I think I may have discovered the reason I haven’t evoked any change in my life as far as diet goes.
As long as someone finds me pretty, I see no reason to change. I mean, why would I? If can continue to just be me and still have people like me just the same why do I need to be different? Why do I even need to loose the weight?
It could be argued that I should lose the weight to be healthy, but to be honest; I could care less about my health. I know that’s a stupid comment to make, probably almost naïve – But it’s an honest comment. I don’t really care.
The only thing I really care about is not being able to buy all the same cheap cute clothes as my friends in the Small, Medium and Large range can… but even that isn’t much of a driving factor, I wish it were.
The bottom line is, someone will always like me for who I am. Someone will always see past the THICK exterior, so I don’t change my life.
I should though, just because Fat is out and small is in, and we all want to keep up with the general consensus right?
What if the general consensus just changed? I’m serious; females were pulled who were considered “Obese” or “Morbidly Obese.” You know what the general consensus was? No one craved the size 1-7 body frame, they just wanted to be 1 or two sizes smaller, meaning they were still in the considerably over weight range.
The difference? People are becoming more confident in themselves so that weight is slowly taking a back burner, or at least less of importance, less of a strive to be skinny in my eyes, perhaps a bit smaller and healthier.
I think fat is much more appealing that being a toothpick. I mean, who wants a twig when you can climb the whole tree right?
Random rant, I should lose weight – But I’m confidant enough in who I am, and someone has always liked me so why change?
Monday, December 10, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
You make me smile, even just for a while.
I don't think I've ever had a movie impact me as much as the movie August Rush did. I'm not saying that I relate exactly to the story line at all. And that I can even play an instrument, I just know that music can effect you as strongly as it does the boy in the movie.
This movie hit me on so many levels that I laughed and cried all in one. I sat on the edge of my seat the whole time and it wasn't even a suspenseful movie, it just made me smile. The music was amazing.
In all actuality I cannot even begin to explain how great that movie was and how much it affected me. It's also gotten me to listen to a lot more classical…. Like I've become addicted to it.
Yay for movies that open your eyes to a whole world you paid a little attention to.
YAY and Thank you to ex-boyfriends who did the same, and for current friends who also aid in my conquest and love for music.
"The music is all around us, all you have to do is listen"
Reading: Paint it black - Janet Fitch
This movie hit me on so many levels that I laughed and cried all in one. I sat on the edge of my seat the whole time and it wasn't even a suspenseful movie, it just made me smile. The music was amazing.
In all actuality I cannot even begin to explain how great that movie was and how much it affected me. It's also gotten me to listen to a lot more classical…. Like I've become addicted to it.
Yay for movies that open your eyes to a whole world you paid a little attention to.
YAY and Thank you to ex-boyfriends who did the same, and for current friends who also aid in my conquest and love for music.
"The music is all around us, all you have to do is listen"
Reading: Paint it black - Janet Fitch
Thursday, November 15, 2007
If Stress were an Element, I’d be that Planeteer
This job has placed me into my element. For the first time in a LONG time I feel needed, I feel… worth it. Sure I get paid shit for money… but when I look at it, the most enjoyment I ever had was when I wasn't getting paid ANYTHING and still put into high stress environments.
I thrive entirely too well on being busy. And I don't mean as in "call after call we're busy" but more the fact that I have 12 tasks at hand and I need to accomplish them all by a certain time. There are deadlines to meet, printing to be done, and all while maintaining an awkward composure that I do.
I had jury duty today, and have to come back on the 27th of November if they decide to keep me based on how I answered the questions I answered today. But following jury duty I had to weave through traffic to get to work.
3 people are out sick and in an office of 5, that leaves one leg standing on its own and that leg certainly can't do everything. So, forgive me if I felt important, a bit of an ego puff coming in.
I love days where I have to answer calls, maintain the mail box and shipping document orders. It makes me go… Damn, I am awesome. When I complete everything and still have time to write up some silly little blog about how multiple tasks make me grin.
All I'm really missing is the IV injection of coffee… the water seems to be working at the moment.
I thrive entirely too well on being busy. And I don't mean as in "call after call we're busy" but more the fact that I have 12 tasks at hand and I need to accomplish them all by a certain time. There are deadlines to meet, printing to be done, and all while maintaining an awkward composure that I do.
I had jury duty today, and have to come back on the 27th of November if they decide to keep me based on how I answered the questions I answered today. But following jury duty I had to weave through traffic to get to work.
3 people are out sick and in an office of 5, that leaves one leg standing on its own and that leg certainly can't do everything. So, forgive me if I felt important, a bit of an ego puff coming in.
I love days where I have to answer calls, maintain the mail box and shipping document orders. It makes me go… Damn, I am awesome. When I complete everything and still have time to write up some silly little blog about how multiple tasks make me grin.
All I'm really missing is the IV injection of coffee… the water seems to be working at the moment.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Our minds are as different as our faces: we are all traveling to one destination
You know, over the course of a few days I've had some time to think – something I like to refrain from doing too much because it takes me in the spiral out of control into the dark shadows in my mind. It makes me remember the regrets and all the things that I missed out on doing.
But it also allows me to take a step back, and breathe in everything that I have done in 23-years of life. It allows me to also see what I have to look forward to and who I want to be.
But most of all this weekend allowed me to realize who I'd take with me if I had to give up all of my friends.
I was able to order the people in my life according to importance, and sadly people I figured would be high on my list, fell short. Mostly because I realize what kind of friends they are, and what there priorities are in life and how their life falls in or out of time with mine.
I want to find a basic harmony, where there isn't so much stress, there isn't so much drama – things just are and that's enough for me. ..
But it also allows me to take a step back, and breathe in everything that I have done in 23-years of life. It allows me to also see what I have to look forward to and who I want to be.
But most of all this weekend allowed me to realize who I'd take with me if I had to give up all of my friends.
I was able to order the people in my life according to importance, and sadly people I figured would be high on my list, fell short. Mostly because I realize what kind of friends they are, and what there priorities are in life and how their life falls in or out of time with mine.
I want to find a basic harmony, where there isn't so much stress, there isn't so much drama – things just are and that's enough for me. ..
"Some people come into our lives and quickley go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same."
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
I Have A Confession to Make ....
With the aid of my office's CD burner… I have burned about 8 copies of the Backstreet Boys New CD Unbreakable. The sad part is that 7 of those copies are for me. I don't want to scratch the original CD… So I created 7 copies of it WITH a label printed on the actual disc itself.
Now the first set of three, I did with just a picture and realized that it was a bit off, so I had to redo it. Plus when I inserted the disc into the drive, it didn't actually give the track names.
That's where the next four came into play. It's a bit more edited and refined as far as the label goes. I put the same picture on the CD's again, but now with the Unbreakable logo on it. Then I went through and edited the track titles so they would show up when you put the disc into a player.
And as I'm typing this up, I thought to myself, my god I could make personalized CD's with each individual backstreet boy's picture on a CD by itself. Yes, I went there… and now I'm twitching trying not to actually complete said task, because then I would have 12 CDs.. all of which I wouldn't want to give up….
And if you're wondering how my math is coming along and are thinking 3+4 does not = 8 it's because I have the "Test" CD with no label, just some sharpie writing on it. This CD was used to see if the machine would actually burn the tracks to the CD and too my surprise it did. – And I want that one too.
But one of the 8 (not my sharpie one and not one of the first) is going to my friend Kristin....If I can part with it.
Now the first set of three, I did with just a picture and realized that it was a bit off, so I had to redo it. Plus when I inserted the disc into the drive, it didn't actually give the track names.
That's where the next four came into play. It's a bit more edited and refined as far as the label goes. I put the same picture on the CD's again, but now with the Unbreakable logo on it. Then I went through and edited the track titles so they would show up when you put the disc into a player.
And as I'm typing this up, I thought to myself, my god I could make personalized CD's with each individual backstreet boy's picture on a CD by itself. Yes, I went there… and now I'm twitching trying not to actually complete said task, because then I would have 12 CDs.. all of which I wouldn't want to give up….
And if you're wondering how my math is coming along and are thinking 3+4 does not = 8 it's because I have the "Test" CD with no label, just some sharpie writing on it. This CD was used to see if the machine would actually burn the tracks to the CD and too my surprise it did. – And I want that one too.
But one of the 8 (not my sharpie one and not one of the first) is going to my friend Kristin....If I can part with it.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Why You Shouldn't Make Friends With Stubborn People
There’s always something that starts a friendship and it can be something so simplistic as “I like your crayons… can I sit with you?” to “I will fucking KILL HIM!” while a short blonde poodle haired girl plops down next to you in the hallway in what would be your first week of high school. Glancing at the girl you think to yourself, she couldn’t hurt a fly if she wanted to. And then you see the burning rage in her Fern green eyes, and you rethink your original thought and suddenly are stricken with fear, or at least a small version of it.
Now its not the fear of death, where your life flashes before your eyes at all, but more of a Dear-god-is-that-notebook-going-to-accidently-fly-out-of-her-hand-and-come-within-cetimeteres-of-my-forehead type of fear.
These events started this bizarre friendship that would lead to an identity crisis, a secret bond through books and the beginning stages of the Jess-Jenn abridged dictionary.
She would understand when I was babbling incoherently through sobs and tears, and I would understand her when she would be on one of her Tyrants where “the thing with the guy” was to be interpreted as, “I couldn’t see my date lasting that long with the blonde guy from barns and noble because he was wearing the wrong shade of blue, I’m afraid.” – Where we both took pride in the mere thought that if anything either of us would be able to understand the place in which we were coming from, regardless of our status in life.
So when the friendship comes to a screeching halt because one party becomes offended by actions of the other, it’s often that same party that throws all sorts of offensive words that the other party until they are equally pissed off at the other. And so begins the wait out period…because now neither party is willing to truly admit fault, and actually say sorry and mean it first.
The picture that should be painted here is a stand off- old western style. Where each party stares wrathfully into the other’s piercing eyes, fingers twitching against the sides of their belt, ready to pull the trigger, but neither one willing to make the first move.
And so the days pass in this same stance – or maybe I’m just the one who feels more, and allows it to show, so these moments of anger seem to drag and make me more frustrated. But I can’t stop now; it’ll only show a sign of weakness, a willingness to cave.
Now its not the fear of death, where your life flashes before your eyes at all, but more of a Dear-god-is-that-notebook-going-to-accidently-fly-out-of-her-hand-and-come-within-cetimeteres-of-my-forehead type of fear.
These events started this bizarre friendship that would lead to an identity crisis, a secret bond through books and the beginning stages of the Jess-Jenn abridged dictionary.
She would understand when I was babbling incoherently through sobs and tears, and I would understand her when she would be on one of her Tyrants where “the thing with the guy” was to be interpreted as, “I couldn’t see my date lasting that long with the blonde guy from barns and noble because he was wearing the wrong shade of blue, I’m afraid.” – Where we both took pride in the mere thought that if anything either of us would be able to understand the place in which we were coming from, regardless of our status in life.
So when the friendship comes to a screeching halt because one party becomes offended by actions of the other, it’s often that same party that throws all sorts of offensive words that the other party until they are equally pissed off at the other. And so begins the wait out period…because now neither party is willing to truly admit fault, and actually say sorry and mean it first.
The picture that should be painted here is a stand off- old western style. Where each party stares wrathfully into the other’s piercing eyes, fingers twitching against the sides of their belt, ready to pull the trigger, but neither one willing to make the first move.
And so the days pass in this same stance – or maybe I’m just the one who feels more, and allows it to show, so these moments of anger seem to drag and make me more frustrated. But I can’t stop now; it’ll only show a sign of weakness, a willingness to cave.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Of Mice and Men....
So theres a guy that I used to work with, who I accidentally drunken texted last night. The conversation went as so:
Me: Hey, Whats up?
Dan: Nothing, lying in bed
Me: Lame.
---- End of Conversation ----
So this morning he texts me with the following:
Dan: Poke
Me: Hey
Dan: you never did text me after waking me up last night.
Me: Sorry, I had been drinking
Dan: We're friends right
Me: Uh, Why are you asking
Dan: I'm just saying we both know we are friends and it will never be anything more than that
Me: Um, I've ALWAYS said that
Dan: lol I'm just making sure that u don't don't take any of my comments toward you in the wrong way is all.
Me: I take them as they are Dan, you need to get laid, you solicit me for it, which I always decline. The End
Dan:haha fair enough, I wont leave them for you anymore since u don't understand where Im coming from. So if you think Im some sex starved idiot, why do you message me?
Me: I only talk to you when really bored... and apparantly drunk.
Him: Wow Some friend I am.
Me: Well Dan, it comes down to how you treat women, most things you say are of a sexual nature.. sometimes its mildly amusing.
Dan: Shrug
Me: Just know that I know 2 people you've tried your lines with, and remember your act only works if there is an audience
Dan:lol act like I'm some malicious predator
Me: Nah, just a guy what wants sexy from anyone and pretends theres something more to his intentions. Don't be such an immature ass.
Dan: Thanks
Me: Just trying to help you out, we all think you're nice, its your routine that sucks.
First of all, the guy is trying to make me out to be the one that solicits him. Like I would REALLY have that big of a problem getting sex if I REALLY felt like being that easy. I'm easy, but not that freaking easy. And he pulls the same shit on two other people I've worked with and I think its ridiculous. Because he messages ME about a bulletin I posted about how "I'm jealous that you had sex on the 24th, I wish it were with me" Which I DID NOT respond to because I just went "that's never gonna happen"
His routine is, play this really innocent "I'm lonely and horny" role with some girls, using the same lines and it just comes off pathetic.
Me: Hey, Whats up?
Dan: Nothing, lying in bed
Me: Lame.
---- End of Conversation ----
So this morning he texts me with the following:
Dan: Poke
Me: Hey
Dan: you never did text me after waking me up last night.
