Adolph Hitler” on his birthday cake. While the supermarket did say they reserved the right to not put that on their but would leave space for the family to write their own inscription this is just not tolerable to these fine upstanding citizens. They just can’t believe that this supermarket wouldn’t give this 3-year-old a cake.

You can read the article here.

But can I just say that in my personal opinion these parents have issues, and they are pushing their issues onto their children and if they truly were good parents they would think about the consequences of their actions before naming their kids names that are guaranteed to have them singled out and teased quite a bit in school. They obviously were only thinking of themselves when they named their kids, and that is what makes them TERRIBLE parents in my book. Selfish pricks.

I’m clinging to the love I found at the bottom of a well, in hell

"Soon as I hit the pavement I could see straight. The rocks in the concrete made a beautiful shape. A voice out of nowhere lit a match in the dark and the blood on my face kind of looked like a heart."

I can’t help but think I’ve fucked up in the past few years with the choices I’ve made. They always seem like the smart idea at the time. But then it seems that later on I discover that the choices I made were stupid.

I feel like every choice I’ve ever mad was a stupid one. Just another step in being the fuck up that I tend to be. And I don’t want to feel like that and I have been trying to get out of it.

The problems that have come up lately, are really making me on edge. I don’t feel comfortable in the place that I live in that I know that people would prefer if I wasn’t here. Its not something they have outwardly expressed to me, but rather this very cold vibe that I have been getting.

I wasn’t supposed to even be here this long it was really supposed to be a jumping off point for me but it turned into a sit and fumble around point. Since I got laid off, things have really come to a halt. I thought I was getting somewhere and I was really excited because I was looking for my own place, and now I’m back at square one.

Looking back If I hadn’t moved to NJ, realistically, I would still have a solid good job at a company that I adored. But I moved here hoping I would find the same type of place here. A place that made me feel good when I woke up and went to work. Sure I had my crap days, but for the most part, I didn’t mind going to work. I looked forward to it because it harnessed my skills well. It gave me the opportunity to grow and see the potential I truly had instead of leaving me feeling awkward and fumbling.

But I left that behind for an adventure. For opportunity, and I have had a lot of opportunity. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for all that has been given up for me to make the move here. The space that has been invaded, the time given to help me. The great deal on a car that I got. I would never really have had that had I not made the decision to move. So, no not everything sucks. But the parts that seem to matter in my moving forward and being able to stay afloat sure have knocked me off my feet.

I’m trying to remain positive, but I can’t help but think that perhaps I shot myself in the foot. I can’t move back because I risk the fall and the cowardly tail between my legs syndrome from all those who said I wouldn’t make it. I can make it, I know I can.... I just don’t feel like I can stay here either.

Its a tough situation and I’m really trying to find the comfort that I need, but I seem to have closed up quite a bit in the past month. I’ve started to only show 1/3 of what’s truly there. Which is not a good thing, but its all I feel I can do right now. I don’t have the strength to fight about it, to talk about it, I don’t have the heart to feel the pain that I’ve felt most recently for being me.

Make a list of Pro’s and Cons...


Tucson
Pro - Friends, Family, knowing, a job
Con - Its boring, its hot, its known, not diversified.

Jersey
Pro - NYC, East Coast, Colleges, Independence, Travel opportunity.
Cons - Feeling helpless, jobless, Lack of Family, Lack of a lot of friends.

The Pro’s are in the favor of New Jersey, but the problem is I need funds to see those pro’s through and being without a job leaves me feeling helpless.

And you know, its not just the job. I feel pretty alone, even though I live with two people. I feel pretty lost, even though there’s a clear path before me.

I feel my faith in myself slowly fading.....

“I’m clinging to the love I found at the bottom of a well, in hell. Anywhere that I could be, Love is going to get to me.”

All you had to do is pay some attention

Its strange to think that the world as I once knew it will never be the same. I used to dread the holidays. I was worried about how I would react to things that would be said and even more so, what would be said.

I feared gathering with my family because of the arguments. And yet, as I sit here on the eve before Thanksgiving, I realize I miss my family. Even if we did argue.... I miss knowing that there was a place that felt like home.

I miss watching my nephews run around or having Jeremiah babble at great lengths about nothing at all. And I miss the smells that would becoming from the kitchen. And how there would be 4 (to 5 cars) parked outside of her house. And she would be screaming for someone to come help (And usually it was me.) I guess she inadvertently made me feel useful and wanted. Even if it did piss me off at the time. I miss the smell of the pine trees, and the warmth of the fire.

Nothing feels like home anymore. It feels like I’m walking blindly in the world with no where to go that has the comforts of the known.

My grandma’s house was always home for me. It was always a place for me to go... My heart feels homeless and lonely.... is it always going to feel like this?

On the positive side, I am cooking the “sides” for Thanksgiving this year. Jake is deep frying a Turkey (I hear its good, but I’m still skeptical.) And I am preparing mashed potatoes, dressing, Sweet Potatoes (Yams), and Green Jello (My family style) and hopefully it doesn’t taste like ass. Though, it only seems like 1/4th of what I’m used to it’s going to be quite a bit of food. And I’m glad I wont be spending thanksgiving working.... at least I’ll have one friend around and that is good enough for me.

After tomorrow I can officially commence listening to Christmas music without feeling ridiculous....

I fuckin Rule.

So, in my unemployment I've been trying to not eat food, instead when I feel like I'm hungry, I just make something and then hope my roommates will eat it.

Well I've been wanting to make a Pineapple upside down cake for some time now but was always afraid to do it because I didn't think it would turn out.

I fucking rule.



Now hopefully it tastes good too!

Yay me.

I'm a regular Suzi-fuckin-Homemaker!

I'd be an awesome mom!

I got fired, so I wrote a letter and sent it.

Some of you might have seen the letter I had drawn up. This is the finished draft that I mailed out today. I included my letter of recommendation from my previous employer.

November 21, 2008
Zenya Gallagher
HR Director
Saveology
901 Hadley
South Plainfield, NJ 07080

Dear Zenya Gallagher,

On November 19, 2008 my employment ties were severed with Saveology, however I feel that why I was terminated was rather unprofessional nor was it true to the value statements presented by the company at the time of employment.

When hired I was told that there was constant training and support for representatives on the floor. With that being said, my employment was terminated because of "Low Sales Rates." This termination was premature as I had not had any coaching on the matter before severance. Had there been coaching for the sales being low, I would have known where I stood and worked diligently to improve. One can only assume that if no one speaks to them in regards to how their calls are being taken that there is not a problem and the employee should continue what they are doing.

It has been my experience that in order for agents to grow and become strong sales individuals it does take coaching and time. During my time at Saveology, I was only approached on Monday, November 17, 2008 in regards to actions I took on a call. I felt that I was doing the right thing by connecting the costumer to the AT&T client, however was later notified that my actions were incorrect. Having this knowledge I then took the steps necessary to not make this mistake again. However, this was part of what was determined as my termination. And again, had I been given proper instruction as to what areas I needed into improve on I could have taken the appropriate steps to improve.

It was then stated during my termination that I had made a "snarky" comment towards Mr. Walsh and that I "had better think about the way I acted because no company would appreciate an employee like me" I feel that this statement was made in the most unprofessional manner possible. I did by no means make any "snarky" comments towards Mr. Walsh and had anything I said offended him it should have been brought to my attention at the time instead of having two days pass before which resulted in being told that I wasn't a fit employee. Which leads me to believe that perhaps my termination was out of malice. As an employee, I arrived on time and did what I was told to do. In Mr. Walsh's statement he made me think that perhaps I was unethical and unfit person to be employed. If that were the case I would not have the recommendations that I do as evident in the letter that I have included. His statement was just a bitter attempt to gain a smug sense of superiority. It was harassment. I have never left a place feeling so completely wronged both professionally and mentally.

Having been terminated from the position I feel that I was not a valuable asset to the company as so heavily stated during training. It would seem that the company is capitalizing on the economic crisis where individuals are doing what they can and taking jobs that they would not take as distinctly clear with several highly over qualified candidates that are currently working there.

If this is a company that relies so heavily upon reputation as they push in the customer service aspects, Saveology falls short of its own expectations.

This letter is not to ask for my position back as I have no intentions of working for a company that proves itself to be dishonest and unfair. It is to draw attention to serious matters that ultimately could result in much further action than a letter.

Sincerely yours,


JENNIFER C*******

Move me Round the sun, around...

So I just strolled in from a VERY rainy night in the city. This is an experience I've never felt before and I loved it. I mean I’ve experienced the sprinkling here and there, but not so much the torrential downpour. Sure it was cold once I got into the building and my shirt was clinging to me in an unpleasant way. (But I'll be damned if the little kid in me wasn't twirling around having a ball.)

I went to go see a band that I knew from Tucson called Ryanhood (an acoustic duo) and the show was bad ass, but my groupie skills were good as they still knew who I was when I showed up. It was a quiet little thing, very coffee/poetry house kind of setting. It was unlike any show I've ever been too and probably on the list of favorites for me.