Me: Sorry, I had been drinking
Dan: We're friends right
Me: Uh, Why are you asking
Dan: I'm just saying we both know we are friends and it will never be anything more than that
Me: Um, I've ALWAYS said that
Dan: lol I'm just making sure that u don't don't take any of my comments toward you in the wrong way is all.
Me: I take them as they are Dan, you need to get laid, you solicit me for it, which I always decline. The End
Dan:haha fair enough, I wont leave them for you anymore since u don't understand where Im coming from. So if you think Im some sex starved idiot, why do you message me?
Me: I only talk to you when really bored... and apparantly drunk.
Him: Wow Some friend I am.
Me: Well Dan, it comes down to how you treat women, most things you say are of a sexual nature.. sometimes its mildly amusing.
Dan: Shrug
Me: Just know that I know 2 people you've tried your lines with, and remember your act only works if there is an audience
Dan:lol act like I'm some malicious predator
Me: Nah, just a guy what wants sexy from anyone and pretends theres something more to his intentions. Don't be such an immature ass.
Dan: Thanks
Me: Just trying to help you out, we all think you're nice, its your routine that sucks.
First of all, the guy is trying to make me out to be the one that solicits him. Like I would REALLY have that big of a problem getting sex if I REALLY felt like being that easy. I'm easy, but not that freaking easy. And he pulls the same shit on two other people I've worked with and I think its ridiculous. Because he messages ME about a bulletin I posted about how "I'm jealous that you had sex on the 24th, I wish it were with me" Which I DID NOT respond to because I just went "that's never gonna happen"
His routine is, play this really innocent "I'm lonely and horny" role with some girls, using the same lines and it just comes off pathetic.
Friday, October 26, 2007
All your twisted thoughts free flow.
I could type up this huge rant that I’m sure would be surveyed under a microscope to check for any error at all. Even the slightest misspelling and then later mocked for.
Or I could do what I’ve wanted to do all a long.
Forfeit.
This is why I so desperately need to escape. And while “running away from my problems” wont solve them; it sure as hell will get me out of the place that I’ve come to hate with every fiber of my being. And I’d say that’s a start.
If I could leave now and tell no one... I would.
Or I could do what I’ve wanted to do all a long.
Forfeit.
This is why I so desperately need to escape. And while “running away from my problems” wont solve them; it sure as hell will get me out of the place that I’ve come to hate with every fiber of my being. And I’d say that’s a start.
If I could leave now and tell no one... I would.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
I didn’t even last a week.
Last Friday I got incredibly “rebellious” and decided I wanted to re-pierce my lip. Because I really liked the way it looked when I did have it.
Saturday my best friend said I looked like a Degenerate, she said it jokingly, but I knew she meant it, coming from a You-must-wear-stilettos-and-a-pencil-skirt-if-you-work-here type job and background.
Strike One.
Monday morning, I came into work, the first thing my boss said to me was that I couldn’t have it, even thought my prior boss had told me I could, as long as I put a band aid over it. My current boss informed me that I couldn’t have it, and had to take it out as soon as it heeled. Anyone else aware that piercing can take some time to heal, but I informed her that I could probably get a clear retainer for it within a week or so. But I was determined to be the “degenerate” that I was, and I really wanted this piercing.
Strike two.
I applied for a second job at the movie theater and part of their “Wardrobe 101” is that no facial piercing may be visible while at work. A.K.A, you have to take them out if you have them. I thought to myself, all right, I can get the retainer and keep that in when at work. I interviewed, and things looked really good – I apparently have to wait to see if I’m “rehire able” which, based on my track record (even if I DID give two weeks notice) they probably won’t. Hard to convince someone you’ve changed after 4 years I guess. And being the degenerate that I am, I doubt I’ll get the job. Which means I still need to continue my quest to find a second part time job.
Strike Three.
Cue to this morning at 10:00 AM, I could not stand the constant pain below my lower lip. I didn’t have this much irritation the first time I did it, and was getting tired of the soreness, and with all the Strikes against having it, I finally gave up my fight to have the piercing and took it out.
I didn’t even last a week.
Saturday my best friend said I looked like a Degenerate, she said it jokingly, but I knew she meant it, coming from a You-must-wear-stilettos-and-a-pencil-skirt-if-you-work-here type job and background.
Strike One.
Monday morning, I came into work, the first thing my boss said to me was that I couldn’t have it, even thought my prior boss had told me I could, as long as I put a band aid over it. My current boss informed me that I couldn’t have it, and had to take it out as soon as it heeled. Anyone else aware that piercing can take some time to heal, but I informed her that I could probably get a clear retainer for it within a week or so. But I was determined to be the “degenerate” that I was, and I really wanted this piercing.
Strike two.
I applied for a second job at the movie theater and part of their “Wardrobe 101” is that no facial piercing may be visible while at work. A.K.A, you have to take them out if you have them. I thought to myself, all right, I can get the retainer and keep that in when at work. I interviewed, and things looked really good – I apparently have to wait to see if I’m “rehire able” which, based on my track record (even if I DID give two weeks notice) they probably won’t. Hard to convince someone you’ve changed after 4 years I guess. And being the degenerate that I am, I doubt I’ll get the job. Which means I still need to continue my quest to find a second part time job.
Strike Three.
Cue to this morning at 10:00 AM, I could not stand the constant pain below my lower lip. I didn’t have this much irritation the first time I did it, and was getting tired of the soreness, and with all the Strikes against having it, I finally gave up my fight to have the piercing and took it out.
I didn’t even last a week.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Inconspicuously Me
Its dark in here, I cannot see
A world slowly consuming me.
Breach the obscurities,
and finally come clean,
Only to find myself in between.
I lay here fallen and disenchanted
Breaking the silence
pressing me close to your warmth
I'm only a breath from aberration
Moments away from disgrace.
Falling in pieces,
I have no name.
- Jennifer Marie
Any thoughts or ideas to make it better?
A world slowly consuming me.
Breach the obscurities,
and finally come clean,
Only to find myself in between.
I lay here fallen and disenchanted
Breaking the silence
pressing me close to your warmth
I'm only a breath from aberration
Moments away from disgrace.
Falling in pieces,
I have no name.
- Jennifer Marie
Any thoughts or ideas to make it better?
Thursday, October 11, 2007
A cooking Lesson, From The Cooking Retard
So I confess my female innate senses are not really intact and I can't really cook much of anything if it doesn't come out of a box.
I like to gloat that I can make chicken Parmesan and even Chicken cordon bleu, but the truth is, the times I made those dishes, I had the assistance of my friend Laura on both accounts. So together, we can make some awesome Chicken Parmesan and Chicken Cordon Bleu by following recipes from one of her families many cook books.
So, you'll find it no surprise that when I get in the meat section of a grocery store, if it isn't prepackaged and precooked, I have no idea what to do.
Hell, I don't even know how to tell what is a "good cut of meat" I just kind of, look at it and play roulette with the meat department. I'd even go as far to say as my roommate and I stood in the market just a few days ago, we both looked like a man in the tampon section.
She says, "I don't know how to do cook this, do you?"
and then I would look back at her with a blank expression and reply "no idea, theres hot dogs on sale?"
And I am not one to really eat hot dogs, as we grew up on mac and cheese, hot dogs and Ramen, so any of those 3 food items, I tend to steer clear from...Unless I'm desperate for food.
Well, Michelle and I got some raw meat from the meat section and our first night we grilled steak strips, a bit dry, but still good.
So tonight I come home, bent on cooking some of the chicken that we purchased on our little grocery shopping excursion, and when I got that chicken thawed I had to get past the "Ew you want me to touch that with my bare hands?" Because I'm the girl thats wearing zip lock bags to touch any raw meat - And just my luck, we're out of bags. So there I am with a fork and a piece of tinfoil trying to get the fork into the raw meat into a frying pan while pinching it with a piece of tinfoil
My Goal: Chicken and Rice with mushroom soup.
I started off by throwing the chicken in a skillet and cooking it a bit along with butter and some seasonings (Garlic salt/Pepper) Meanwhile, Ive started cooking some plain white rice.
Once the meat looked to be mostly cooked, I emptied the contents of the mushroom soup can into the skillet - praying that this all worked. I let that simmer for a bit, flipping the chicken over with a pancake turner, and then when the rice was finally was decently tender, and almost clear of water, I mixed it in with my chicken and soup concoction and allowed it to simmer.
The Result: Freaking Great.
My only complaint: Brown the chicken a bit longer.
I've conquered the chicken this time....
I like to gloat that I can make chicken Parmesan and even Chicken cordon bleu, but the truth is, the times I made those dishes, I had the assistance of my friend Laura on both accounts. So together, we can make some awesome Chicken Parmesan and Chicken Cordon Bleu by following recipes from one of her families many cook books.
So, you'll find it no surprise that when I get in the meat section of a grocery store, if it isn't prepackaged and precooked, I have no idea what to do.
Hell, I don't even know how to tell what is a "good cut of meat" I just kind of, look at it and play roulette with the meat department. I'd even go as far to say as my roommate and I stood in the market just a few days ago, we both looked like a man in the tampon section.
She says, "I don't know how to do cook this, do you?"
and then I would look back at her with a blank expression and reply "no idea, theres hot dogs on sale?"
And I am not one to really eat hot dogs, as we grew up on mac and cheese, hot dogs and Ramen, so any of those 3 food items, I tend to steer clear from...Unless I'm desperate for food.
Well, Michelle and I got some raw meat from the meat section and our first night we grilled steak strips, a bit dry, but still good.
So tonight I come home, bent on cooking some of the chicken that we purchased on our little grocery shopping excursion, and when I got that chicken thawed I had to get past the "Ew you want me to touch that with my bare hands?" Because I'm the girl thats wearing zip lock bags to touch any raw meat - And just my luck, we're out of bags. So there I am with a fork and a piece of tinfoil trying to get the fork into the raw meat into a frying pan while pinching it with a piece of tinfoil
My Goal: Chicken and Rice with mushroom soup.
I started off by throwing the chicken in a skillet and cooking it a bit along with butter and some seasonings (Garlic salt/Pepper) Meanwhile, Ive started cooking some plain white rice.
Once the meat looked to be mostly cooked, I emptied the contents of the mushroom soup can into the skillet - praying that this all worked. I let that simmer for a bit, flipping the chicken over with a pancake turner, and then when the rice was finally was decently tender, and almost clear of water, I mixed it in with my chicken and soup concoction and allowed it to simmer.
The Result: Freaking Great.
My only complaint: Brown the chicken a bit longer.
I've conquered the chicken this time....
Monday, October 08, 2007
Advice To The Army Guy: Make less awkward advances.
Alright, so let me take a few moments to confess how lame I truly am.
I decided since my best friend was signing up for E-Harmony or some other online "meet a guy" technique, that I would take the free route, and I posted an Ad on Craigslist. It got a few responses, some of people I am still talking to, but haven't met yet, except one. We'll call him Lt. Dan.
Let me just say, I may not be the best thing since sliced bread, but you better believe I can dress myself in such a fashion that I might be able to convince you for even for a moment that I am.
Lt. Dan was one step above wearing velcro shoes and having his mom pack his lunch for him. Not only did I have to remind him that I am not a "touchy-Touchy" person but I also had to dodge about 6 different attempts at him kissing me.
At one point we were at a book store (a good key to my heart) and he asks me if I enjoy reading, which is probably one of my favorite things to do and I said, I enjoy it quite a bit and that I currently had four books open that I was currently reading simultaneously. He responds with "oh really? maybe we can read together sometime." - Which might be considered cute, but with my background, Not even a little. And I declined, explaining that reading was personal for me.
Let me just explain where I'm coming from when I say not even a little. To me, reading is a personal thing. Like, some people like to be alone for masturbation and not share it with someone, I like to be alone when I'm reading and not share it with people. I will share what I am reading, but I will not share those few precious moments where I can crawl inside of a books head and stay hidden from the world around me. And having knowing this guy and having to tell him six separate times that I don't really like to be touched, I figure he'd be the kind to constantly stroke my hair like you would a cat in your lap, and at one point during this awkward disaster in my life, he did.
I should also mention before the nightmare ended, he did in fact try to "read with me" and did in fact read a few paragraphs out loud. Which leads me to believe, he doesn't understand the concept of No.
He lacked a basic fashion sense, there were a lot of awkward pauses, a lot of uncomfortable silences, a lot of uncomfortable and unnecessary touching and several poor attempts to kiss me. Oh and the cheesy "you're the prettiest girl in the room" lines were driving me nuts.
And I'm the one who feels like a judgmental ass hole because He was a nice, but weird freaking guy. And based on all my lectures I have received, maybe I should feel so lucky that the Captain of the Retards has chosen me to be his Galactic Princess.
I'll have to decline the crown this time.
I decided since my best friend was signing up for E-Harmony or some other online "meet a guy" technique, that I would take the free route, and I posted an Ad on Craigslist. It got a few responses, some of people I am still talking to, but haven't met yet, except one. We'll call him Lt. Dan.
Let me just say, I may not be the best thing since sliced bread, but you better believe I can dress myself in such a fashion that I might be able to convince you for even for a moment that I am.
Lt. Dan was one step above wearing velcro shoes and having his mom pack his lunch for him. Not only did I have to remind him that I am not a "touchy-Touchy" person but I also had to dodge about 6 different attempts at him kissing me.
At one point we were at a book store (a good key to my heart) and he asks me if I enjoy reading, which is probably one of my favorite things to do and I said, I enjoy it quite a bit and that I currently had four books open that I was currently reading simultaneously. He responds with "oh really? maybe we can read together sometime." - Which might be considered cute, but with my background, Not even a little. And I declined, explaining that reading was personal for me.