They were fantastic and when Born To Run To You played it made my heart leap. I love that song and actually think if I ever get married it will be the song I dance to. It really does make me smile.

All in all the day was drab, but the night made up for it. I love any time I go into the city. Tonight just made it all the more better because I got to see Ryanhood play somewhere that wasn’t Tucson. It was an incredible feeling. And I should have videos posted on my myspace soon. I didn’t take that many pictures this time.

Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds

I've been trying to be on the positive side about everything that's been heading my way. There are a lot of things I have to be grateful for, and yet I always seem to mull over the things I don't have.

Mostly, I've just been upset about my job. It really hit me hard to be back in a call center, but its what I know. No one wants to hire someone inexperienced for a position especially with all the highly qualified candidates that are out of jobs due to our failing economy. In fact, I should be thankful I even found a job. And I am. I just don't work well in a call center atmosphere. Its too "watching you like a hawk." And I have noticed that I thrive better in places that know I'm capable and allow me to do my job without putting the pressure of watching my every move. But, I have a job it pays decent. And quite frankly my life does not suck.

I have however recently received a blow from a close friend and that in and of itself has rendered me speechless. Its not often that a person will come out and lay my faults on the table for me to see. I can't say I welcome it because lets be honest no one ever wants to hear that how they function is bad, especially if those words come from someone they admire quite a bit.

My biggest problem is I'm apparently too negative. I focus on what's bad instead of what's good. This is something I've always known and I know its due to that horrible sin that is known as envy. It's also part of my never ending search for perfect. What I don't realize is perfection is never going to happen. Or maybe I do realize it, but I choose not to concede.

The strange thing about being told I'm too negative is that I always seem to be telling others to remain positive. In certain situations I allow people to see all of me and I'm afraid that has given certain people the impression that I'm negative. It seems that I wear a mask around others to hide what is truly there. However, one might agree that its necessary to function each day with a certain degree of protection. This is where my masks come in. But that is only a reason, its not an excuse.

I have no excuse for why I have behaved the way I have nor do I want to make excuses for my actions. I just know that I would not and do not want to be looked at as a negative person.

Moving to New Jersey was one of my better decisions. I could not be more happy with an area. There's so much to learn and so much to see. I love that everything moves at a little bit faster pace. I wake up each morning and think "yes, I've finally gotten to where I've dreamed." I say this because I can hop in my car and drive 20 minutes and be standing with my hands against rails feeling a breeze from the Hudson while waves lap against rock and there before me is my city. With jutting buildings reaching towards heavens. It makes me feel like a child. The excitement pumping through my veins not knowing what path to choose. And if someone looked at me in that exact moment they'd see the contentment, a sparkle in my eyes, because something I've always wanted is a Ferrie/Bridge/train ride away.

And I think that when I find myself falling into a slump and I begin to think of how I miss my friends and I feel so lonely for putting myself here. I know that I did it because I finally decided to think about myself and where I wanted to be. This time I didn't hold back because I feared the unknown. This time I didn't hold back because I feared what others would say. And this time I didn't hold back because I couldn't leave my friends. Because this time I knew that it would be okay. And that my friends would always be there when things seem to fall.
.
.
.

I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines, been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds. I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind. Would the wind be at my back ? Could I get you off my mind....This time.

Poetry and other musings.

Faded

In front of you,
an image there.
Near to you,
with faults her own
yet, like the air
you just see past
Standing before you,
she's shattered glass.

What restrains you of
that moment’s memory
part of the past,
A hiccup on the map.
Juvenile games
quickly sliced
your fragile mind.

And in those moments
you hold so high
she’ll wait no longer
as time slips by.
Guilted by stained decisions,
no longer with,
she's dreams envisioned.


-----

In other news, I'm dealing with work.

The end.

The Point of this story....

I think to be able to clearly illustrate the type of crap I go through every day I should leave you all with a story.

The company I work for sells Dish Network. On it they have a package called..BabyFirstTV. Below is the same information I saw on it as I heard a story...

BabyFirstTV is the nation’s first and only channel for babies and toddlers.

* Enriching, delightful content for children 6 months to 3 years
* Commercial-free, 24-hour programming
* On-screen, interactive subtitles to help parents foster baby’s development
* Supported by child development experts
* All this for only $4.99/mo. That’s less than the price of a single baby DVD!

The story is as follows (Straight from the trainers mouth):

"My daughter is a professional flutist and only babysits for two people now. One are the Jones* (names changed to protect the innocent) and she babysits them because we've known them for quite some time, Barbara* is my financial adviser. The other family is the Wycoffs, she babysits for them because we've know them for a while too and they're having marital problems so my daughter watches them their children while they go to marriage counseling. Those are the only people she babysits for. The point is that BabyFirstTV is a very popular package choice for people with families."

Can anyone point out the relevancy of that story? And furthermore, the 20-30 seconds that it took for you to read it, took 5 minutes to tell....

Ladies and Gentlemen, that is 5 minutes of my life I cannot give back.

The point of this story is, I like ice cream.

The Sega Continues....

Work sucked just as much as yesterday.

Am convinced that Eeyore/Mr. Magoo may in fact be mentally retarded.

My ass went numb on several occasions and wearing my sexy "Slut Boots" which stunt doubles as professional wear when paired with a black skirt because it then becomes Tres Chic (put the lil squiggle above chic with your eyes so so it makes it pronounced She-eek!) Anyway, I think because I wore said boots I developed a cramp in my upper calf and now it hurts to walk.

I'm getting this Quasimodo vibe from myself.

I'm also convinced that my Trainer is president and founder of his own Fan club. As Jeremy suggested, I'm contemplating getting him a button with his own picture on it so he can wear it.

Lame.

Holy Fuck, what did I just sign up for...

Always the one to be pessimistically upbeat.. is that even possible? Sure is. I can say “I”m so SCREWED!” with a smile and an chirpy tone. And that is what makes me pessimistically upbeat. Because I know that when I take it in the ass from this company, its going to hurt, and they aren’t going to use lube. And I’ll be left feeling like a cheap date where they flop their corporate dick out and throw a twenty at me.

Yea. Thanks.

I started my first day at work today. On one hands I feel lucky to even have a job. With the crashing economy and the fight to stay afloat its getting harder for Americans to stay afloat.

On the other hand, in all of my 5-6 years of working in a call center environment, I have never once had a company completely turn me off within the first day. Usually I become pumped and excited about working for the company like they are offering me a chance of a life time.

This is not one of those times.

Strike One - The trainer repeats himself a lot. I know you may be thinking, sometimes the material has to be repeated so that people who are slower catch on. No, this repetition has NOTHING to do with classroom material. If I have to hear about how he doesn’t like sports because “they took away all his toys.” First of all, who are they, second of all... No on cares. You suck. Shut up. Ego is always appreciated and allowed in small doses. Please do not suffocate us with your pompous bullshit.

Strike Two - He talks too much. Not like “wow this guy can talk.” More like “oh god, my brain is about to hemorrhage if he doesn’t shut up, please stop it hurts...” and then he doesn’t. I have ADD, but I can generally tame my shit with something shiny or sweet. (Yay Charms Blow Pops!) He makes it hard for even the most focused person to pay attention.

Strike Three - We are not your therapist, you are not paying is thousands of dollars to listen to you reminisce about your World War II days. I don’t care that you’re from Brooklyn, I don’t care that you married a “Jersey Girl.” I don’t care who recently passed in your family and I don’t care what your kids do. I don’t care about your mental anguish, I’m here to learn the material and make some money. Fucking get on with it already!

Its not even just the trainer, the company itself has nothing about it that screams “WORK FOR THIS COMPANY!” I’m mildly pissed off that instead of finding a bigger location, they’re downsizing the working areas. First of all, when I was in the center for my interview the place looked like the sweatshop of call centers. I”m used to the cubical look. However, this place had enough space for each person to just barely put their elbows out 3 inches from their sides. And they are reducing the space to add more places for reps to work because they are multiplying.

On a good note, it has been a place for me to catch up on my people watching skills. Dear god, I never knew that black guys and Mr. Magoo-looking-white guys are the biggest whiny bitches I have EVER... I mean EVER dealt with.

We’re currently having training at a hotel as you’ll never guess it, but the training room at the center, is too small to house the 32 some-odd employees that they hired. The hotel lobby as one bathroom, so heaven forbid you have to WAIT for someone to use the restroom. I’m standing against the wall waiting patiently for the restroom when Mr. Magoo, who, by the way sounds like Eeyore. Comes up and huffs, “Oh this is just ridiculous!” paces in about a 3 square foot area for about 3 seconds, then storms off. Then, a rather large black fellow who I have already previously judge as “The Big Guy who can’t dress himself with the homely-looking girlfriend who doesn’t realize that the slit in her skirt is supposed to be in the back,” Does a similar thing. I chalk it up to one more thing that I dislike about both of these guys. Patience. Get some.