Let me just explain where I'm coming from when I say not even a little. To me, reading is a personal thing. Like, some people like to be alone for masturbation and not share it with someone, I like to be alone when I'm reading and not share it with people. I will share what I am reading, but I will not share those few precious moments where I can crawl inside of a books head and stay hidden from the world around me. And having knowing this guy and having to tell him six separate times that I don't really like to be touched, I figure he'd be the kind to constantly stroke my hair like you would a cat in your lap, and at one point during this awkward disaster in my life, he did.
I should also mention before the nightmare ended, he did in fact try to "read with me" and did in fact read a few paragraphs out loud. Which leads me to believe, he doesn't understand the concept of No.
He lacked a basic fashion sense, there were a lot of awkward pauses, a lot of uncomfortable silences, a lot of uncomfortable and unnecessary touching and several poor attempts to kiss me. Oh and the cheesy "you're the prettiest girl in the room" lines were driving me nuts.
And I'm the one who feels like a judgmental ass hole because He was a nice, but weird freaking guy. And based on all my lectures I have received, maybe I should feel so lucky that the Captain of the Retards has chosen me to be his Galactic Princess.
I'll have to decline the crown this time.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Reflections in My Utopia
In the form of quotes
"Looking back on the things I’ve done, I was trying to be someone, I played the part, kept you in the dark, now let me show you the shape of my heart" – Shape of My Heart (BSB)
"I find myself scared to let people close to me, I’m afraid that they will see how truly broken I am, and not want to be near me. Not want anything to do with me." – Myself.
I still feel this way.
"I want to be a photographer. I want to be a writer. I want to live the life of a vagabond, going from place to place, I don’t ever want to settle in one spot because I want to see the world. I want to be a teacher, I want to be a mom, I want to be a wife. I want adopt a child. I want to dance in both the Atlantic and pacific oceans. I want to get lost in someone’s eyes. I want to save a life. I want to be someone’s world. I want to be a teacher. I want to learn how to sing. I want to learn how to write. I want to own a house on a lake with so much land you have to take a car or a horse or a quad to the other side. I want to write a novel. Be in a magazine. Write for a magazine. Graduate college. I want to be someone." – Myself (Friday, August 4th, 2006)
I still want most of these things.
"Backbeat the word was on the street That the fire in your heart is out I’m sure you’ve heard it all before But you never But you never had a doubt I don’t believe that anybody feels The way I do about you now" – Wonderwall (Oasis/HowieDay/RyanAdams)
Pretty much the same, different people fit this song. New people, Old People. Good people. – Not so much bad people. Or a person specifically.
"I was having a conversation with someone tonight about being social outcast, and avoiding human interaction. Basically about being a wallflower and refusing to let people in, or more so being afraid to let people in, which I often find myself, worried over. Thoughts of what people will think of me if they knew the core of me...and then It made me think about why I have a need/want to be with someone. To get married, to experience life that way... and then I thought of a quote from a movie I watched today. Shall We Dance? In the movie one of the character says...
"We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ’Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness."
and I realized that this particular quote... hits me perfectly...Why I have to be around people, why I’m afraid to be alone... I need someone to witness my life...
- Myself
This would still be nice.
Looking back on old posts from over a year ago, I can’t help but feel I am better now. I still have problems and I still get down, but wow, not nearly as much as I used to. However, I feel like I’ve replaced the sadness with a bitter person. So I will have to work on that and maybe a year from now, I can be not bitter, but a genuinely happy person.
I’m still hopeful.
"Looking back on the things I’ve done, I was trying to be someone, I played the part, kept you in the dark, now let me show you the shape of my heart" – Shape of My Heart (BSB)
"I find myself scared to let people close to me, I’m afraid that they will see how truly broken I am, and not want to be near me. Not want anything to do with me." – Myself.
I still feel this way.
"I want to be a photographer. I want to be a writer. I want to live the life of a vagabond, going from place to place, I don’t ever want to settle in one spot because I want to see the world. I want to be a teacher, I want to be a mom, I want to be a wife. I want adopt a child. I want to dance in both the Atlantic and pacific oceans. I want to get lost in someone’s eyes. I want to save a life. I want to be someone’s world. I want to be a teacher. I want to learn how to sing. I want to learn how to write. I want to own a house on a lake with so much land you have to take a car or a horse or a quad to the other side. I want to write a novel. Be in a magazine. Write for a magazine. Graduate college. I want to be someone." – Myself (Friday, August 4th, 2006)
I still want most of these things.
"Backbeat the word was on the street That the fire in your heart is out I’m sure you’ve heard it all before But you never But you never had a doubt I don’t believe that anybody feels The way I do about you now" – Wonderwall (Oasis/HowieDay/RyanAdams)
Pretty much the same, different people fit this song. New people, Old People. Good people. – Not so much bad people. Or a person specifically.
"I was having a conversation with someone tonight about being social outcast, and avoiding human interaction. Basically about being a wallflower and refusing to let people in, or more so being afraid to let people in, which I often find myself, worried over. Thoughts of what people will think of me if they knew the core of me...and then It made me think about why I have a need/want to be with someone. To get married, to experience life that way... and then I thought of a quote from a movie I watched today. Shall We Dance? In the movie one of the character says...
"We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ’Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness."
and I realized that this particular quote... hits me perfectly...Why I have to be around people, why I’m afraid to be alone... I need someone to witness my life...
- Myself
This would still be nice.
Looking back on old posts from over a year ago, I can’t help but feel I am better now. I still have problems and I still get down, but wow, not nearly as much as I used to. However, I feel like I’ve replaced the sadness with a bitter person. So I will have to work on that and maybe a year from now, I can be not bitter, but a genuinely happy person.
I’m still hopeful.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
You Have Stolen, You have Stolen My Heart
I had so many stories to tell about my trip. Things I did, things that happened and now as I sit here in front of the keys they all seemed to have escaped my mind and I am sitting here feeling vacant.
I miss the smells of New Jersey, the things that I did, I miss the company I had. Don't get me wrong, my friends here are all amazing and wonderful, but I think I found the missing part of my puzzle – its not a person, its not a thing – it's a place. Something that I have come to find would make me feel more complete, more at home with myself. Just being there made me want to evoke changes in my life.
I spent Sunday in the city, it was awesome – Pretty much everything I've ever wanted and then some. I cannot even begin to find the words that can describe the feelings the emotions I had while there. Everything was at peace in my mind and It was like I knew this was where I had to be. When you're in New York City, it doesn't matter who you are when walking the streets, you're still just the same as everyone else there and you will get shoved around just the same. It was fantastic. I felt so small standing among these skyscrapers that towered over me making downtown look like step stools compared to these buildings.
Ground Zero was an incredibly sententious experience for me. It was like when I hear songs about certain things that always hit home. The hairs on my arms were raised, I felt shivers crawl down my spine. It put me in the heart of somewhere I was not used to being; and a whole new wave of compassion flooded through me.
Special Thank You to Jake for allowing me a place to crash, and for taking me on all these little adventures. It would not have been the same if it weren't for you. You are awesome and words really cannot express how thankful I am.
Another special thank you to Laura for fronting the money for me to go, without you I would not have been able to experience this, and I will pay you back ASAP. (More sooner than later)
I miss the smells of New Jersey, the things that I did, I miss the company I had. Don't get me wrong, my friends here are all amazing and wonderful, but I think I found the missing part of my puzzle – its not a person, its not a thing – it's a place. Something that I have come to find would make me feel more complete, more at home with myself. Just being there made me want to evoke changes in my life.
I spent Sunday in the city, it was awesome – Pretty much everything I've ever wanted and then some. I cannot even begin to find the words that can describe the feelings the emotions I had while there. Everything was at peace in my mind and It was like I knew this was where I had to be. When you're in New York City, it doesn't matter who you are when walking the streets, you're still just the same as everyone else there and you will get shoved around just the same. It was fantastic. I felt so small standing among these skyscrapers that towered over me making downtown look like step stools compared to these buildings.
Ground Zero was an incredibly sententious experience for me. It was like when I hear songs about certain things that always hit home. The hairs on my arms were raised, I felt shivers crawl down my spine. It put me in the heart of somewhere I was not used to being; and a whole new wave of compassion flooded through me.
Special Thank You to Jake for allowing me a place to crash, and for taking me on all these little adventures. It would not have been the same if it weren't for you. You are awesome and words really cannot express how thankful I am.
Another special thank you to Laura for fronting the money for me to go, without you I would not have been able to experience this, and I will pay you back ASAP. (More sooner than later)
Friday, September 21, 2007
That's Me In the Corner, That's Me In the Spot Light...
I wonder if anyone else thinks that changing the state you live in is like changing your religion. I say that because I think I had a religious experience today with the Jersey Shore, Jay and Silent Bobs Secret Stash, and the Quik Stop. (Pictures of all) And I’m defiantly thinking about changing my religion.
I didn’t know I could love n place so much, seriously. If I thought the type of person I was in California was much different, the type of person I feel like I am in jersey is 30x more different than that.
People who talk trash about jersey obviously have never been here. It’s pretty much amazing. The green trees, the towns, and the culture… the history here… I was excited about coming here just to see NYC (and Jake) but, I’ve fallen in love with the state of New Jersey as well. I mean, the area I am in is rather close to New York and all, but the stuff that there is to do around here amazes me. I could defiantly see myself living in a place like this.
Not to mention I can breathe here… and I don’t have a massive amount of snot or caked on boogers in my nose (I’m sure you wanted to know that)
More importantly, it was around 80 degrees today, which is considered hot, but it was amazing that I wore a long sleeve shirt (Rolled up to 3/4ths of course) but I didn’t think I was going to die, even with the humidity.
I played on the beach, ate an awesome sandwich, felt violated by a CD (Mr. Bungle) and got to hang out at a famous place and I totally met Steve-Dave (inadvertently)
Can I move all my friends here?
I didn’t know I could love n place so much, seriously. If I thought the type of person I was in California was much different, the type of person I feel like I am in jersey is 30x more different than that.
People who talk trash about jersey obviously have never been here. It’s pretty much amazing. The green trees, the towns, and the culture… the history here… I was excited about coming here just to see NYC (and Jake) but, I’ve fallen in love with the state of New Jersey as well. I mean, the area I am in is rather close to New York and all, but the stuff that there is to do around here amazes me. I could defiantly see myself living in a place like this.
Not to mention I can breathe here… and I don’t have a massive amount of snot or caked on boogers in my nose (I’m sure you wanted to know that)
More importantly, it was around 80 degrees today, which is considered hot, but it was amazing that I wore a long sleeve shirt (Rolled up to 3/4ths of course) but I didn’t think I was going to die, even with the humidity.
I played on the beach, ate an awesome sandwich, felt violated by a CD (Mr. Bungle) and got to hang out at a famous place and I totally met Steve-Dave (inadvertently)
Can I move all my friends here?
That
I wonder if anyone else thinks that changing the state you live in is like changing your religion. I say that because I think I had a religious experience today with the Jersey Shore, Jay and Silent Bobs Secret Stash, and the Quik Stop. (Pictures of all) And I’m defiantly thinking about changing my religion.
I didn’t know I could love n place so much, seriously. If I thought the type of person I was in California was much different, the type of person I feel like I am in jersey is 30x more different than that.
People who talk trash about jersey obviously have never been here. It’s pretty much amazing. The green trees, the towns, and the culture… the history here… I was excited about coming here just to see NYC (and Jake) but, I’ve fallen in love with the state of New Jersey as well. I mean, the area I am in is rather close to New York and all, but the stuff that there is to do around here amazes me. I could defiantly see myself living in a place like this.
Not to mention I can breathe here… and I don’t have a massive amount of snot or caked on boogers in my nose (I’m sure you wanted to know that)
More importantly, it was around 80 degrees today, which is considered hot, but it was amazing that I wore a long sleeve shirt (Rolled up to 3/4ths of course) but I didn’t think I was going to die, even with the humidity.
I played on the beach, ate an awesome sandwich, felt violated by a CD (Mr. Bungle) and got to hang out at a famous place and I totally met Steve-Dave (inadvertently)
Can I move all my friends here?
I didn’t know I could love n place so much, seriously. If I thought the type of person I was in California was much different, the type of person I feel like I am in jersey is 30x more different than that.
People who talk trash about jersey obviously have never been here. It’s pretty much amazing. The green trees, the towns, and the culture… the history here… I was excited about coming here just to see NYC (and Jake) but, I’ve fallen in love with the state of New Jersey as well. I mean, the area I am in is rather close to New York and all, but the stuff that there is to do around here amazes me. I could defiantly see myself living in a place like this.
Not to mention I can breathe here… and I don’t have a massive amount of snot or caked on boogers in my nose (I’m sure you wanted to know that)
More importantly, it was around 80 degrees today, which is considered hot, but it was amazing that I wore a long sleeve shirt (Rolled up to 3/4ths of course) but I didn’t think I was going to die, even with the humidity.
I played on the beach, ate an awesome sandwich, felt violated by a CD (Mr. Bungle) and got to hang out at a famous place and I totally met Steve-Dave (inadvertently)
Can I move all my friends here?
Thursday, September 20, 2007
It just got serious
I was in love before, but now I think it just got serious.
I got a text from my friend Katie saying “remember to come back.” I laughed when I read it, because surely I would come back, and now I’m sitting here wondering how I didn’t get out here sooner.
Jake took me to NYC last night, and can I just say, that was probably the BEST birthday gift ever?! I mean, I almost wet myself just seeing the skyline from the window of the airport, but at night. Wow. That city really doesn’t sleep! – We didn’t even get there until 11 PM and it was still busy as hell.
The culture, the differences were just, it was almost like shell shock.
So we ate at this place called Yum Yum Bangkok, and I have to admit, I only picked the place because of how ridiculous “Yum Yum” was. When we got there, I ordered and Iced tea, she mumbled something to me about Thai tea, and I thought, sure Thai tea sounds uh, like every other tea….It wasn’t. It was orange…. But it was good, it took a few sips to get used to the idea that I wasn’t drinking like, ice tea that I expect from Arizona and all, but it was good. New favorite drink for sure.