When I get back to training after the break, Mr. Ego (The Trainer) starts apologizing profusely because Hampton Inn is not providing them with more than one bathroom and apparently that's just ridiculous. Is it? I’m curious to know how many times they hold large conferences of people who seem to have been picked from the streets of Harlem.

And on that note, the Breakfast is for guest of the hotel. Not because you are hungry and don’t want to go get your own food or bring it in. I saw this one guy, We’ll call him “Fucktard” as I have not other name to provide him because it makes my eye twitch just thinking about him. He also cannot dress himself and when our first break rolls around I watch him snarf down enough food to feed an African Village. About this time, I watch as 2-3 hotel representative swoop in and start clearing the food area like their life depends on it, stating to myself and a friend who are standing near by discussing which is worse, a bullet to the foot or this training class; “Breakfast is closed.” and I think, well that's just swell - might want to tell that to the Village people who just snatched that up like it up like it was a k-mart special.

Having not been raised by a pack of wolfs I can clearly see how the Continental breakfast was set out for hotel guest that paid the 100-200.00 to stay the night. Not the group of people who seem to have not eaten for the past 12 days.

In a way, I should feel bad, because these are hard times my friends and many of these people may not have had a job in a while. Perhaps they are low on food and this job is a godsend. But, I’m pretty sure that's no excuse for the barbaric and rude behavior. And I think I saw the Fucktard manage to mash a muffin into his pocket. Oh good, he's saving it for later.

I was so excited to have gotten a job and I wanted that feeling to continue but I can’t seem to muster up the courage to walk back into that place and smile, ready to have more bullshit spooned into my mouth. Because frankly, this job taste like stale cereal with rotted milk.

I guess I was just spoiled by a company that actually cared about its employees.

Ugh, I have to repeat this tomorrow!

I was Born to Fly

I guess I should have an update of what’s going on (if anyones really keeping track.)

I’ve landed a job that I start Oct. 13th it’ll be a night job anywhere from 12PM-8PM, 2-10PM, or 4PM-12AM... Depends on what they give me. I’m really open for any of those schedules. The best part is its not too far from where I’m at, 25 minute drive tops (with traffic.) And it pays 12/hour - which isn’t that much out in jersey however since its a sales job and the sales are almost guaranteed, It will probably come out to 15+/hour. Roughly. We shall see. Its a call center too... and inbound calls, not outbound.

Things are falling into place here and I’m really excited about that. I’m going to a backstreet boys concert on Oct. 31st (Halloween) by myself, and I am okay with this... I think.

Things are good. I’m happy... which is rare.

So YAY!

I've Got a Camera Tucked Away inside my heart...

My birthday was a lot of fun. I went on a boat tour of the NY harbor and saw all 4 waterfalls that are currently on exhibit by artist Olafur Eliasson. The neat part is this is a temporary exhibit that will only be up until Columbus Day, so I was rather excited that I got to see them. It's like a new door opened up for me.

We also went to Little Italy which was swarmed with people. I love people, but dear god I have never been touched by that many people in my entire life. While Jake had planned to take me to an Italian restaurant, it was just too crowded for my taste so (15 blocks or so later) we found ourselves in the East Village.

I wanted Chinese food (Which is typical) and being that Little Italy is just near Chinatown Jake hassled me about not opting to pipe in about the want for Chinese food until after we had entered the East Village.

We checked out a couple Thai places, but settled on this Mediterranean restaurant on the corner of 7th and 2nd Ave, Virage. I had a spinach linguine and chicken dish while Jake opted for the seafood pasta dish. They both were really good, however it took forever to get our food as one of their stoves had broke.

Anyway, my 24th Birthday was a huge success and I had a wonderful time. Here are a few pictures from the Harbor tour.

Standing On Liberty Island


Tucked Away Inside My Heart


Sail My Vessle


Brooklyn Bridge Waterfall


In other news, one of Jake's students was selling a car and within the next two days I will be the proud owner of a 2000 Mitsubishi Eclipse which looks a lot like this (Color and all)



I got it for a steal.

Things are looking decent, I'm still concerned about not getting a job but I am trying to remain positive. We shall see how the story unfolds.

Do it now because it was your birthday...

First of all, my buddy pgnbladn Did this so, I'm following the trend....

Take a picture of yourself, right now. Post it, completely unedited. Do it.

Don't fix your hair, don't change your clothes.



So yesterday was my birthday it started out really good when Jake took me to view the City from a view point I had never seen before. It was so awesome, cold... but awesome... But then it got even better (I know, what could be better) I get a call around 10 AM and someone has sent me flowers, who, Well my best friend Ashley from back in AZ - she got me flowers for my birthday and I'll tell you, that was what set the mood for my Birthday. I was expecting it to suck, but it was awesome and I think Its mostly because of those flowers.



I also had a "job interview" which when they called me for it, I was under the impression that it was going to be for a call center type place - which I was excited for. However, it was not. It had to do with door to door "sales" of sorts. No Thank you. Which means I wasted the good hair and cute look on that stupid interview, but at least I looked good on my birthday....

Having said that, my friend Jake has 3 things planned for me since he wasnt really available yesterday for my birthday. I'm not sure what they are, but I know that we're doing things 2 & 3 tonight (In about an hour and a half) and I think they involve the city.... So....

It should be interesting. I'm excited.

Adventures in the City that Never sleeps.

I was on a quest to go to a adult store because I had yet to check “buy a porn” off my list of things to do when I turned 18.

First, we looked up 24-hour places in NJ and the one that we found turned out to be just an online store, that's apparently run from a really nice house up in the hills... we found this out when the GPS took us to the middle of a residential neighborhood... This could not be the store.

So, after that minor set back and 9.00 in tolls later, we head into the city...

Alright, so I’m nearing 24 and I finally accomplished said goal. I should feel so proud. However, the highlight of my night was the 2 seconds or so that it took to walk through a crowd of 30-40 gay guys and Drag Queens at 3 AM.... Only in NYC and it was like my life was slightly complete.

Can I just also say that even at two or three AM in NYC is it filled with the most amazingly different smells. Stores are still open, restaurants still producing enticing aromas. Oh it was fantastic. And, for my 3rd trip in the city I finally had my first piece of actual New York style pizza, it was fantastic. and New York Cheesecake.... aweeesome.

I’m so glad I moved to New Jersey....because I can say "Oh I want to do something" and be in the city within 20 minutes (Like, in Manhattan) and there still be things to do. This is where I need to be and I finally feel like I belong somewhere.

She's Leaving home after living alone for so long...

I’ve got about 48 hours before I make my life altering flight to a “new” life in New Jersey. I have to say, through the past couple of weeks I have been thinking a lot about my decision to make the move.

I know in part that I am upsetting my family in doing this venture so quickly without much time to prepare, however this isn’t something I have been thinking about just recently, in fact its something I’ve wanted for quite some time now. Only now is it becoming a reality for me.

While thinking about all the choices I have made in my past, both good and bad I wish I could assure my family that I have never felt so confident in a decision in my life. And I know that the road ahead means there will be quite a few battles but there isn’t anything that life can throw at me that I wont be able to handle, I’ve survived thus far.

On the other hand, I feel a bit guilty for finally standing up and saying “I am going to live my life.” Because I have always had my choices extremely swayed by family members in that I did certain things because I knew it was what they wanted.

I am extremely co-dependent and I feel like this move will make me step away from the comfort zone that I have found and find out who I really am. As of late I have been questioning myself and the very core that I stand for.

I am thankful for the people who got me this far, a list that is long; but now it is time for me to take that leap and learn to fly.

The pain that grips you, The fear that binds you

"You hold the answers deep within your own mind.
Consciously, you've forgotten it.
That's the way the human mind works.
Whenever something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us
to entertain, we reject it.
We erase it from our memories.
But the answer is always there."

I feel like I just had the wind knocked out of me...

For those of you who are semi close to me (or as close to me as I let you get.) You’ll know that its very hard for me to trust people, in fact, very few people do I trust with anything. More specifically it seems to be a trend that I single out a person and make them the barer of all my trust, or a good portion of it.

After talking with that person tonight, I realized a few things...

One - I have no idea what I want out of life. And thats very strange for me to say because I’ve always been pretty good at having an idea of what I wanted of course these things would change from time to time, but I attributed to the fact that I took from others and built an imaginary life of my own, with chunks of people inside of it. A filtering system if you will.

Two - I am very unlovable, because I don’t love myself. Lets face it, that is obvious by the way I look because what person who loved themselves would ever let themselves get to the way I am? There are reasons for my lack of love many of them from years of brash statements, but if I were as strong as I say I am, I wouldn’t allow these harsh words to effect me. They have and I hate myself for it.

Three - I carry way too much guilt on my shoulders. I feel guilty for being born, I feel guilty for the choices I make in effort to find the path that makes me happy, but it seems every path is always the same. Why do I never shy off this path? Why do I continue to stay on a path that hasn’t seemed to do me any good?