So that leads me to the menu – I didn’t understand one bit of it and it was all in English, so I found the noodle part, because Hell, I’m a fat kid, anything with noodles has to be good right? I kid you not; I just pointed at the menu at some random thing and said “that sounds good.”
And it was.
Ashley wasn’t joking when she said the skyline was the best at night. It was FABULOUS. Yes I said fabulous, speaking of fabulous, do you realize how many gay guys live in NYC? Good-god it would be like a “Fag-Hags” dream. – But they were dressed well.
After NYC, Jake took me to his old “hood” and uh, that’s not a hood. That was beautiful. The houses, the streets (did I mention everyone drives crazy out here? And white lines are more of a suggestion…) everything. It was all so pretty. And FYI – The beach I was at last night (5 minutes from his “hood”) had better sand than any California or Oregon beach. It was 10x softer, and the water was actually warmer than Oregon’s icy water in June.
How I’m going to get on that plane Monday morning; well… Guys, I’ll be seeing you….
Or maybe I won’t?
Hey, you’re supposed to do anything for love right?
P.S – I still love Chicago Pizza more!
I got a text from my friend Katie saying “remember to come back.” I laughed when I read it, because surely I would come back, and now I’m sitting here wondering how I didn’t get out here sooner.
Jake took me to NYC last night, and can I just say, that was probably the BEST birthday gift ever?! I mean, I almost wet myself just seeing the skyline from the window of the airport, but at night. Wow. That city really doesn’t sleep! – We didn’t even get there until 11 PM and it was still busy as hell.
The culture, the differences were just, it was almost like shell shock.
So we ate at this place called Yum Yum Bangkok, and I have to admit, I only picked the place because of how ridiculous “Yum Yum” was. When we got there, I ordered and Iced tea, she mumbled something to me about Thai tea, and I thought, sure Thai tea sounds uh, like every other tea….It wasn’t. It was orange…. But it was good, it took a few sips to get used to the idea that I wasn’t drinking like, ice tea that I expect from Arizona and all, but it was good. New favorite drink for sure.
So that leads me to the menu – I didn’t understand one bit of it and it was all in English, so I found the noodle part, because Hell, I’m a fat kid, anything with noodles has to be good right? I kid you not; I just pointed at the menu at some random thing and said “that sounds good.”
And it was.
Ashley wasn’t joking when she said the skyline was the best at night. It was FABULOUS. Yes I said fabulous, speaking of fabulous, do you realize how many gay guys live in NYC? Good-god it would be like a “Fag-Hags” dream. – But they were dressed well.
After NYC, Jake took me to his old “hood” and uh, that’s not a hood. That was beautiful. The houses, the streets (did I mention everyone drives crazy out here? And white lines are more of a suggestion…) everything. It was all so pretty. And FYI – The beach I was at last night (5 minutes from his “hood”) had better sand than any California or Oregon beach. It was 10x softer, and the water was actually warmer than Oregon’s icy water in June.
How I’m going to get on that plane Monday morning; well… Guys, I’ll be seeing you….
Or maybe I won’t?
Hey, you’re supposed to do anything for love right?
P.S – I still love Chicago Pizza more!
Monday, September 10, 2007
“YES! I have a pimple.”
Disclaimer - This post my be more information than you might have wanted to know.
I never thought I’d wake up and go “YES! I have a pimple.”
Does anyone even do that? Because I totally did. I guess I should rewind a bit and fill you in on the acne case. I have rather decent skin, usually void of any pimples of any sort until about 2-3 days before I start my period, in which case my chin or forehead turn into a planetary solar system of dots, usually the red throbbing I-have-my-own-heart-beat kind.
So Saturday morning I wake up and feel my chin, there’s a pimple, while it doesn’t hurt, I think it could be in its early breathing stages, so I shriek in joy “YES FINALLY!”
Thinking that I will get my period.
And that leads me to point B of this story. In about nine days I am leaving for a vacation trip in which I will be seeing a guy I am rather fond of, I intend on doing things of a questionable nature with him, but I fear nature may step in and laugh at me instead by causing the red sea to flow for 4 out of the 5 days I will be there.
This all explains why every time I go to the bathroom I eagerly await the spotting like a girl who thinks she may be pregnant does.
Anyone remember the movie where the Heart Is with Natalie Portman? I am reminded of a specific part when she had slept with someone and feared that she may be pregnant so she takes a test while at the town Library, and from behind closed doors you can hear her screams “YES OH GOD THANK YOU!”
I need that to happen to me within the next two to three days.
Anyone know of any voodoo magic I can do to get things moving along?
I never thought I’d wake up and go “YES! I have a pimple.”
Does anyone even do that? Because I totally did. I guess I should rewind a bit and fill you in on the acne case. I have rather decent skin, usually void of any pimples of any sort until about 2-3 days before I start my period, in which case my chin or forehead turn into a planetary solar system of dots, usually the red throbbing I-have-my-own-heart-beat kind.
So Saturday morning I wake up and feel my chin, there’s a pimple, while it doesn’t hurt, I think it could be in its early breathing stages, so I shriek in joy “YES FINALLY!”
Thinking that I will get my period.
And that leads me to point B of this story. In about nine days I am leaving for a vacation trip in which I will be seeing a guy I am rather fond of, I intend on doing things of a questionable nature with him, but I fear nature may step in and laugh at me instead by causing the red sea to flow for 4 out of the 5 days I will be there.
This all explains why every time I go to the bathroom I eagerly await the spotting like a girl who thinks she may be pregnant does.
Anyone remember the movie where the Heart Is with Natalie Portman? I am reminded of a specific part when she had slept with someone and feared that she may be pregnant so she takes a test while at the town Library, and from behind closed doors you can hear her screams “YES OH GOD THANK YOU!”
I need that to happen to me within the next two to three days.
Anyone know of any voodoo magic I can do to get things moving along?
Friday, September 07, 2007
Ode to Green Tea (with raspberry)
I got bored, I was at work... I had to write this silly little poem
Oh green tea with squirts of raspberry,
How I love thee.
You quench my thirst
And make me smile.
You refresh my mind,
Slurp Slurp.
Mmm, good till the last drop.
Gasp! The last drop,
You come too soon
For the green tea that I love
(with raspberry)
Alone sits the ice, void of
My green tea paradise.
Damn you Starbucks.
Damn you.
- Jennie Marie
Oh green tea with squirts of raspberry,
How I love thee.
You quench my thirst
And make me smile.
You refresh my mind,
Slurp Slurp.
Mmm, good till the last drop.
Gasp! The last drop,
You come too soon
For the green tea that I love
(with raspberry)
Alone sits the ice, void of
My green tea paradise.
Damn you Starbucks.
Damn you.
- Jennie Marie
Monday, August 13, 2007
Paradise will be kind of a Library
So – I’m excited because I bought two new books today. I bought Truth and Beauty by Ann Patchett, as suggested by my lovely best friend Jessica. And impulses buy of another book because it was only 4.00 Have you Seen Me? By Laura Denham because it seemed interesting.
So I will be diving back into my bookworm world and submerging myself into the lives of the characters unfolded in each book.
Not to mention I’m working on First Person Plural by Cameron West PhD, however, this book is more of a one chapter at a time kind of read as I have a feeling it will be very similar to When Rabbit Howls by Truddi Chase which was actually the first book in my life to ever “kick my ass.” As it was a very tough read and extremely emotional, I don’t think one side of my brain wasn’t molested by this book. It was defiantly a mind-fuck.
Woo.
"When we read a story, we inhabit it. The covers of the book are like a roof and four walls. What is to happen next will take place within the four walls of the story. And this is possible because the story's voice makes everything its own" - John Berger
So I will be diving back into my bookworm world and submerging myself into the lives of the characters unfolded in each book.
Not to mention I’m working on First Person Plural by Cameron West PhD, however, this book is more of a one chapter at a time kind of read as I have a feeling it will be very similar to When Rabbit Howls by Truddi Chase which was actually the first book in my life to ever “kick my ass.” As it was a very tough read and extremely emotional, I don’t think one side of my brain wasn’t molested by this book. It was defiantly a mind-fuck.
Woo.
"When we read a story, we inhabit it. The covers of the book are like a roof and four walls. What is to happen next will take place within the four walls of the story. And this is possible because the story's voice makes everything its own" - John Berger
Monday, July 30, 2007
never good with the follow through.
And here’s the part where I think I may be overly deranged or unhinged, heartless bitch even.
I heard that my mother tried to commit suicide and my thoughts were “I take it she wasn’t successful” Followed by “Figures, she never was good with the follow through.”
Normally, I would have some compassion of people who had thoughts or attempts at suicide, even people I don’t know. My heart always goes out to them and I always feel some sort of attachment to these people.
So why is it when a family member someone I’m supposed to be worried about does it and I all the sudden feel these cold icy doors shut and my compassion turn off?
Is it really that possibly to harbor such hate for someone who was supposed to have loved and nurtured you? I mean granted she never really did much of that, people look at me like I’m some kind of heartless person when I say I hate my mother and want nothing to do with her.
I thought it was common for dysfunctional families theses days. You wouldn’t believe how many hold fast to the idea of perfect family lives. Beatings are to be hush-hush, emotional abuse is to be tolerated. And neglect was probably just my need for attention right?
Perhaps I’m not crazy for everything I’ve done, for all these thoughts that would claw me with precision at night. How I felt so detached from my mother, so detached from anyone. It only makes sense that I detach myself from people now. And it only makes sense that I would even think the thoughts I thought of her. She really was never good with the follow through.
I heard that my mother tried to commit suicide and my thoughts were “I take it she wasn’t successful” Followed by “Figures, she never was good with the follow through.”
Normally, I would have some compassion of people who had thoughts or attempts at suicide, even people I don’t know. My heart always goes out to them and I always feel some sort of attachment to these people.
So why is it when a family member someone I’m supposed to be worried about does it and I all the sudden feel these cold icy doors shut and my compassion turn off?
Is it really that possibly to harbor such hate for someone who was supposed to have loved and nurtured you? I mean granted she never really did much of that, people look at me like I’m some kind of heartless person when I say I hate my mother and want nothing to do with her.
I thought it was common for dysfunctional families theses days. You wouldn’t believe how many hold fast to the idea of perfect family lives. Beatings are to be hush-hush, emotional abuse is to be tolerated. And neglect was probably just my need for attention right?
Perhaps I’m not crazy for everything I’ve done, for all these thoughts that would claw me with precision at night. How I felt so detached from my mother, so detached from anyone. It only makes sense that I detach myself from people now. And it only makes sense that I would even think the thoughts I thought of her. She really was never good with the follow through.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Take a look, its in a book, its Reading Rainbow.
Every book is always the same. I rush to fall into the lives of these fictional characters. Detaching myself from the world around me and become part of the book, living and breathing the characters.
I spend so many hours indulged in these books, and yet they always end the same way, with that mixed feeling of happiness and resentment that I read the book so fast and that it will soon be over.
I'm sitting here at work, about 20 pages from the end and I don't want it to end. Like a child begging for just five more minutes. It always amazes me how quickly I go through books. How many pages I can consume in only minutes, my eyes skilled and trained after many years of reading alone in my room as a child.
Maybe I was a bookworm, but what can I say, I'm addicted to the written world, its here that I can find a distraction from my life. And its one of the strongest bonds I hold with people. I like to think of books as "friendship bracelets" between a select few of my friends. It's a common ground, that is not the typical "we share the same favorite color" trend, but rather, we share an intellectual bond. Our own inside joke found in the pages that to some, are such a chore.
I spend so many hours indulged in these books, and yet they always end the same way, with that mixed feeling of happiness and resentment that I read the book so fast and that it will soon be over.
I'm sitting here at work, about 20 pages from the end and I don't want it to end. Like a child begging for just five more minutes. It always amazes me how quickly I go through books. How many pages I can consume in only minutes, my eyes skilled and trained after many years of reading alone in my room as a child.
Maybe I was a bookworm, but what can I say, I'm addicted to the written world, its here that I can find a distraction from my life. And its one of the strongest bonds I hold with people. I like to think of books as "friendship bracelets" between a select few of my friends. It's a common ground, that is not the typical "we share the same favorite color" trend, but rather, we share an intellectual bond. Our own inside joke found in the pages that to some, are such a chore.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
I need to make a change
How to say it like it is? Well basically I've been feeling less inclined to look at myself in the mirror. Less inclined to take photos of myself and even more so less inclined to be around people in a public setting.
In fact, Mostly I've just been disgusted with myself period. It started when a friend posted some pictures with me in them from a night on the town and when I looked at myself in these photos I cried.
Yea, I cried because I thought "is that what I really look like?" and just thought about how badly I criticize people for some of the same things that I do. Hypocritical to say the least. It just made me realize why everyone goes for my roommate or my friends...I'm pretty much disgusting.
And I take these photos that make me look oh so cute because its pretty much the only way for me to hold on to my sanity on myself. To actually make me have enough confidence to be me. Everyone always compliments me on my confidence and the way I "carry myself" and really its just this fake mask to hide the fact that I really do Not like the way I look and how much it pisses me off that I've tried diets and exercise without much success at all.
And of course I'm too poor to see a doctor about it, for now anyway.
I just don't want to be 30 years old and unhappy and single...I mean if I'm 30 and single, thats fine, but I can't see my life getting very much better.
It also bothers me that I can't find clothes to fit me that aren't extremely expensive or hideous. I love fashion, I love clothes, I just cannot afford to be fat - I can't afford the prices it cost to buy something cheaply made that will fall apart in one use. It makes me jealous of my friends. Because they can spend as much as I do on one single item and it be designer...
Venzia is not designer. Neither is Just My Size. And what kind of cruel fat joke is that name anyway?