Four - I realize why its so hard to trust, because I trust people I think wont throw my own thoughts in my face and most people will, if not all. You can say you’re not that kind of person, but when push comes to shove we’ve all thrown something someone in-trusted in us in that persons face. Its not really intentional, its just the mind and ego. Ego creates our thoughts and perception of things, and when our perception is not made, we revert to other tactics.

The fifth thing I realized was really not a realization, but an acknowledgment of what I’ve always known. I search and need approval too much. My co-dependent personality doesn’t allow me to think or move without considering other people into the equation. Sometimes that would be seen as a good thing, because it means that less people get stepped on. The problem is, it means I get stepped on and forgotten.

I’m going to try and stop that from happening. I may never learn to trust and I’m almost quite certain that I will trust less, but at least from the conversation I did learn that I have a lot to figure out and only myself to prove my worth.

Here’s to hoping I made the right choice.... and that I don’t ever have to feel this way again... because I am crushed.

Tell me you will live through this
And I will die for you
Cast me not away
Say you'll be with me
For I know I cannot
Bear it all alone

"You're not alone, are you?"
"Never... Never."

Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
It just won't fade away, No

Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away

From: Anonymous

I was on a forum and saw that it was a confession of sorts where you write to people expressing your feelings in a more anonymous way. Of course since this is my blog, its less anonymous, but the people mentioned here, I don't think they have a recollection of this blog, so it just kinda gets it out there for me.




Dear Sis,

You think we lived the same lives but you got to live with grandma for most of your life and I was with mom for most of mine. There for we did not live the same lives. And yes, I do resent you for it.

I was tired of always being second best to you. I could never be good enough no matter what I did. And that just pissed me off because I am better than you in a lot of ways.

I wanted to reconcile and find the sister I always wanted but when you came out here when I moved, I realized the sister I always wanted, I already had, their names are Laura and Ashley. They've treated me better than you have ever with all of the ups and downs of sisterhood. Now with grandma gone, I don't know who you're going to impress. And sadly, I'm happy to have the playing field leveled because you always were the prodigal child. Now its fair game.

P.S We all know how Cinderella ends, so keep calling me Cinderella....cause that makes you the ugly step sister.

-------

Dear J,

I wish I could tell you that I loved you or how much I really do adore you. Even though you can be quite the hostile jerk, I some how get it.

I know you would think I was ridiculous, me loving you. Because after all “no girl ever would” and “eventually they all see the same things.” J, I know you've had problems with girls in your past and don't think your attractive and good enough. I think that a lot of people feel the same way. I wish you could see despite it all, you are to me.

I wish you could see and accept that.... I love you.

------
Dear Pima County Child Protective Services,

Thanks for fucking up my life.

Did you miss the fact that my Aunt and Uncle were willing to step in? Or how about the fact that my mother was supported by my grandparents? Did it ever dawn on you that the only way we even functioned was because my grandparents stepped in? Don’t you think it would have been better for us all to live with someone who could be financially responsible for us? Perhaps someone who wasn’t dependent on drugs. But no, no you left us with our fucking coke-head of a mother. She really fooled you, fucking bastards. I could have struggled less... thanks a lot.

----

Dear Mom

Thanks for nothing.

Wait, no thanks for opening your legs and deciding to bare children you would never be responsible for. I’m sure glad you got the tax credit every year, it sure fueled your need for new furniture and drugs.

I guess I was right the first time.

Thanks for nothing.

To knowing I'm alone tonight...

I had this dream that Jess and I were in California near the coast, for part of the dream we were on the beach, looking at stuff and avoiding being attacked by birds, but then the weird part was when we hit the boardwalk and there was this 20 store hotel building on the side of it.

In the dream I remembered having been to the place before, in fact I remembered memories of being to this place before with Jess - Little things we did before that made us laugh and some how it ended up that these signs from the past started trickling back. And every time we discovered something we would laugh.

At one point Jess leaves to do something and It was right after I had tried to remember something that we did that involved going to the roof of the hotel, well on the way I remember picking up an access sign which was just a piece of wood with some words painted on it (can’t recall what was on it) but I woke up laughing.

And then, I became extremely depressed just thinking how I haven’t really laughed as hard as I was in the dream, and that I thought I would have made a friend in the class that I took, but I didn’t. I’m just so insecure about myself here where in Arizona it wasn’t as bad, I already had friends, if people didn’t want to be my friend, that was fine. Here, I almost seem desperate for some kind of affection. I wish it didn’t matter, but I’m really lonely here with my aunt gone - and its not her company that I miss, its just having company at all.

I went almost 1.5 years without ever REALLY having to be alone, when Michelle wasn’t around there was always Kat or Nora who would stay with me (mostly Kat.)

I don’t like feeling the way I do, and I know right now there’s nothing that will change it and I have to deal with it, but it really sucks. I just want to laugh again.

Got this ego, got my doubt, walking real slow...

So here is the update.

I’ve been by myself for the past 5 days - My aunt left for Arizona last friday and mostly I’ve just been getting myself lost in attempt to learn how to navigate the area. However, thats expensive in an Explorer. Seriously, really expensive.

I just finished up my English class for the summer and I’m looking at an A or a B, I’m not sure, but I don’t really care - I worked really hard and put a lot of effort into things for them only to be glanced at and graded without any comments as to how to make it better. If thats one thing that pisses me off it’s that. It’s showing someone your work and they saying “it’s great!” If it were great I would be a published author by now, obviously its not great, and I still have things that could be improved.

Speaking of School, I’ve registered for classes at the college that actually is in my county which means it will be cheaper. I’m taking a Biology class, Photography, English and History course this semester. And the total was 900 some odd dollars instead of the 1600.00 some odd dollars at macomb community college.

I’ve been on a funky sleeping schedule, as in - sleeping most of the day staying up all night and its really bothering me. Then I think, well it’s not like I have friends here that I could be hanging out with, so I guess the sleeping schedule is okay... I would just prefer not to be on it. I think because I am alone I have been having a hard time sleeping - I’ve always been that way, it’s my co-dependent personality.

So, thats pretty much it for me.

I do not live a fascinating life.

Same-Sex Marriage Essay....

Disclaimer: The views expressed hear are clearly mine and mine alone. It is however on a deeply sensitive subject. Read at your own risk.

It's VERY LONG

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In today’s society, Americans that search for same sex marriages are being prevented from roughly 1,400 legal rights that are bestowed upon married couples. Typically these are composed of about 400 state benefits and over 1,000 federal benefits. Some of these benefits include joint parenting, joint adoption, decision-making power regarding whether a deceased partner will be cremated or not and where to bury them; moreover legal rights in the matter of health their partner. These rights also being denied include being unable to file federal taxes jointly and obtain the tax benefits of filing with a loved one as which happens to be the case for heterosexual marriages. By not allowing same-sex marriage the government is denying fundamental civil rights; rights that many people have fought and given their lives for..

Civil rights are defined by The American Heritage® New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy as:
“A broad range of privileges and rights guaranteed by the United States Constitution and subsequent amendments and laws that guarantee fundamental freedoms to all individuals.”

It’s further stated
“These freedoms include the rights of free expression and action (civil liberties); the right to enter into contracts, own property, and initiate lawsuits; the rights of due process and equal protection of the laws; opportunities in education and work; the freedom to live, travel, and use public facilities wherever one chooses; and the right to participate in the democratic political system.”

Marriage is, in the legal sense, a binding contract between two people. It allows couples to have a joint say in legal matters. Currently only two states in the United States recognize gay marriages: California and Massachusetts. While California will allow residents or visitors to marry in the state, Massachusetts has only granted the right to allow residents of the state to join in matrimony.

Those who are against marriage of same genders often state that it’s not right for a church to be forced to marry a couple if they did not agree with the union of people of the same sex; claiming that same-sex couples are seeking special rights. It is however conceivable for a couple to be joined in union without involving the church. The battles for people to be married in a church will continued to be fought because churches have always had the right to refuse marriages for whatever reason they deem fit. In some cases, marriages between two races are denied. Another reason why a church can refuse to officiate a marriage is if they believe that one or both the spouses are being forced to marry.

It would not be far from the truth to say that many of our laws are dictated by what used to be considered moral and normal. People argue that the marriage between two individuals of the same sex is unnatural. However,same sex unions have been documented in history. Proof of this are records of famous lovers Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum, an Egyptian couple, and the Greek couple Harmodius and Aristogiton. A tomb uncovered in 1964 in the necropolis of Saqqara at Memphis held a painting of Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum which bore witness to an early case of a same-sex union.. The picture depicts two males in an embrace and on the tomb the saying, “Niankhkhnum means, " Joined to life" and Khnumhotep means "joined to 'the blessed state of the dead'" and together the names can be translated as "joined in life and joined in death"” (Millard, par. 3.)