In fact, Mostly I've just been disgusted with myself period. It started when a friend posted some pictures with me in them from a night on the town and when I looked at myself in these photos I cried.
Yea, I cried because I thought "is that what I really look like?" and just thought about how badly I criticize people for some of the same things that I do. Hypocritical to say the least. It just made me realize why everyone goes for my roommate or my friends...I'm pretty much disgusting.
And I take these photos that make me look oh so cute because its pretty much the only way for me to hold on to my sanity on myself. To actually make me have enough confidence to be me. Everyone always compliments me on my confidence and the way I "carry myself" and really its just this fake mask to hide the fact that I really do Not like the way I look and how much it pisses me off that I've tried diets and exercise without much success at all.
And of course I'm too poor to see a doctor about it, for now anyway.
I just don't want to be 30 years old and unhappy and single...I mean if I'm 30 and single, thats fine, but I can't see my life getting very much better.
It also bothers me that I can't find clothes to fit me that aren't extremely expensive or hideous. I love fashion, I love clothes, I just cannot afford to be fat - I can't afford the prices it cost to buy something cheaply made that will fall apart in one use. It makes me jealous of my friends. Because they can spend as much as I do on one single item and it be designer...
Venzia is not designer. Neither is Just My Size. And what kind of cruel fat joke is that name anyway?
Thursday, July 12, 2007
And so it is, just like you said it would be
I laid there in the dark, my mind twisting over the fact that I had to be up in a few hours. The humid air, caused my hair to matte against the nape of my neck and forehead.
Its July. A sort of interesting month for me where two unexpected things have happened to me in retrospective years. Two things that I have spent countless hours, nights, days thinking about. Sometimes even crying... And yet of the two things that have happened to me in this excruciatingly hot month, I regret only one.
I don't regret him. And so, thoughts of him fill my mind. Simple things, what he was doing at that exact moment, or what he looked like the last time I saw him. How he ignores my presence when I see him in public places.
Or how, that fateful evening when he drove to my house and picked me up and we got lost together. Just that entire evening left me so nervous, so uneasy.
I remember sitting in his parents car, as close to the window as possible, fear of touching him, even brushing my arm against his. Eventually settling into the awkwardness and poking at him as we got lost behind mountains in the dark, discussing things I can't remember and driving down curving roads; passing several animals. Particularly one that would make me do the "Coyote face" in which he would tease me about in months to come.
From the first kiss to the last, I can't help but be thankful for all that relationship has taught me about the human mind and is abilities to transcend into a dark place and then lift itself out, scared, but still effective. All that its taught me about the ability to keep ones true self from the world. And how much he still can calm me down, by just being present. It baffles me, how much I got lost in the nothingness in such a short time.
And I remember how things went from indolent to extreme in a matter of weeks. And how the extreme changed everything I ever knew, and I saw a person, I never want to see again. And how, strangely things ended and facades were melted. The truth to a reality...and the word to a song pungent in my mind...
"I guess it wasn't really right, I guess it wasn't meant to be it didn't matter what they said 'Cause we were good in bed I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight for all the wrong reasons..."
And yet, I still miss him.
Its July. A sort of interesting month for me where two unexpected things have happened to me in retrospective years. Two things that I have spent countless hours, nights, days thinking about. Sometimes even crying... And yet of the two things that have happened to me in this excruciatingly hot month, I regret only one.
I don't regret him. And so, thoughts of him fill my mind. Simple things, what he was doing at that exact moment, or what he looked like the last time I saw him. How he ignores my presence when I see him in public places.
Or how, that fateful evening when he drove to my house and picked me up and we got lost together. Just that entire evening left me so nervous, so uneasy.
I remember sitting in his parents car, as close to the window as possible, fear of touching him, even brushing my arm against his. Eventually settling into the awkwardness and poking at him as we got lost behind mountains in the dark, discussing things I can't remember and driving down curving roads; passing several animals. Particularly one that would make me do the "Coyote face" in which he would tease me about in months to come.
From the first kiss to the last, I can't help but be thankful for all that relationship has taught me about the human mind and is abilities to transcend into a dark place and then lift itself out, scared, but still effective. All that its taught me about the ability to keep ones true self from the world. And how much he still can calm me down, by just being present. It baffles me, how much I got lost in the nothingness in such a short time.
And I remember how things went from indolent to extreme in a matter of weeks. And how the extreme changed everything I ever knew, and I saw a person, I never want to see again. And how, strangely things ended and facades were melted. The truth to a reality...and the word to a song pungent in my mind...
"I guess it wasn't really right, I guess it wasn't meant to be it didn't matter what they said 'Cause we were good in bed I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight for all the wrong reasons..."
And yet, I still miss him.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Things That Do Not Fly Well With ME
I've had the fortunate and unfortunate experience with men. As I talk to quite a few, either in my daily life, or even on myspace and other chat programs (AIM/Yahoo.) and I discovered from this, that there are 5 GUARANTEED ways to make me go "ugh..." I don't think its THAT harsh of requirements.....
1. People who correct me. I do not need you to correct me, I know the errors I make and often correct myself. If I don't It was intentionally done that way, please do not argue with me over that fact. Unless you speak/type perfect and proper English - I don't want to hear it. - Not even a little.
2. Arrogance. If theres anything I hate more is arrogance. Please do not bother me with your offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride. The "Puff Up Puff Up" defense does NOT work well with me.
3. Use of any "recreational" drugs. Sorry, but its an instant turn off if a guy does drugs. By recreational drugs I do not mean alcohol, however, I can mean it if it becomes a factor in which you have to have daily to function. Weed, 'Shrooms, Acid, Meth etc are examples of how to NOT get my attention.
4. People who do not exercise "Hygienic Maintenance." By this I mean, showering regularly (by regularly, I mean daily,) use of deodorant, finding your razor, I know at times it can get lost and for whatever stupid reason you feel it's time to grow that "Shaggy" three haired chin pubes on your face but trust me, I'll find you more attractive if you are well groomed. This does not mean you cannot have facial hair, it just means it has to be taken care of. And for god sake, brush your teeth.
5. Ignorance. Please do not fake intelligence with me. As my friend Meg said, "Intelligence makes me wet." and by this I mean, I will find your knowledge of more than just sports impressive especially if you can hold a conversation with me. Remember, it takes two people to have a conversation, or one person with multiple personalities. I am not that person, therefor I do not want to be the one having to ask all the questions. Bonus points if you take the time to get to know me, that's truly sexy.
I know I may be asking for a lot from the general male population, but I'm pretty sure that there are many guys who find these guidelines easy to follow.
- Jennie
1. People who correct me. I do not need you to correct me, I know the errors I make and often correct myself. If I don't It was intentionally done that way, please do not argue with me over that fact. Unless you speak/type perfect and proper English - I don't want to hear it. - Not even a little.
2. Arrogance. If theres anything I hate more is arrogance. Please do not bother me with your offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride. The "Puff Up Puff Up" defense does NOT work well with me.
3. Use of any "recreational" drugs. Sorry, but its an instant turn off if a guy does drugs. By recreational drugs I do not mean alcohol, however, I can mean it if it becomes a factor in which you have to have daily to function. Weed, 'Shrooms, Acid, Meth etc are examples of how to NOT get my attention.
4. People who do not exercise "Hygienic Maintenance." By this I mean, showering regularly (by regularly, I mean daily,) use of deodorant, finding your razor, I know at times it can get lost and for whatever stupid reason you feel it's time to grow that "Shaggy" three haired chin pubes on your face but trust me, I'll find you more attractive if you are well groomed. This does not mean you cannot have facial hair, it just means it has to be taken care of. And for god sake, brush your teeth.
5. Ignorance. Please do not fake intelligence with me. As my friend Meg said, "Intelligence makes me wet." and by this I mean, I will find your knowledge of more than just sports impressive especially if you can hold a conversation with me. Remember, it takes two people to have a conversation, or one person with multiple personalities. I am not that person, therefor I do not want to be the one having to ask all the questions. Bonus points if you take the time to get to know me, that's truly sexy.
I know I may be asking for a lot from the general male population, but I'm pretty sure that there are many guys who find these guidelines easy to follow.
- Jennie
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Guess Who's Excited...
Its me.
I get to go to NYC... I will be like 30-40-50... Erm, Close enough to NYC on my birthday and it will be freaking AMAZING. Seriously. I am 12 kinds of excited.
My friend Laura (who btw ROCKS! and will be getting beach sand) booked my flight for me, since they were rather cheap (210 RT) and I will be forever grateful to her because Yea, I've always wanted to go to NYC....
And, I get to stay with someone who's kind of awesome. YAY!
AND I get to and Minnesota, New Jersey, New York and Tennessee to the list of states I've been to, and my goal is to have been to all 48 contiguous states by the time I'm 40...
So far...
Arizona
California
New Mexico
Texas
Missouri
Illinois
Kentucky
Oregon
Nevada
Indiana
Woo hoo!
I get to go to NYC... I will be like 30-40-50... Erm, Close enough to NYC on my birthday and it will be freaking AMAZING. Seriously. I am 12 kinds of excited.
My friend Laura (who btw ROCKS! and will be getting beach sand) booked my flight for me, since they were rather cheap (210 RT) and I will be forever grateful to her because Yea, I've always wanted to go to NYC....
And, I get to stay with someone who's kind of awesome. YAY!
AND I get to and Minnesota, New Jersey, New York and Tennessee to the list of states I've been to, and my goal is to have been to all 48 contiguous states by the time I'm 40...
So far...
Arizona
California
New Mexico
Texas
Missouri
Illinois
Kentucky
Oregon
Nevada
Indiana
Woo hoo!
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
School may be out, but I'm still thinkin' about it.
I'm trying to go back to school, but now that I'm heading back (or attempting anyway) I've been doing some research and trying to figure out what exactly I want to attain degree wise.
First of all, thanks to my past job, I realized how heavily into marketing and the entire advertising concept. Well, Palantir (high school newspaper) is responsible for the advertising bit. But I remember going to different marketing meetings at Intuit and thinking "whoa, I should do this, I could totally see myself doing this kind of job." So thats kind of a different side of me, that I don't think many people were aware of.
Marketing Degree
-Pros-
It's something I could honestly see myself doing.
I'd learn quite a bit (I like learning)
Its actually a high paying field if you get in right.
It's completely different from what people would think I'd want.
-Cons-
- Theres about 8 math classes required.
- Plus the 2-3 that I will have to take to get up to regular math standards.
- That is a lot of math...
- I hate math...
- I could end up working for K-mart.
Arts Degree with a concentration on Photography
We've all seen what I do with a camera....
- Pros -
- Its Photography.
- There would be a lot of art type classes.
- Its less grueling.
- If I play my cards right, I could be in a pretty exciting career.
- Cons -
- Art degree majors go on to work at Michaels.
Journalism
Radio Fascinates me however, If I were to do print journalism, I'd want to have to do with more page layout and design than writing/reporting.
- Pros -
- I could go for an audio/video journalism degree
- Could mean a career in Radio. (I've always wanted this)
- Or Behind the scenes for a TV station. (The perks could be good)
- I loved journalism in H.S
- Cons -
- I really can't write THAT well.
- I could get stuck never working in radio
- I could go on to work at Wal-Mart
So the choices are there, and now I'm looking for your input....
Do I go with a marketing degree, with a photography minor. Do I go with just the art degree, or do I go Journalism, and pursue a career in radio.... Because either way, I'd be happy with any of these degrees. I'm looking for the some input from people who aren't me, because they might see something I don't and know something I don't....
So what should I do?
First of all, thanks to my past job, I realized how heavily into marketing and the entire advertising concept. Well, Palantir (high school newspaper) is responsible for the advertising bit. But I remember going to different marketing meetings at Intuit and thinking "whoa, I should do this, I could totally see myself doing this kind of job." So thats kind of a different side of me, that I don't think many people were aware of.
Marketing Degree
-Pros-
It's something I could honestly see myself doing.
I'd learn quite a bit (I like learning)
Its actually a high paying field if you get in right.
It's completely different from what people would think I'd want.
-Cons-
- Theres about 8 math classes required.
- Plus the 2-3 that I will have to take to get up to regular math standards.
- That is a lot of math...
- I hate math...
- I could end up working for K-mart.
Arts Degree with a concentration on Photography
We've all seen what I do with a camera....
- Pros -
- Its Photography.
- There would be a lot of art type classes.
- Its less grueling.
- If I play my cards right, I could be in a pretty exciting career.
- Cons -
- Art degree majors go on to work at Michaels.
Journalism
Radio Fascinates me however, If I were to do print journalism, I'd want to have to do with more page layout and design than writing/reporting.
- Pros -
- I could go for an audio/video journalism degree
- Could mean a career in Radio. (I've always wanted this)
- Or Behind the scenes for a TV station. (The perks could be good)
- I loved journalism in H.S
- Cons -
- I really can't write THAT well.
- I could get stuck never working in radio
- I could go on to work at Wal-Mart
So the choices are there, and now I'm looking for your input....
Do I go with a marketing degree, with a photography minor. Do I go with just the art degree, or do I go Journalism, and pursue a career in radio.... Because either way, I'd be happy with any of these degrees. I'm looking for the some input from people who aren't me, because they might see something I don't and know something I don't....
So what should I do?
Monday, May 28, 2007
A Poem.
I am the asshole.
I am the asshole,
who hates it when the person I just slept with
Talks about who he just slept with,
its not me.
I am the asshole,
who strung someone along,
and lost a good friend.
Its my fault.
I am the asshole,
who wears their heart on their sleave,
even if its shattered.
I'm still me.
I am the asshole,
who can verbally lash out
without a thought.
It's my fault.
I am the asshole,
who cries alone
in the middle of the night.
crushed, is me.
I am the asshole,
Who never had very much but still
was there for everyone.
I'm Still me.