Furthermore in Ancient Greece, the story of the youth Harmodius and his lover, Aristogiton was developed and is a famous depiction of Greek pederasty. Pederasty refers to an erotic relationship, sexually expressed or not, between an adolescent boy and an adult male outside his immediate family. Consequently, in greek life, it was common for older greek man to have relationships with younger men but not for two men of the same age to have relationships, the latter case often frowned upon. As for Harmodius and Aristogiton, what makes them exceptional is that they both have sculptures that were commissioned by Cleisthenes, who was responsible for many changes in Athenian history.

Additional evidence of homosexual partnership is found in the study of many species of animals behavior. Not only are animals capable of homosexuality and bisexuality but they are also, according to a study by Biologist Bruce Bagelmihl, “capable of rape, divorce cannibalism, child abuse, cross-dressing," and infidelity.” He further states that “The range of behavior, from same-sex cooperating to pair bonding [a couple-like arrangement] among some animals, including Cheetahs, Bottle-nose Dolphins, and Silver Gulls, can last temporarily or a lifetime” (Harrold par 5.) This goes to show that if it can be conceivable for animals of the same sex to be joined in union, the argument that human same-sex unions are unnatural becomes less and less defensible.

It wasn’t until the rise of Christian religion that same-sex marriages began to be outlawed by Christian Roman Emperors Constantius II and Constans in 342 AD. The law stated:
“When a man marries and is about to offer himself to men in womanly fashion, what does he wish, when sex has lost all its significance; when the crime is one which it is not profitable to know; when Venus is changed to another form; when love is sought and not found? We order the statutes to arise, the laws to be armed with an avenging sword, that those infamous persons who are now, or who hereafter may be, guilty may be subjected to exquisite punishment” (Theodosian Code 9.8.3.)
Nevertheless, gay unions continued and were documented until the middle ages.

The dictation of law preventing same-sex marriage calls to mind the belief that marriages are for procreation and ensuring the continuation of the species. If this is the case, than it would make the marriage between two couples who are unable to have children, those who are too old to have children, and those who choose not to have children invalid. In the unfortunate event that two heterosexual couples are unable to produce children they have the right to adopt children. This is could be the case for same-sex individuals. Currently a homosexual single person has the right to adopt a child, yet a same-sex couple does not have equal rights regarding adopting and raising a child.

Activist argue same-sex couples aren't the optimum environment in which to raise children. However, many psychological studies claim that it's not whether a child has both a mother and a father, but rather that a child lives in a loving family environment that is conducing to a healthy child. The differences have been the two cases have been repeatedly shown to be insignificant. Psychologists tell us that what makes the difference is the love and commitment of the parents, not their gender. The studies are very clear about that aspect. Moreover, if the preferred environment to raise a child is a home with two parents, it could be argued that single parents are unfit to raise children.

For people of the same sex, asking for the right to a civil union or marriage is the right to declare and establish a loving and long-term relationship with another person. It is allowing them the ability to raise a family and adhere to ideals of a marriage as any other couple would. They are not asking not for special rights, but rather the same; to be able to have a say when it comes to the medical emergencies of a partner. They are trying to live their life as any heterosexual would in the pursuit of happiness and is that not what the constitution states as one of our inalienable rights?

As a relatively progressive Roman Catholic, my religion is against the marriage between two people of the same sex. It however, doesn’t make me any less catholic to be able to recognize the change and movement of our nation. There are many things stated in the bible that we don’t adhere to for example, in the book of Deuteronomy 22:22 it states “If a married person has sex with someone else's husband or wife, the Bible commands that both adulterers be stoned to death.” Further evidence is in Mark 12:18-17, “If a man dies childless, his widow is ordered by biblical law to have intercourse with each of his brothers in turn until she bears her deceased husband a male heir.” These are among several things that were held true in biblical times we don’t perceive as being acceptable in the modern world.

Before the end of the civil war it was not conceivable for people of a different race to be considered equal. This is the same cause that the homosexual community is pursuing in our time: equality. Nowadays the prospect of banning interracial marriages is absurd. In the future, hopefully this will be the same with gay, lesbian, transsexual and transgendered couples.

Flooded all my Empty Space

I've been feeling rather - Emo for lack of a better word. But really its not so much Emo as it is disappointed in myself. I don't feel as pretty as I used to. And the more I thought about it, the more it came down to the fact that the few people I surrounded myself with had a way of making me feel like the most amazing person to have ever lived. And that helped me be confident in the way I looked some way.

I took advantage of that and I'm disappointed in that retrospect. Like Nora and Kat had this way of making me feel like there was no one cooler than me, and knowing that two people like them thought I was cool, some how made me feel better about being me.

Lately I haven't really liked being me, which is probably why I sleep as much as I do and avoid getting to know people too much. I'm sure that's shooting me in the foot more so.

Also, I think I've gained a lot more weight, and that scares me. But it hasn't motivated me enough to change, and that idea scares me as well. Like, If I've become this obese person, why am I not motivated to exercise? I should want to exercise and not be so fat, but I'm not. I'm just... Bleh. And I hate that. I really do. I watched my sister just randomly break out into exercising on the living room floor, the floor of my aunts office, she'd come down stairs and used the Weight machine and I think to myself, why can't I hate myself enough to want to change it the way she does? Or more so why can't I hate myself in that way to want to change it, cause I do hate myself, just not in the way my sister does.

I guess I just miss the reassurance from the friends like Kat, Nora, Michelle I, Michelle (my roommate) (when she wasn't telling me I suck as a friend of course), Brandalyn (she's awesome at making me feel cool.)

My aunt doesn't reassure me that I am awesome. I'm not saying she just picks out my flaws, but she does that too.

I really do miss my friends, they did a lot for me that looking back now I didn't realize then. Ugh. Total suckage.

Take a look at my life... All Black...

I’ve declined to buy my aunts car from her and I’m actually quite torn about the situation... If I'm going to spend that much money, it should be something I want, and not something Im settling for...

2003 Chevy Impala

Pros
------

Its a car of my own right now.
Its in decent shape
It’s blue.

Cons
------

I hate Impalas. (the way they look) (the tail fin)
It’s not comfortable to drive long distances.
It needs new tires/breaks/rotors
I don’t like the way the steering wheel is, its awkward driving it.

I guess at this point in my life I can sort of afford to be picky, before it was "accept what you can and don't be so picky." But I think in this case, If its not comfortable to drive that’s a big thing, I love driving (even if gas prices are outrageous.) Furthermore, I don't like the car to begin with I’ve never liked them. In fact Kristin and I used to make fun of that car. To me its like the equivalent of driving an egg, and most of my friends can attest to how much I dislike egg cars. It also things need to be done to it and I just don’t want to put forth the effort and feel that the car isn't worth the 5400. Granted my aunt would be selling it to me for 4100.00 (her trade-in value) the other 1300.00 would be for the work that needed to be done on it right now..

And then there’s that other part of me that doesn’t want someone in my family’s hand-me-downs. I know, it seems as though I’m being slightly snobbish, but I haven’t ever really gotten a car that wasn’t someone in my family’s before, I just want something that is my own, that I got to choose. It’s a stupid thing, but I need it to validate myself as an adult who is able to make decisions.

On the other hand it has been quite difficult to talk to Kathleen about my wants/needs. She always seems so busy and if I do talk to her its like I’m interrupting something very important, so I just try not to talk to her and just keep things to myself. Seeing how she controls my income its not exactly the easiest thing to do... It makes me feel really helpless. I hate that.

I need something that I can control in my life.

On the flip-side I got my first A+ as a college student. My last paper I wrote I got 100% on. Which is pretty effin sweet if you ask me.

The next essay we have to write is a descriptive essay about what our dream life would be. I think I’ll probably write about living in a New York City loft and working for a pretty widely known magazine as a photographer. The point is now I have to incorporate taste, touch, sound, smell and sight. Some of these will be easier than others... I just need to think of a creative angle, I don’t want to go into it like “my dream job would be like....” Just doesn’t seem all that... interesting and too childish.

Maybe talk about something really important that i had to get done, pick and “event” in my life to talk about and detail around that....

So, that is what’s going on in my head these days....

As always, I miss my friends.

I live a montonous life in the suburbs.

The development that my aunt lives in (well I guess I live in now,) is cute. Across the street from her on the left side of the house is an old couple. Everyday they sit out in their chairs in front of their garage. Whenever I wake up, they are there - It makes me wonder if they even eat! Although I did see someone come to the house and pick up the old man.

My second favorite thing about living here is the Walkers. Every day there are about 20-30 people that pass the house. I get a kick out of the older walkers with their grey cotton shorts pulled up to their chests and grey matching t-shirt. They walk with oversized headphones on their head (apparently haven’t discovered earbuds or Ipods.)

Behind the old people’s home on the left is a lake, That’s right a lake is within walking distance of my porch, By walking distance I mean anything within a 1000ft Radius.... Anything out of that is... well out of my effort zone.

It’s a very green cute neighborhood with gardens, grass and sidewalks.

You cut me open and I keep bleeding love...

I love digging up old pieces of work and revisiting them. Giving them small little make overs and then putting them back where you found them, or dusting it off and showing the world what you have. Something about that as a writer makes me happy.