I am the asshole,
who gets attached easily, and
hurt just the same.
It's still my fault.
Because why?
Because I amthe asshole.
I am the asshole,
who hates it when the person I just slept with
Talks about who he just slept with,
its not me.
I am the asshole,
who strung someone along,
and lost a good friend.
Its my fault.
I am the asshole,
who wears their heart on their sleave,
even if its shattered.
I'm still me.
I am the asshole,
who can verbally lash out
without a thought.
It's my fault.
I am the asshole,
who cries alone
in the middle of the night.
crushed, is me.
I am the asshole,
Who never had very much but still
was there for everyone.
I'm Still me.
I am the asshole,
who gets attached easily, and
hurt just the same.
It's still my fault.
Because why?
Because I amthe asshole.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
20 things I've learned lately.
Within recent and non recent events I have noticed the true meaning to cause and effect. For every action, there is a reaction. As so, a single butterfly's wings fluttering could cause something outrageous to happen clear across the world. The butterfly effect.
From different events in my life I have gained experience and knowledge. I have found the salvation I thought I needed was truly there all along. And that I only now realize it after several events and several people who have touched my life.
In life, we draw from experiences. Some of them good, some of them bad, they make us who are are.... these are all things, I've learned lately.
1. I have a vivid imagination.
2. I have the power to make and break someone.
3. I don't like that power.
4. I have a guilty conscience.
5. Some people think its better to live a lie, then tell the truth.
6. I am an idiot.
7. I am sorry.
8. I am easily angered.
9. I can't take back what's already happened.
10. Some people look for excuses to blame others for their own naive minds.
11. Life happens.
12. I've come undone.
13. People truly are hypocrites.
14. I love myself more now then I ever have.
15. I risked everything, for nothing.
16. I need to apply said risk in more situations.
17. I really am sorry.
18. I do not like lying.
19. I am too vindictive for my own good.
20. I have nowhere to go but up.
From different events in my life I have gained experience and knowledge. I have found the salvation I thought I needed was truly there all along. And that I only now realize it after several events and several people who have touched my life.
In life, we draw from experiences. Some of them good, some of them bad, they make us who are are.... these are all things, I've learned lately.
1. I have a vivid imagination.
2. I have the power to make and break someone.
3. I don't like that power.
4. I have a guilty conscience.
5. Some people think its better to live a lie, then tell the truth.
6. I am an idiot.
7. I am sorry.
8. I am easily angered.
9. I can't take back what's already happened.
10. Some people look for excuses to blame others for their own naive minds.
11. Life happens.
12. I've come undone.
13. People truly are hypocrites.
14. I love myself more now then I ever have.
15. I risked everything, for nothing.
16. I need to apply said risk in more situations.
17. I really am sorry.
18. I do not like lying.
19. I am too vindictive for my own good.
20. I have nowhere to go but up.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
"Save Me From The Nothing I've Become"
It's quarter to five in the morning and I'm up and ready to go... why? Because I've been sleeping entire days away.
I'm finding that I'm more apt to be asleep then to be awake, its like subconsciously, my body is shutting down way more than it used to and I realized tonight that I may be slipping into some sort of depression.
My life is anything but good right now, I mean, it could always be much worse, but lately my fears have been haunting me a bit more. I find myself not wanting to hang with friends, and really just wanting to sleep. Which is bizarre for me as I am centered around my friends and generally feeling happy.
Conversations generally go like this:
Friend: What do you want to do?
Me: I personally, want to go home. (and then I do, and just fall asleep)
I've been avoiding talking to my grandma for the past two days. I think she's called me about 30+ times, every time, I just silence the ringer and turn over, back to sleep. Or if I am awake, I just ignore it then. I feel bad, because she asked me to come over and I avoided it because for some reason, my mind cannot take the questioning that she will give me.
Do you have a job yet? Where have you applied? When are you going to apply at Mcdonald's?
And just being grilled with these questions makes me want to burst into instant tears because No I don't have a job yet, I've had over 15 interviews within the last two weeks and yet, no job. It's making me rethink who I am, and the thoughts are not pleasant. I'm beginning to feel worthless and hopeless. I suppose thats normal. But I can't work at Mcdonalds, I know that would push me over the edge and then, life wouldn't be worth living.
I'm not saying that people who work at Mcdonalds are worthless, really what I'm saying is based on the status role I was raised in, working at Mcdonalds would mean failure for me. If you've read my stupid surveys, you'd know, failure is my biggest fear. It's not an option.
I'm 22-years-old and I have yet to have a stable life. Every thing is always going every which way and It's like I can't grasp anything at all. And every time I feel like yes, something might be going well, I feel it slip between my fingers, like a child grabbing a handful of sand....and there it goes, and I'm left with a grimy feeling. Somehow, this is all my fault.
It's like the only stability I ever had was the years I lived with my brother, and even then, it never felt right. I always felt like a burden. I always felt like my mother.
Even worse, when I'm with family its like I can hear them saying "there goes the family fuck up" - they probably aren't saying that in that exact wording or phrasing. But I don't feel comfortable around them. Ever since the incident, I feel like I am nothing. Like they are watching my every move... everyone waiting for me to fall again, because that is the pattern my mother always made.
She would do so well and then slip and fall. Her falls were always low and her highs were always high where one would start to believe "maybe this is the time, she changes, this is it." and then somewhere, she slips up.
Why is it that the person I hate the most, is the one I feel like I am? That thought alone, almost crushes me.
I'm finding that I'm more apt to be asleep then to be awake, its like subconsciously, my body is shutting down way more than it used to and I realized tonight that I may be slipping into some sort of depression.
My life is anything but good right now, I mean, it could always be much worse, but lately my fears have been haunting me a bit more. I find myself not wanting to hang with friends, and really just wanting to sleep. Which is bizarre for me as I am centered around my friends and generally feeling happy.
Conversations generally go like this:
Friend: What do you want to do?
Me: I personally, want to go home. (and then I do, and just fall asleep)
I've been avoiding talking to my grandma for the past two days. I think she's called me about 30+ times, every time, I just silence the ringer and turn over, back to sleep. Or if I am awake, I just ignore it then. I feel bad, because she asked me to come over and I avoided it because for some reason, my mind cannot take the questioning that she will give me.
Do you have a job yet? Where have you applied? When are you going to apply at Mcdonald's?
And just being grilled with these questions makes me want to burst into instant tears because No I don't have a job yet, I've had over 15 interviews within the last two weeks and yet, no job. It's making me rethink who I am, and the thoughts are not pleasant. I'm beginning to feel worthless and hopeless. I suppose thats normal. But I can't work at Mcdonalds, I know that would push me over the edge and then, life wouldn't be worth living.
I'm not saying that people who work at Mcdonalds are worthless, really what I'm saying is based on the status role I was raised in, working at Mcdonalds would mean failure for me. If you've read my stupid surveys, you'd know, failure is my biggest fear. It's not an option.
I'm 22-years-old and I have yet to have a stable life. Every thing is always going every which way and It's like I can't grasp anything at all. And every time I feel like yes, something might be going well, I feel it slip between my fingers, like a child grabbing a handful of sand....and there it goes, and I'm left with a grimy feeling. Somehow, this is all my fault.
It's like the only stability I ever had was the years I lived with my brother, and even then, it never felt right. I always felt like a burden. I always felt like my mother.
Even worse, when I'm with family its like I can hear them saying "there goes the family fuck up" - they probably aren't saying that in that exact wording or phrasing. But I don't feel comfortable around them. Ever since the incident, I feel like I am nothing. Like they are watching my every move... everyone waiting for me to fall again, because that is the pattern my mother always made.
She would do so well and then slip and fall. Her falls were always low and her highs were always high where one would start to believe "maybe this is the time, she changes, this is it." and then somewhere, she slips up.
Why is it that the person I hate the most, is the one I feel like I am? That thought alone, almost crushes me.
Friday, May 11, 2007
make believe, close your eyes..
You know what I hate about myself? that I actually allow myself to get my hopes up. That I allow myself to like people enough that it really bends me out of shape if I don't see them.
I mean really, what good does that do me to have these attachments? It doesn't do any good, I've been walking around all day with the mopiest attitude. All for what? So that when I go to bed at night I can feel stupid for not only feeling the way I do, but also allowing myself to be subject to these feelings. I wish I could control my feelings, like truly be able to grab them, reel them in before it happens. Just stop it cold.
Unfortunately I do not have that capability and so I torture myself.
I realized today that I have a fear of guys, in the way that I have conditioned myself to feel like shit if a guy shows even the slightest interest. I over analyze situations and I always wonder what the alternative motive behind it is. I feel like all guys want are a fuck or a trophy girl and I am by no means a trophy girl.
I feel like all that matters to a guy is what their buddy will think, seriously. Like, the main purpose for a guy (other than sex) is to bag a girl that would make their best friend jealous.
I'm not that girl.
I'm lousy in bed because I'm too insecure about the way I look to just let go and have fun. On top of it all I'm so neurotic about being clean that even sweat grosses me out, and being that sex usually involves some sort of wet issue, it doesn't work well with me.
So, what exactly do I have going for me that a guy would REALLY want... Personality? Please, that's only a lie.
"'ll believe all your lies just pretend you love me make believe, close your eyes..I'll be anything for you..."
I mean really, what good does that do me to have these attachments? It doesn't do any good, I've been walking around all day with the mopiest attitude. All for what? So that when I go to bed at night I can feel stupid for not only feeling the way I do, but also allowing myself to be subject to these feelings. I wish I could control my feelings, like truly be able to grab them, reel them in before it happens. Just stop it cold.
Unfortunately I do not have that capability and so I torture myself.
I realized today that I have a fear of guys, in the way that I have conditioned myself to feel like shit if a guy shows even the slightest interest. I over analyze situations and I always wonder what the alternative motive behind it is. I feel like all guys want are a fuck or a trophy girl and I am by no means a trophy girl.
I feel like all that matters to a guy is what their buddy will think, seriously. Like, the main purpose for a guy (other than sex) is to bag a girl that would make their best friend jealous.
I'm not that girl.
I'm lousy in bed because I'm too insecure about the way I look to just let go and have fun. On top of it all I'm so neurotic about being clean that even sweat grosses me out, and being that sex usually involves some sort of wet issue, it doesn't work well with me.
So, what exactly do I have going for me that a guy would REALLY want... Personality? Please, that's only a lie.
"'ll believe all your lies just pretend you love me make believe, close your eyes..I'll be anything for you..."
Saturday, April 07, 2007
What hurts most....
So yea, I hate the fact that I have feelings and that peoples actions make me jealous/upset/pissed off/Irritated/Depressed/Forgotten.
I think I hit an all time pathetic low - And I'm discovering this anger thats building inside of me is rapidly boiling.
I'm really wishing I could forget as easily as some people do, or let go as easily as some people do, but its all rejection to me and in my eyes, rejection is failure. Sad outlook, but its basically what I've been conditions to know. I fail at friendships constantly... and instead of just saying "what the hell" and moving forward, I think about all the things I did wrong and how I deserve all of the shit that happens to me.
I've been in a weird funk...hopefully within the next week or two, someone will be able to make me smile again....but I don't want to speak too soon and get my hopes up. Because disappointment and Jennie, go hand in hand.
I cried today - and the reason? Try, someone put ice in my shirt, and I got pissed and thats what actually broke the tears. I'm just frustrated with life, everything really, Its really hard to even make an improvement in my life because of this fucking pending felony. I can't even get approved for a freaking apartment.
Some stupid lady at this one apartment almost flicked on my rage trigger, because the criteria was "people with felonies will not be accepted" and my Potential roommate asked "so, you don't think people who commit felons should be given a second chance?" and the lady was like "nope."
Which is exactly why people like me who made a freaking mistake find it hard to even get back up after the legal blow. I can't get a job in any of the fields I'm qualified to work in because I have a pending felon.
I'm in this freaking program to "Prevent repeat offenses" and I can't go to my family easter party because its not a "family illness" and I have to go to my stupid "Feelings meeting" where they try and teach you how to have "adult responsibility" and make the right choices and its like... How about teach us how to find jobs that will pay well enough for us to actually support ourselves? - Sure the feelings stuff might help if I actually had time to cry. I mean sure, its nice to know "yea, I'm not the only one living in a self-induced hell."
and Yes, I did learn a thing or two from it all, but not nearly worth the many times I've spent starring at the carpet and counting the dots in the ceiling as someone told some sob story of how they wish they were dead. This isn't suicide prevention, its "Adult Responsibility."
I guess, I'm just tired of it all...its shit like this that makes me so angry and want to be like "fuck it" because its like "here's 14 more weights on top of the normal weights everyone else gets"
I'm a fucking loser.
And I love how the cops told my grandma to press charges when she was going to drop them Of course they're going to tell her to do so...that's their fucking job..."how to get more money for the state!" The cops said "she'll never learn"
The fuck I wont, I've never had a bad record in my life, the day I got handcuffed.. that was pretty much it right there that was my "oh shit this is serious" wake up call.
Someone asked me whats the memory that stand out in my mind the most and I couldn't tell them anything happy... and I know I have a lot of happy moments - these are all just moments I can say vague things about.
Ask me about the day I got arrested, and I can tell you everything. Every little detail from the time to what I was wearing or what I was thinking.
Everything.
How badly I was shaking. How scared I was, and how badly my head pounded for 14 hours because of crying so violently from fear.
The person who booked me asked me "Do you think you will have a future?"
And I remember shaking my head, my face red from crying, my mind spinning and at that moment, it was like I saw my life fall to pieces. And I cried some more.
I love that my most vivid memory is of something shitty...
Things might be rapidly changing in the next few weeks and not to be vague, but lets just say, I forfeit.
Hope all is well with everyone.
I think I hit an all time pathetic low - And I'm discovering this anger thats building inside of me is rapidly boiling.
I'm really wishing I could forget as easily as some people do, or let go as easily as some people do, but its all rejection to me and in my eyes, rejection is failure. Sad outlook, but its basically what I've been conditions to know. I fail at friendships constantly... and instead of just saying "what the hell" and moving forward, I think about all the things I did wrong and how I deserve all of the shit that happens to me.
I've been in a weird funk...hopefully within the next week or two, someone will be able to make me smile again....but I don't want to speak too soon and get my hopes up. Because disappointment and Jennie, go hand in hand.
I cried today - and the reason? Try, someone put ice in my shirt, and I got pissed and thats what actually broke the tears. I'm just frustrated with life, everything really, Its really hard to even make an improvement in my life because of this fucking pending felony. I can't even get approved for a freaking apartment.
Some stupid lady at this one apartment almost flicked on my rage trigger, because the criteria was "people with felonies will not be accepted" and my Potential roommate asked "so, you don't think people who commit felons should be given a second chance?" and the lady was like "nope."
Which is exactly why people like me who made a freaking mistake find it hard to even get back up after the legal blow. I can't get a job in any of the fields I'm qualified to work in because I have a pending felon.
I'm in this freaking program to "Prevent repeat offenses" and I can't go to my family easter party because its not a "family illness" and I have to go to my stupid "Feelings meeting" where they try and teach you how to have "adult responsibility" and make the right choices and its like... How about teach us how to find jobs that will pay well enough for us to actually support ourselves? - Sure the feelings stuff might help if I actually had time to cry. I mean sure, its nice to know "yea, I'm not the only one living in a self-induced hell."
and Yes, I did learn a thing or two from it all, but not nearly worth the many times I've spent starring at the carpet and counting the dots in the ceiling as someone told some sob story of how they wish they were dead. This isn't suicide prevention, its "Adult Responsibility."
I guess, I'm just tired of it all...its shit like this that makes me so angry and want to be like "fuck it" because its like "here's 14 more weights on top of the normal weights everyone else gets"
I'm a fucking loser.
And I love how the cops told my grandma to press charges when she was going to drop them Of course they're going to tell her to do so...that's their fucking job..."how to get more money for the state!" The cops said "she'll never learn"
The fuck I wont, I've never had a bad record in my life, the day I got handcuffed.. that was pretty much it right there that was my "oh shit this is serious" wake up call.
Someone asked me whats the memory that stand out in my mind the most and I couldn't tell them anything happy... and I know I have a lot of happy moments - these are all just moments I can say vague things about.
Ask me about the day I got arrested, and I can tell you everything. Every little detail from the time to what I was wearing or what I was thinking.
Everything.
How badly I was shaking. How scared I was, and how badly my head pounded for 14 hours because of crying so violently from fear.
The person who booked me asked me "Do you think you will have a future?"
And I remember shaking my head, my face red from crying, my mind spinning and at that moment, it was like I saw my life fall to pieces. And I cried some more.
I love that my most vivid memory is of something shitty...
Things might be rapidly changing in the next few weeks and not to be vague, but lets just say, I forfeit.
Hope all is well with everyone.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Don't know how else to say it....
Can we say frustration much?
Seriously.
I've been trying hard not to totally explode on people and just unload every thought and emotion I have about whatever is bothering me because really, who wants to listen to someone's troubles? Not very many people and if they do listen they give these reject responses that do nothing by make me more frustrated. But then thats probably my own fault, of course.
There are so many things that are just irritating the hell out of me and if I try and get someone to listen to me vent, I just feel bad for even opening my mouth and question why I even feel the way I do.
Am I just an uptight person?
Or do I just suck THAT much to be around, that people can't really even make plans to hang out. I guess when I say I want to talk, really I don't want to talk I just want to do something that takes me mind off of all the shit thats going on in my life.
Rents due, and not to be a total jerk, but I'm willing to bet that my roommate doesn't have her share. I do, even though I just got laid off, I have the money for that. We got our first months phone bill, thats more than I expected it to be and neither of us have a job.
Is it sad that I think I'll have a job before my roommate gets one? Because she hasn't been working for two weeks....I get worried and frustrated because I'm the only one paying for anything. Money is coming up missing and so is a lot of my stuff and if it isn't missing its broken, and if its broken, of course I don't get told unless I happen to stumble upon it.
I expect people to be grown up about things, but apparently thats asking too much. Just like me asking for solid plans from people is too much. They can't ever say "yea, We'll do this" because they want to leave the door open just in case something better comes along... Because apparently I'm not worth it.
Please, reject me some more because I don't already feel like the worlds biggest reject. I can't even use my own god damned judgment to pick something good, I always end up picking the wrong thing.
Feeling fucking fantastic.
Seriously.
I've been trying hard not to totally explode on people and just unload every thought and emotion I have about whatever is bothering me because really, who wants to listen to someone's troubles? Not very many people and if they do listen they give these reject responses that do nothing by make me more frustrated. But then thats probably my own fault, of course.
There are so many things that are just irritating the hell out of me and if I try and get someone to listen to me vent, I just feel bad for even opening my mouth and question why I even feel the way I do.
Am I just an uptight person?
Or do I just suck THAT much to be around, that people can't really even make plans to hang out. I guess when I say I want to talk, really I don't want to talk I just want to do something that takes me mind off of all the shit thats going on in my life.
Rents due, and not to be a total jerk, but I'm willing to bet that my roommate doesn't have her share. I do, even though I just got laid off, I have the money for that. We got our first months phone bill, thats more than I expected it to be and neither of us have a job.
Is it sad that I think I'll have a job before my roommate gets one? Because she hasn't been working for two weeks....I get worried and frustrated because I'm the only one paying for anything. Money is coming up missing and so is a lot of my stuff and if it isn't missing its broken, and if its broken, of course I don't get told unless I happen to stumble upon it.
I expect people to be grown up about things, but apparently thats asking too much. Just like me asking for solid plans from people is too much. They can't ever say "yea, We'll do this" because they want to leave the door open just in case something better comes along... Because apparently I'm not worth it.
Please, reject me some more because I don't already feel like the worlds biggest reject. I can't even use my own god damned judgment to pick something good, I always end up picking the wrong thing.
Feeling fucking fantastic.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
If my past is any sign of my future.
So after a bizarre dream I had last night I woke up with my brain already drilling me with questions and thoughts.
It could be the stresses I already have with current life situations that I have a habit of putting myself in out of my lack of judgment or ability to have poor judgment.
What kind of reject am I if someone with major problems doesn’t even want me? Its like, if I can’t get the hinky one eyed reject, what makes me think I’ll ever get anyone better?
I’ve thought about how I try to hold on to relationships that I have for whatever stupid reason, and as I think back on them, I wonder to myself why?
I’m pissed off that people can fall in love with “glorified” personas of me, but not me.
Am I that so unhinged that the only thing I can attract are weirdoes who just want me for sexual reasons? - don’t get me wrong I like sex, I just like it more with meaning, Yea, I’m such a girl for that reason. Heaven forbid I want to be seen as more than a sex object.
Do I have a sign that says “Use me” – I’m tired of allowing myself to be such a doormat to people.
Must work on that.
Also, Quote of the Week:
“When people talk behind your back it’s because you are too much of a coward to know the truth and turn and face them and stand up for yourself.” – Myself
(I may have jumped the guns on my blatant and retarded post before.)
It could be the stresses I already have with current life situations that I have a habit of putting myself in out of my lack of judgment or ability to have poor judgment.
What kind of reject am I if someone with major problems doesn’t even want me? Its like, if I can’t get the hinky one eyed reject, what makes me think I’ll ever get anyone better?
I’ve thought about how I try to hold on to relationships that I have for whatever stupid reason, and as I think back on them, I wonder to myself why?
I’m pissed off that people can fall in love with “glorified” personas of me, but not me.
Am I that so unhinged that the only thing I can attract are weirdoes who just want me for sexual reasons? - don’t get me wrong I like sex, I just like it more with meaning, Yea, I’m such a girl for that reason. Heaven forbid I want to be seen as more than a sex object.
Do I have a sign that says “Use me” – I’m tired of allowing myself to be such a doormat to people.
Must work on that.
Also, Quote of the Week:
“When people talk behind your back it’s because you are too much of a coward to know the truth and turn and face them and stand up for yourself.” – Myself
(I may have jumped the guns on my blatant and retarded post before.)
Friday, March 02, 2007
I must be fine cause my hearts still beating
So I got my IPOD, its freaking amazing. I’m slowly but surely getting all my CDS transferred onto it and it excites me. It makes work go by much quicker. It’s more tolerable.
Down side, it came with 1000 awesomely cool classic rock songs and I was totally psyched. And then when I was trying to add my own music, I totally deleted all of the songs that were on there.
I was bummed.
So yes, I feel like I’ve entered the 21st century... FINALLY.
Down side, it came with 1000 awesomely cool classic rock songs and I was totally psyched. And then when I was trying to add my own music, I totally deleted all of the songs that were on there.
I was bummed.
So yes, I feel like I’ve entered the 21st century... FINALLY.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Don’t look down, you’ll fall down, you’ll become the sacrifice.
So I guess, I’m happy. Is that okay for me to say at the stage in my life that I am in?
I mean sure I have something’s that upset me, and are making things a bit harder, but I’m generally happy.
I realized this when I was at work, and I was thinking about how much I smile more at work, and how I’m actually happy to be around people and such.
I realized that certain situations I had put myself in, in the past weren’t making me happy all around. It wasn’t just affecting my home life, but my life inside of work. I was never a smiley type. If someone asked me how I was, I was “okay,” I guess now when people ask me how I am I’m usually “great” or “good” which is way better than “okay.”
I’m very content. I love my new place, even the location isn’t THAT bad, or at least I haven’t noticed. Things are going well. My roommate makes me laugh on a daily basis, it’s like we live together and it’s not just us living in the same house. We actually converse there are few texts – unless of course we’re being silly. We hang out. We’re friends. I don’t feel like I’m “intruding.” Its Fantastic. It’s like I was living alone, but I have someone to talk to... best of both worlds.
Another thing I noticed was I was happy from the start of this. Previous situations I was feeling awkward had the sense that it wasn’t going to be right.
So yay for being happy!
I mean sure I have something’s that upset me, and are making things a bit harder, but I’m generally happy.
I realized this when I was at work, and I was thinking about how much I smile more at work, and how I’m actually happy to be around people and such.
I realized that certain situations I had put myself in, in the past weren’t making me happy all around. It wasn’t just affecting my home life, but my life inside of work. I was never a smiley type. If someone asked me how I was, I was “okay,” I guess now when people ask me how I am I’m usually “great” or “good” which is way better than “okay.”
I’m very content. I love my new place, even the location isn’t THAT bad, or at least I haven’t noticed. Things are going well. My roommate makes me laugh on a daily basis, it’s like we live together and it’s not just us living in the same house. We actually converse there are few texts – unless of course we’re being silly. We hang out. We’re friends. I don’t feel like I’m “intruding.” Its Fantastic. It’s like I was living alone, but I have someone to talk to... best of both worlds.
Another thing I noticed was I was happy from the start of this. Previous situations I was feeling awkward had the sense that it wasn’t going to be right.
So yay for being happy!
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Before you call a technical support line..
Before you call a technical support line, here are 20 things you should know.
1. Do not yell at us, we don’t care. In fact, we’re less likely to assist you if you are yelling at us. Didn’t your mother ever tell you yelling never solved anything? And if you do in fact insist on yelling or being generally rude, you are SO getting a time out. (I.E we will disconnect the call and you can “think” about what you did while waiting another 30-40 minutes for someone to answer the phone... We don’t suggest you continue yelling when the next agent answers.)
2. Do not use the “Puff Up” tactic. – Again, we don’t care. You can be Prince Ali Ababa, and we really don’t care. If you would like to inform us that you are Doctor James Johnson, Fantastic, you spent a lot of money on a title that really won’t do much for you when you call a technical support number. Maybe in your little “club” will you get recognition, but here... you are the same moron calling in for help just like every other peon person you disregard on the street.
3.Please do not waste my time by telling me what you had for breakfast or who you saw at the store.
4. If you have annoying pets (birds, yapping dogs, children...) Please lock them in a closet, the basement, the attic or put them outside before you call. Thank you.
5. Your attitude problem will not get you better results.
6. Speaking to our supervisors 9 time out of 10, will do NOTHING but have you waste someone else minesweeper time to get the same answer that we just gave you.
7. Your petty little “competitor threats” mean nothing to us. Maybe in the sales retention department would they care, however, you are calling technical support, there for you are causing us to work, and to actually not have conversations with co-workers. So if you decide to switch to the competitor because of something we cannot control like how the Bank of America website isn’t allowing you to click a link and you’ve called Fast Tax for assistance, you made the wrong call buddy, not me.
8. This goes along with number one, remember, you are calling me for help, treat me nice, and I will assist you. Treat me badly, and your question may or may not be answered.
9. Because we are technical support, does not mean we can fix other peoples errors and if we can, we probably wont, because that’s not our job (i.e. if windows is having a problem and giving you an error message, call Microsoft... not FastTax)
10. Please do not eat while talking into the phone, your slurps and gurgles are gross.
11. On that note as well, please do not talk to use while you are in the bathroom, when we here the toilet flushing us, we instantly want to release your call and set you back into the 40-50 minute wait you just had.
12. Don’t tell us how many years you have used this product, we probably weren’t with the company back then, and if we were, we wouldn’t be answering the freaking phone.
13. If you are on hold for a long time, chances are we are really busy, do not complain about the hold time, we’re just as busy answering call after call... We get it. Theres a really long hold time, maybe if you would stop calling we wouldn’t have a problem now would we?
14. For the love of god, please do not call us if you have dial-up. Upgrade your technology, and if you can’t, why the hell did you move to the middle of Bumble feck anyway? – I guess that’s the price you have to pay for silence.