I found an old poem I wrote about how I knew I was in love with someone. Granted that love has long faded and the guy it was written about is not longer an active part of my life, the poem still made me smile. And that’s what I like about writing and healing, being able to capture a memory that once would have caused me pain if I had read it during the period following the “break up” that I refer to as the Dark Period. But now as I read through it, give it its make over, it just makes me grin, satisfied for those few moments captured in the poem.

The Reasons Why

It’s this secret that I have
The moment I look into your eyes
The walls fall around me.
And you hold me in your arms.
It’s the smile that you share,
so simple and so pure
Yet complicated and obscure.

It’s that little twinkle in your eye
when I say something completely off the wall.
Or the way you brush the hair out of my face
look at me, and how I say
“Stop looking at me”
and secretly hope you wont
And I wonder what you see
your eyes set intently on me

It's how when I am looking at you,
And you ask my why,
I want to respond with
"I’m in love with the way you look,
every feature - freckles and nose,
Fingers and toes."
I just say, “It’s because you looked at me”

It really is a lot more than that
like the way your reddish brown hair flips out
when it’s getting long.
or your blue blue eyes.
It’s the way you kiss me,
when I’m looking up at you
through fallen strands of hair.

And the way your hand touches mine,
that sends tingles down my spine.
It’s cliche I know, but its just how you
hug me and I never want you to let go.


It’s watching your fingers flirting
with strings on your guitar.
And when I have your full attention
It’s that smile I get,
when you think I’m looking
the other direction.


Or the laugh from you when I make that face
And the way your brow wrinkles
when you try and figure out what I’m thinking.
Its how each moment doesn’t last long enough
And leaves me hungering for your touch.
It’s the snapshots I hold in treasure chests.

So to answer that burning question,
this is how I know.

-------

In other news on the Michigan battle front, it's still exactly that. A constant struggle to figure out how to live with my aunt. Trying to figure out what I am going to do with myself and how I will survive unscathed. I am a broken person, this I am fully aware of, but each of the pieces that you find will make up a whole me. The problem is, the way she wants those pieces put together are not me...I'm not sure I want to compromise everything that I am to be everything that someone else wants. Their vision of me, is not my own.

I need to find the reason that answers the question "Why did I move here?" I need to find it, and I need to take that and figure things out. School is not the only reason. Was I reaching out for someone or were there alternative means for leaving? Do I really want to live my life the way things have been going? What can I do to change these things?

And I really have to get myself on a better schedule. Staying up until the wee hours of the morning and then sleeping until 1 PM is probably not the best thing.

Not to mention, my back hates me.. no, it hates my bed.

Leave Me Here In Pieces

She frustrates the hell out of me. I wish she would just learn to talk to me like my aunt instead of the college professor. I can have conversations, I don't have a problem talking to anyone but her. Why? Because she judges every word that comes out of my mouth. Every action I do, is scrutinized by her. I may be defensive when I respond, but its only because she has said something to cause me to be defensive. I wish she would just take a step back and stop trying to change me.

Or maybe I work better not being part of a family. Maybe I should just leave and go back home and continue my life that I had, and just deal with school later when I don't have to answer to someone daily. It's what I'm used to. I'm sorry, at 23 should I even HAVE to answer to anyone? I'm not seeing anyone...And even then, I wouldn't answer to them but more along the lines share my life with them, allow them witness and vice versa.

It's not the same when you live with your aunt who is a college professor and thinks she should have control of everything. I may be a broken person but I am still a formed person open to change when its something that is in the best interest of me. Not because someone else wants me to be a certain way.

I'm just so tired of all of these confrontations because I don't want to talk to her, or I don't want to be grilled by her. I just want to be left alone, thats how I work. I ask for help when I need it... I've learned that. Or...

Or maybe I'm doomed to forever be alone because apparently I cannot communicate.

Who the fuck cares how I want to live my life? I'm not hurting anyone.

Just cross my fingers, throw another nickel in the well...

Welcome to the Emo side.

I’m having a lot of set backs to moving here.. they’re mostly emotional and purely to the fact that I’m extremely lonely. I mean my aunts cool and all, but I miss the inside jokes between my friends and I. I feel like I’m missing out on everything that we used to do... Sort of like the little kid that doesn’t want to go to bed.

I started school today, It should be an interesting 6 weeks, the teacher seems pretty down to earth so thats good, my first thought was oh man she’s a bitch, but once she actually started talking that thought was totally thrown out the window.

I really don’t get my aunts thinking process all that much and its probably mostly just because I’m so used to doing things on my own terms. But since she controls the money its hard for me to get some things done without her... I guess I’m really just irritated that she blew up on me because I was sitting there this afternoon working on my Itunes and Ipod playlists and not doing what she probably thought I should have been doing. But it really irritated the crap out of me because she sitting there telling me I should be getting ready for class and making sure I paid for the course then going to the bookstore and getting the books for my class... and those are things she has to do since I do not have the $$. So I immediately get up to get the page up so that she can process the payment and when I get her she says “I’m busy taking a shower, I’ll do it later.”

In my mind I guess I would have just said something to me after the shower instead of going off on me about how I wasn’t doing anything to prepare for a class. In my mind I also knew what I was going to do. I was going to gather the things I needed (Pen/Paper) because I didn’t want to show up to the class with books I has just bought only to learn that we don’t need them. The buy back price is freaking ridiculous! As for paying for the course, I was going to do that as soon as I was finished with my playlist that I had to recreate, which probably would have been about the time she finished with her shower... Of course she couldn’t have known this, so I guess I can’t blame her. But I just wish she would give me some credit that I do know what I am doing sometimes, and these days if I don’t, I tend to ask for help... which is an improvement for me.

I’m just really upset about moving back to be told what to do. Not to mention I was under the impression that my room and board would be in the 300 range, not 500. I basically could have stayed in tucson and not spent the money for the ticket and moving out here if I knew that each month I was going to have to pay 500.00 to not have my own place or be able to do what I want....I payed roughly 500.00 month when I was in Tucson before i left... probably a little bit over... but not much.

A bit of an advantage for me is that I did get roughly 3000.00 in debt paid off my credit report... I have no debt now, just paid accounts, which isn’t really good, but its not that bad either... So that is good. The bad news is the 10k allotment that we all (Trustees) received is pretty much spent, and I still don’t have my own vehicle.

I had hoped to have had one within a few weeks of me being here, but at this rate it probably wont be until August/September before that happens. Which disappoints me because a car for me would be a bit more of freedom for me. I just don’t feel right taking my aunts car whenever I want to like I would if I had my own vehicle. Not to mention I’m back in a Ford Exploder... which I think could possibly be worse than Forest... In order to get out of the car, I have to roll down the back window and reach around to open the door from the outside, the radio works - but you can’t tell which station you are on, the lights on the dash are out, and the AC is broken, it just blows outside air in, which in this heat is quite.... muggy. Might as well roll the windows down... but I can’t roll down the driver window...which would actually make getting out of the car a lot easier.

But hey, I could be taking the bus?

But never the less, I still miss my friends...

I wish that you would just leave...

How is it that my sister can get completely under my skin and bring me to tears so easily? Oh, Right because I am an emotional person in the middle of a very emotional time and she’s really good at pushing the right buttons.

I seriously would not care if my sister and I ever had a relationship. I don’t care what the norm is… If she wont stop being such a totally Cunt bag, I am severing ties and considering her dead just like my mother.

I know that seems harsh, But I’m just so fed up with bullshit people in my life. I want to be happy, and I don’t want to have to deal with people who are supposed to be supporting me bringing me down… I can bring myself down fine by myself thank you very much.

All I will say is this adventure to the Chicago area should have been pleasant, instead I spent a good deal of time trying to avoid my sister and plotting her death. If murder wasn’t illegal, she would not be living.

I thank god that I do not have to see her until Christmas after this week is over, if I see her before then, it will have been too soon.

Now I realize why I never really tried and the next time I say I should do something to bond with her, I would ask that my closest friend please sock me in the face as hard as they can so that I can remember how it feels to “bond” with my cunt bag of a sister.

/end rant.

I am S-m-R-T

So let the record show that I took the placement test at Pima Community College in Arizona TWICE. (The writing portion I took 3 times)

And Each time I placed into remedial math (the math you take before it even means anything) and the lowest English class (not the regular 101) I scored a 100% on reading comprehension so we call know I can read and get what I'm reading.

But scoring low in the English department has always had me pissed off. I took it the first time, scored low. Re-tested doing a written form instead of an online "editing" exam. Placed low. Two years alter, took the online editing part again.... Placed low.

How could that even be? I was a writer! Yes, my spelling and grammar do suck. But I thought I was decent enough to be placed into a regular English course...

Well today, I went over to Macomb community college to take the placement tests and get this low scoring over with. I was convinced I'd do the same, place low in everything but reading.

Well kids, I placed in regular writing 101. I placed in Intermediate Math (which is ABOVE what I placed last time) and My reading comprehension score was yet again, 100%......

The math bit I have no idea how I placed higher, but the English part, over the past year or so I have been working really hard on making sure things that I wrote were correctly spelled and used correctly.... It worked.

I'm a normal college student! I'm not behind.

I thought the term was use it or lose it..... I haven't been in school in almost 3 years.... I definitely didn't lose it!

Say you are here and it's all over now...

It’s not okay that I am so emotionally handicapped that it pains me to ask for help. Or when I do ask for help, I instantly decline said help.

Last night I went to my grandma’s house. It was one of the first times I was there for more than 5 minutes when it wasn’t full of cousins since the Funeral. The silence killed me emotionally. I went from having a great day to be instantly crippled by this overwhelming emotion I can only understand as grief.

It wasn’t supposed to be this hard for me. My grandma and I never really got along…and I know I’m probably a bastard for even thinking that, but its almost crippling the affect and power she had over my life. The influence she had and now the absence is stronger than I would have ever imagined.

I know it will get better with time but last night all I wanted to do is be held and talked to, to take it off my mind and when I called someone I figured would be right for the job, I declined the initial thought of just coming over and getting a hug. That’s right, I declined.

He was ago for the situation but I didn’t want to do it because I didn’t want to “ruin” his mood. I’ve always been accused indirectly of being a mood killer because of my emotions and having a tendency to lean towards the darker side of life. So I tend to lean away from the support of others and carry my sadness, anger, frustrations and pains alone.

I finally sucked up my own pride and just went for it. I’m glad I did, because he did make me feel better, and I know he’s probably thinking “I didn’t do anything” but sometimes doing nothing and just being there is more than doing something. It’s more than the “I’m Sorry” or the “it will be okay” comments, especially with me.

On a less Emo note, I have discovered yet another addition to the “Things Not To Do” list.

This morning I was supposed to be to work at 6 AM, I woke up at 6:35, luckily I was at my grandma’s so I arrived at my work at 6:45. Just in time for our new kid to try and enter the building and trip the alarm we have. He didn’t know the pass code and so the CEO of the company was called and thus foiled my “show up late unnoticed” plan.

I’m still wearing my PJs…. However, it’s Friday… So I don’t care.

Sail Away with me Hunny...

So the last few days I have been quite zombie-a-fied.

Monday morning I come into about 50 Orders to be printed with 98% of them being hard copies. A hard copy is when a customer request that their document be printed instead of e-mailed or in the form of a CD. These documents can be anywhere from 100-800 pages. It takes approximately 1 hour to print 3 of these hard copies with more coming in by the hour. One of our management companies was extremely behind and decided to play Catch-up over the weekend. This meant I’d be skipping Lunch (which is okay, because its overtime….)

Tuesday, same thing. There were a lot of orders to be processed. Another lunch skipped. And I don’t even remember what happened on either of these days I just know that I worked, came home and was unable to actually full sleep.

Which brings me to my next topic. Sleep. I haven’t been getting any sleep. Well I’ve been getting 2-3 hours here and there, but mostly I wake up every morning extremely tired, probably more tired than the night before. And I cannot seem to wake myself before 8 AM, which is really not that good considering; I start work at 8:30. So I’ve been running 5 minutes late for the past week and a half.

I have so much to do and it seems like so little time. I put in my resignation at work, a month from today and I will be work free for the summer. Well, I guess I’ll still have work to do, I just wont be paid and there will be no taxes involved. So, there’s a pro and con for you.

Did I also mention that a week from yesterday I will be free from my federal and state grounding? Yes, I will be out of my Diversion program and considered a normal part of society instead of a criminal. If you don’t know what this is about, my apologies (search old blogs circa June 2007.)

I can’t remember if it was yesterday or Monday that my friend Kristin called me to tell me about her baby girl’s birthday party. For some reason I feel like it’s her 3rd birthday party and I keep thinking to myself, dear god, it’s been a while… but then I realize, no it’s only her second birthday party. Few people know, but I could have had a two year old. He/She would have been born the June after Kaylee was born (May 4, 2006.)

I remember how depressed I was when I found out I miscarried, but now that I look back, its probably one of the best things that could have happened to me. The only regret I have now is that my grandma will never get to meet any of my kids (if I even have any) and that makes me sad. I know that my nephews life was enriched because of the quality time he spent with my grandma and now I fear that my kids will never know what its like to have a grandmother from my side of the family. I can only rely on my family to step in and show them what its like to have family. But hell, we all know I’m never getting married and I’m never having kids…

Happy Birthday Grandma. I miss you.

Have a little Faith In me...

"I never dreamed home would end up being where I don't belong..."

Here is the good news.

Today, I paid my court fines and a total of $942.00 were spent. I feel a lot better, as if this HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders. April 29th I go into sign the paper work to be free of my legal cage that binds me to Arizona.

And as I've been talking to all my friends closest to me, I am really nervous and anxious to start the "New Me" lifestyle that I will begin when I move to Michigan. I promise not to change who I am, but to change what I am doing with my life. I want to be someone great and I know I can, I just need to take those steps.

My fears were losing my friends, but I know that will not happen. The ones that are in it for the long haul will always be there, it's the ones that wont be around when I come on top that I do not need to fear losing and I am ashamed to admit that was a fear.

It will definitely be strange to not just call people up and hang with them here, I know it will be difficult to not compare my new friends with my old ones, because I'm afraid my new friends have set some high standards that many people will fall short of. I must be open to the change and welcome the experiences that will shape my next life.

And so, this chapter of my life, which I will call "Some Where in Between" is a few pages away from coming to an end.

On May 31, 2008 I'll head to Michigan to begin my new Life.

To my friends, please don't close this book now, keep reading, I know the ending will be great.

I just don't know

I am hurt right now, big time.

I have a lot to look forward to, I mean I’m leaving Arizona (for good…) in less than two months.

I got offered the chance to live for dirt cheap in a beautiful home, go to school full time and finally get to know what it feels like to be "normal. College student." It’s something I’ve wanted for quite some time and thanks to grandma its finally happening… I should be ecstatic.

But, I just feel so icky. I woke up this morning more tired than usual, my body was just done and I’ve been fighting boughs of nausea all day.

My fortune cookie said "This coming month shall bring Winds of Change into your life."

Me being the dork that I am thought February was valentines month so maybe it was going to mean I’d have better luck with Love.... Little did I know it was going to be more dramatic of a change, something that would never be undone...That was before February, the month my grandmother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

On March 24th, 2008 Jean Crawford, My Grandmother passed away.

I don’t want it to be real.

Three Hail Marys

Alone with my thoughts
While fingers work over
Those delicately carved wooden beads
I’ve never been one to believe
And I find myself wanting to believe
Frozen in this moment, I’m here.

“Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;
Blessed art thou among women,
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.”

When can we go home?
She asks desperately
And I know that the answer, soon.
She calls out to him frantically in the night
Someone who’s already made it there
But her journey, it’s coming too soon.

“Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners,
Now and at the hour of our death..."

I hold selfishly onto beads,
Bargaining for more
Never one for prayer,
My fingers lace through,
“God give me the strength and courage,
To face what I don’t want too.”

"Amen."

- Jennifer Marie
- March 24, 2008

Consider this Your Warning.

I am never the strong one. Ever.

I say this because people often look at me because I do not “break down” the way that they do. And they are right, I rarely break down in public and if I do, I am ashamed of myself. I like to keep my break downs in the privacy of my own car/room/house/space-where-no-one-can-see.

I avoid situations where my “break downs” will prevail themselves.

Case in point, my grandma is very ill. I should know more about it but I refuse to let myself know more. I have spent quite a bit of time at her house in the past week but rarely in the room with her. Usually I scurry myself off into the TV room where I root myself to the couch and attempt to absorb myself in television shows. For those of you who know me, TV is not one of my regular vices…at all.

I haven’t forgiven myself.

In the heat of stressful situations I tend to think of everything wrong I have ever done. Mostly, things that occurred almost 2 years ago: I have accepted that I got in trouble for what I did, but I have not accepted the fact that I could so such a thing.

My whole childhood and a good percent of my teenage years were rebelling against being like my mother, which inadvertently made me do things she did. “A spitting image.” My grandma would often say. Which stung more than the needles at the doctor’s office. And cut deeper than any knife.

I give too much.

I allow myself to be hurt by people I consider close, constantly – I can’t let go. I need to let go.

I’m heading for a harsh breakdown

I can feel it welling up inside of me and I’m trying my hardest to put on the breaks and bring this break down to a screeching halt.

I am Broken.

I refuse to let people (especially guys) get close to me. I have so much emotional baggage that I am afraid to let anyone “see me.”

I feel like sometimes I’m Bi-Polar.

Maybe to a lesser degree and I can still function… somewhat.

I'm about to go into Scrat-Twitch-Blenderizing mode.

I have to say growing up if it weren’t for my Aunt, I’d know very little about personal hygiene and things of that nature. Perhaps my aunt taught me how to be a bit too tedious about bathing daily because I sometimes will do it twice a day. It was my sister however who taught me to be self conscious about odors. Any of them, my sister was cruel about it too, which I think probably made me a bit obsessive compulsive about it.

“Jennie, you really smell!” my sister would always say, making sure to point it out when we were around others – usually her friends sometimes mine. She was good at ridiculing me at just the opportune time.

Well its because of my aunt and my sister that I can attribute the fact that I learned personal responsibility about making sure that I have shampoo, soap and other personal effects that relate to my general health and concern, so it really shocks to me as how someone can be so lazy that they throw this whole “Hygiene” thing out the window.

I mean I have a problem if the house smells even a little bit – I am a air freshener junkie. And if people are going to be at the house? It has to be clean, or at least straightened up otherwise I go into full on Scrat-twitch mode.

What I’m saying is, I was gone for 1.5 weeks – when I left my house was messy, random towels here and there and a bits of trash. When I returned, it was disgusting. I’ve lived in some pretty run down places so when I say a place is disgusting, its probably beyond what most people would say is. In fact, they would probably say that when I left the house was disgusting.

I came back to my house reeking of both cat and dog urine and there was trash everywhere. I couldn’t walk 2-3 feet without stepping on a taco bell wrapper or empty sauce packet. Every surface had 3-4 takeout cups on them and I came home to the fact that all of the tampons that I had bought for my sporadic period were gone, and all we had left were diaper-sized pads. No thank you. I buy tampons because I like that I feel as if I’m not 5, or pissing myself when the blood decides to flow.

I was then informed by a friend that rather than go to the store and BUY tampons she just assume bum them off everyone else or use the pads, or I’m sure just wrap up toilet paper and place that there for protection – which is something I would do in an emergency situation – I would not go my entire period without going to the store and picking up a supply of tampons. She would. She DID.

Before I left I said, “we’re out of laundry soap, can you get some?” and she responded that she would.

After being on vacation for 1.5 weeks and not really washing the clothes I had, I was prepared to do a lot of laundry, only that would mean she would have to go into a store, and if she’s not going to do it for tampons, surely she wouldn’t do it for laundry soap, who needs clean clothes? Not her, perfume is an acceptable “cover up” for her.

It’s pure laziness and it drives me freaking crazy. I cannot fathom how she is going to live on her own and keep up with the necessities of buying shampoo, Conditioner, soap, toilet paper, tampons, laundry detergent.

She’s one of those people that instead of going into a store and paying 5.00 for a 10lb bag of dog or cat food, she will go to a Circle K (Or 7-11) and spend 5.00 for a 2lb bag of food because its right there. I understand in extreme situations, but the Wal-Mart and Local Fry’s Food and Drug store are just the same amount of distance and they’re 24 hours.

I thought I was messy and lazy… and I may be, but not nearly as extreme as she is.

It’s driving me fucking nuts.

To the Guy at the NW Tucson Albertsons

Allow me to be a complete ass hole for a second here…

But why the fuck does people assume I want to hear “you’re beautiful, I like bigger girls”

That right there just says, “Hey you’re a fat girl” to my face, in “nicer” words. It still cuts the same.

I get it I’m fat. Do I want to be told it? Not really.

Why can’t people just say “Hey, you’re beautiful” I think I’d be more apt to taking THAT sort of “compliment” rather than the Compliment followed with the insult.

That’s right up there, with “You have a pretty face” Thanks; you just called the rest of me total crap. Fucker. And I’ll have you know, I have a great personality too with this pretty face. Oh right, personality doesn’t matter. Doh.

Anyway, This vent comes from the fact that last Saturday I went to the Compass bank in the Albertsons for my grandma. (May I just state that I had just rolled out of bed and went up to her house wearing my Pajamas. There for I am in no mood to be approached, in fact its probably not wise…And I’ve never had a problem… until…)

On my way out of the store this homeless looking drunk guy feels the need to stroll up to me and say “you’re beautiful, you really are” several times followed by “I like bigger (as he hand gestures a size) women, and you’re just beautiful.” I think normally one might be like “thanks” for being called beautiful, however I was both creped out and mortified by this guy.

Sure I’m being some “shallow” human being, but geez! He then proceeds to tell me where he lives (as if that matters to me) and then continue repeating the ‘you’re beautiful statement.’ And then, here’s the real kicker, he tried to freaking touch me. NO joke. He walked closer to me reached his hand out. At this point I should have busted out my ninja jitsu moves, but sadly I have none, so I just stepped backward.

At which point the guy starts walking away, again, still muttering the same phrase.

I get it.

It’s NEVER okay for a stranger to touch another stranger.

Ever.

Then, today I’m walking out of that same Albertsons for yet another errand for my grandmother and I get a guy “excuse me miss, can I get like 25 to 50 cents change?” and as I turn around, it’s the SAME FUCKING GUY! And he again starts stuttering the “you’re beautiful” phrase, this time leaving out that I’m fat. Thanks for that one homeless guy.

Fuck you.

Happiness was the old silk dress...

So my week started off on a clean note.

I finally got the washer and dryer that’s been sitting at my grandma’s house for over a month. So we have a washer and dryer at our house now thanks to the help from our neighbors.

My brother was being a jerk-face and wouldn’t load them in his truck and bring it over. In any event, they’re there. So I felt the need to wash everything I could on Sunday. It was an all afternoon and into the night process, but never the less the highlight of my week thus far.

Yay for domestication right?

I’ve slowly begun to realize that I can be happy, as I’ve been happy for about two weeks now and going strong. Most of the time in the situation I am in I would find myself getting very depressed. But, some how I’m finding things to occupy my mind and keep me striving for more.

Work has been proving to be quite stressful and my days seemed to be moving faster and I can never find enough time to do all the things I need to before everyone leaves. I work the 11-8PM schedule, which happens to be the closing schedule. It sucks.

Not just because I’m the only one in the building for 2 hours, but also because I struggle from 11-4PM to get all of the mailroom priorities done. It’s not nearly enough time, being that my lunch is soon after I arrive at around 2 PM. In fact, I find myself working through lunch to make sure I maintain the daily work order. And on top of that all, each month we have a “Welcome Packet” that we send out to new homeowners that are in a certain association we assist. This means I have to make a bunch of CD’s, labels and then stuff the CDs along with a piece of paper into an envelope and send them off…. This month we have 196 packets to do. And what’s more, the guy who was before me, screwed up on an entire welcome packet of 75. So I have to re-label these little babies and get them sent back out. Good times, maybe anyway.

I’m getting very anxious for my trip to the east coast.

The roommate has started school again so this may mean I see less of her. Hopefully she maintains a work ethic and goes to class. She told me last semester to make sure she went to school (not sure why I have to be mom here?) but I tried, which ultimately resulted in her lying about going to classes. She argues that it should have very little effect on me because it doesn’t concern me. My argument is, a lie is a lie – it makes me trust people less. I’m sure I’m not the only one here.

Also, I’ve started dabbling in painting – I’ve painted a few pictures, some that I am extremely happy with some that I want to re-do, but I am against painting over… so I’ll need to wait until I can buy fresh canvases.

In other “exciting” news, I’ve gotten a new cell phone with what I refer to as my “Big Kid” phone. Because it’s no longer a prepaid type option that only works in certain limited places. It’s with Verizon and it’s a camera phone. I think that I’ve just created a monster because I’m able to picture message people videos and stills…. Some of my friends can attest to the madness, and my Myspce’s new “Photo Album can also attest. I’m already getting threats to have it taken away… this can’t be good…. Or can it? I love my phone.

Pretty much, my life is good. I’m happy; I’m excited and ready to take on the future while enjoying what I have now.

happy - So this is what it feels like?

Never under estimate the power of a strong group with a lot of conviction.

I got “promoted’ today due to some “lay offs” at work.

So that’s exciting.

I now technically have my own office and what not. I moved most of my stuff already. So I’m excited to start making changes and growing with this company.

I’ve never felt more grown up than I do now, strangely enough.

Also, I feel quite accomplished and rather happy, another weird feeling for me.

Plus, I’m going to Jersey in Feb, so I am DEFINATLY excited about that. But I will probably freeze!

Happiness has never felt so good.

Things to Accomplish This year

I kept going back and forth on whether or not I should do a new years resolution, I argued that by doing one it would be cliché and pointless. But also counter argued that its good to have goals and standards. I decided to not call it a resolution as much as a “I’ve decided to change my life.” For some reason I feel like 2008 will be the year things change for me. I want it to be an important year of growing, living and learning. But most importantly I want it to be a turning point for me where I leave behind my childish ways and step into adulthood.

So now I have a not so resolution game plan. Here’s what I want to do:

Be more organized.
Be financially Responsible.
Be Healthy.
Be Happy.
Take time to do Photography (at least 1 weekend a month)
Practice clean living habits.
Get out of this Program.
Smile more.
Cry less.
Laugh often. (Boy, I feel like a commercial for some kind of Shoe Company.)
Get in touch with old friends.
Read More (should be the easiest!)
Forgive.
Live.