15. If you don't meet the System Requirement, don't call us and complain.
16. Please learn how to read.... Even the small print.
17. Learn how to enunciate words, mumblers will not be helped. – If you mumble, I may switch on “India accent” and then neither of us will be able to understand what’s going on.
18. If you do not know at least basic Computer 101, please hang up, take a class on computer usage, pass course with at least a B grade then call us back. We may require proof of passing grade. And yes, there will be a test.
19. I am the expert. Not your family or friends. You called me, not them.
20. If you cannot follow these guidelines within reason, you will not be assisted, because I will be forced to experience some "technical difficulties” when I hang up on your dumb @$$.
1. Do not yell at us, we don’t care. In fact, we’re less likely to assist you if you are yelling at us. Didn’t your mother ever tell you yelling never solved anything? And if you do in fact insist on yelling or being generally rude, you are SO getting a time out. (I.E we will disconnect the call and you can “think” about what you did while waiting another 30-40 minutes for someone to answer the phone... We don’t suggest you continue yelling when the next agent answers.)
2. Do not use the “Puff Up” tactic. – Again, we don’t care. You can be Prince Ali Ababa, and we really don’t care. If you would like to inform us that you are Doctor James Johnson, Fantastic, you spent a lot of money on a title that really won’t do much for you when you call a technical support number. Maybe in your little “club” will you get recognition, but here... you are the same moron calling in for help just like every other peon person you disregard on the street.
3.Please do not waste my time by telling me what you had for breakfast or who you saw at the store.
4. If you have annoying pets (birds, yapping dogs, children...) Please lock them in a closet, the basement, the attic or put them outside before you call. Thank you.
5. Your attitude problem will not get you better results.
6. Speaking to our supervisors 9 time out of 10, will do NOTHING but have you waste someone else minesweeper time to get the same answer that we just gave you.
7. Your petty little “competitor threats” mean nothing to us. Maybe in the sales retention department would they care, however, you are calling technical support, there for you are causing us to work, and to actually not have conversations with co-workers. So if you decide to switch to the competitor because of something we cannot control like how the Bank of America website isn’t allowing you to click a link and you’ve called Fast Tax for assistance, you made the wrong call buddy, not me.
8. This goes along with number one, remember, you are calling me for help, treat me nice, and I will assist you. Treat me badly, and your question may or may not be answered.
9. Because we are technical support, does not mean we can fix other peoples errors and if we can, we probably wont, because that’s not our job (i.e. if windows is having a problem and giving you an error message, call Microsoft... not FastTax)
10. Please do not eat while talking into the phone, your slurps and gurgles are gross.
11. On that note as well, please do not talk to use while you are in the bathroom, when we here the toilet flushing us, we instantly want to release your call and set you back into the 40-50 minute wait you just had.
12. Don’t tell us how many years you have used this product, we probably weren’t with the company back then, and if we were, we wouldn’t be answering the freaking phone.
13. If you are on hold for a long time, chances are we are really busy, do not complain about the hold time, we’re just as busy answering call after call... We get it. Theres a really long hold time, maybe if you would stop calling we wouldn’t have a problem now would we?
14. For the love of god, please do not call us if you have dial-up. Upgrade your technology, and if you can’t, why the hell did you move to the middle of Bumble feck anyway? – I guess that’s the price you have to pay for silence.
15. If you don't meet the System Requirement, don't call us and complain.
16. Please learn how to read.... Even the small print.
17. Learn how to enunciate words, mumblers will not be helped. – If you mumble, I may switch on “India accent” and then neither of us will be able to understand what’s going on.
18. If you do not know at least basic Computer 101, please hang up, take a class on computer usage, pass course with at least a B grade then call us back. We may require proof of passing grade. And yes, there will be a test.
19. I am the expert. Not your family or friends. You called me, not them.
20. If you cannot follow these guidelines within reason, you will not be assisted, because I will be forced to experience some "technical difficulties” when I hang up on your dumb @$$.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Things are looking “Grown up” for me
So, I moved into my new “own” place. I have a fantastic roommate who’s extremely cool and an awesome apartment, even though it’s slightly ghetto.
It’s a two story apartment where the living room and Kitchen are downstairs and both bedrooms and the bathroom are up stairs of doom – which means no drinking and walking up and/or down stairs. (Possible pictures to come?)
I spent 500.00 some odd dollars paying off some tickets I had on payment plans and I bought a 20 GB? IPod on eBay for 120.00 roughly, so I’m excited to get that.
I also get a home phone and internet connection installed on Friday. Things are looking “Grown up” for me.... It’s entirely too weird.
Wish me luck.
It’s a two story apartment where the living room and Kitchen are downstairs and both bedrooms and the bathroom are up stairs of doom – which means no drinking and walking up and/or down stairs. (Possible pictures to come?)
I spent 500.00 some odd dollars paying off some tickets I had on payment plans and I bought a 20 GB? IPod on eBay for 120.00 roughly, so I’m excited to get that.
I also get a home phone and internet connection installed on Friday. Things are looking “Grown up” for me.... It’s entirely too weird.
Wish me luck.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Pay Tribute to my "Husband's" band On V-Day
On this Valentines Day, I would like to pay tribute to a band that shaped my Tween and Teen years....
So Maybe I’m really lame, but every time I hear a backstreet boy song (like now) I get an odd retarded smile that spreads across my face like some sort of infectious disease.
Makes me go back to the days when it was okay that I would bust out the folding chairs and practice the dance moves to “As Long As You Love Me.” But rest assured I do not do that anymore, but that could be because I don’t have a folding chair... Yea, that’s the reason!
I love the innocence of youth, how a band can rule your world and create the best bonds ever. My friends from Junior High school shared the backstreet boy bond with me even if we were ridiculed by other kids. In fact, this bond didn’t stop in Junior high, some of us carried it into high school and we still weren’t afraid to show our Backstreet Pride, and I can honestly tell you right now I am still, at the age of 22, not afraid to show my backstreet pride.
I love their CD’s, (even if I look back now and think, ‘wow, those lyrics are such cheese!’) I love what they did for me as a band, I loved that I could invent pretend worlds in my head where I was marrying a member of the band and I love that it reconnected me with a friend I thought I might have lost.
The Backstreet Boys were my Beatles – because yes, the Beatles were a boy band, regardless of what you might think, and the Beatles were epic.
So Maybe I’m really lame, but every time I hear a backstreet boy song (like now) I get an odd retarded smile that spreads across my face like some sort of infectious disease.
Makes me go back to the days when it was okay that I would bust out the folding chairs and practice the dance moves to “As Long As You Love Me.” But rest assured I do not do that anymore, but that could be because I don’t have a folding chair... Yea, that’s the reason!
I love the innocence of youth, how a band can rule your world and create the best bonds ever. My friends from Junior High school shared the backstreet boy bond with me even if we were ridiculed by other kids. In fact, this bond didn’t stop in Junior high, some of us carried it into high school and we still weren’t afraid to show our Backstreet Pride, and I can honestly tell you right now I am still, at the age of 22, not afraid to show my backstreet pride.
I love their CD’s, (even if I look back now and think, ‘wow, those lyrics are such cheese!’) I love what they did for me as a band, I loved that I could invent pretend worlds in my head where I was marrying a member of the band and I love that it reconnected me with a friend I thought I might have lost.
The Backstreet Boys were my Beatles – because yes, the Beatles were a boy band, regardless of what you might think, and the Beatles were epic.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Happy Single's Awareness Day! - True to its Name
Why is it that if you are alone on valentines’ day you are all the sudden unhappy? Is it okay to be single and okay with it? Or is that just not allowed?
Are we (singles) supposed to be upset about not being in a relationship to share a day that was created by card and candy companies to raid us of our money?
I’m not really saying this as a disgruntled single person. I’m saying it because I had a conversation with someone and they were asking me about hooking up some people with some other people and I stated it’s not my job to play cupid. And apparently his question had bad timing because valentines’ day is tomorrow and I’m obviously supposed to be bent out of shape because of this.
I’m not at all concerned about tomorrow. I don’t care if I get a dozen roses, or a card, or a candy. I don’t care if someone decides to shower me with gifts that I will more than likely throw away or tuck away in a closet never too be looked at again. And Do I really need the chocolates? I’m already fat. So I think I’m good.
I’m comfortable with myself in the “situation” I am in that tomorrow will come and go, like any other day.
And for the record, I have TWO Valentines’... So was it really bad timing or just poor judgment and assumption?
Are we (singles) supposed to be upset about not being in a relationship to share a day that was created by card and candy companies to raid us of our money?
I’m not really saying this as a disgruntled single person. I’m saying it because I had a conversation with someone and they were asking me about hooking up some people with some other people and I stated it’s not my job to play cupid. And apparently his question had bad timing because valentines’ day is tomorrow and I’m obviously supposed to be bent out of shape because of this.
I’m not at all concerned about tomorrow. I don’t care if I get a dozen roses, or a card, or a candy. I don’t care if someone decides to shower me with gifts that I will more than likely throw away or tuck away in a closet never too be looked at again. And Do I really need the chocolates? I’m already fat. So I think I’m good.
I’m comfortable with myself in the “situation” I am in that tomorrow will come and go, like any other day.
And for the record, I have TWO Valentines’... So was it really bad timing or just poor judgment and assumption?
Thursday, February 08, 2007
“That’s awfully big, don’t I need that?”
**WARNING** So, the guys may want to skip over this. Maybe even cover your eyes and go “la-la-la” Because this is about to take a turn. A turn I’m sure you don’t even want to go on. But if you read on, in all fairness, you were warned.
So there’s something about the female body that each month the insides pretty much have to purge itself, we all know this as a period. The End of a sentence... So as we all (Females) become aware of our cycles and the things our body emits, I can’t help but wonder, “That’s awfully big, don’t I need that?”
I swear to god, I thought a clot was the size of a small child and that some how my body and rejected a vital organ in the midst of "spring cleaning" that just so happens to be a pain in the ass we lovely refer to as “aunt flo, coming for a visit" each month.
Seriously, as if pimples and back ache weren’t enough. Very funny God, Very funny.
So there’s something about the female body that each month the insides pretty much have to purge itself, we all know this as a period. The End of a sentence... So as we all (Females) become aware of our cycles and the things our body emits, I can’t help but wonder, “That’s awfully big, don’t I need that?”
I swear to god, I thought a clot was the size of a small child and that some how my body and rejected a vital organ in the midst of "spring cleaning" that just so happens to be a pain in the ass we lovely refer to as “aunt flo, coming for a visit" each month.
Seriously, as if pimples and back ache weren’t enough. Very funny God, Very funny.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Chicken came out of where?!
I don’t know, maybe I wasn’t as observant, maybe I didn’t have a lot of snot as a kid. But I have become acutely aware of how much I blow my nose. I apparently am FULL of snot, because I cannot go a day without blowing my nose. And Heaven forbid I cough while eating a food substance, because that’ll get lodged up my nose.
Not to be too graphic, but I totally just had a piece of chicken come out of my nose. That’s freaking gross. Why does my body do such odd things?
Not to be too graphic, but I totally just had a piece of chicken come out of my nose. That’s freaking gross. Why does my body do such odd things?
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
FastTax (the New LIFE!)
Does anyone else find it weird that I enjoy creating people with imaginary lives and taxes inside of my work’s program?
I mean I get genuine enjoyment out of creating these people and their own jobs and how much they paid and what kind of property they own. How many Kids (or deductions they’ll get. What kind of donations they did through out the year. It’s like playing the game of Life® with taxes.
Is that weird?
I mean I get genuine enjoyment out of creating these people and their own jobs and how much they paid and what kind of property they own. How many Kids (or deductions they’ll get. What kind of donations they did through out the year. It’s like playing the game of Life® with taxes.
Is that weird?
Monday, January 29, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
A FastTax Employee Rant....
You’ve probably all heard the saying “Kids say the Darndest things”….
How about Customers say the darndest things? Because really…
I had a guy say to me (exact quote) "I'm working on my return, and it asked me to save a couple times, but I didn't because I wasn't concerned about my computer crashing. But then I installed the state and it restarted the program, where’s my data I entered?"
I’ve also had a guy ask me if underscore was one word or two, with that a co-worker just recently had a customer spell out the word underscore.
Another co-worker actually had a customer shout (and we do mean shout,) “YOU’RE A LIVE PERSON!” when he answered the phone.
And one time, though it was rare, I had a guy that I can assume was from India (at one point in time) based on the accent, actually say to me “thank god you’re in the united states.”
Furthermore, I just wish that customers would allow me to talk and not give me a novel answer. When I ask "Did you install the product onto your computer," a simple yes would suffice….
I don't need to know the computer's life story, nor do I need to know how you got into your car, drove to the store, picked up milk and FastTax and put it on your computer before you had dinner with your wife and her seven brothers and the neighbor down the street. Just saying yes, would have satisfied me.
And not to knock on accents but its Cal-e-forn-ya not Collie-forn-ya.
"Welcome to FastTax Land. We have Adventure land where you can take a cruise thru the jungle of red tape and tax laws as you fill out your tax form. There's Fantasyland where you can imagin what your tax refund should be. Tomorrow land where you can see IRS agents hardly working to screw-up next years tax laws. And finally there's Frontier land for those past tax returns you have not filed. Don't forget our popular rides of Pirates of the IRS, the Haunted Tax Return and the ever popular it’s a Small Refund."
How about Customers say the darndest things? Because really…
I had a guy say to me (exact quote) "I'm working on my return, and it asked me to save a couple times, but I didn't because I wasn't concerned about my computer crashing. But then I installed the state and it restarted the program, where’s my data I entered?"
I’ve also had a guy ask me if underscore was one word or two, with that a co-worker just recently had a customer spell out the word underscore.
Another co-worker actually had a customer shout (and we do mean shout,) “YOU’RE A LIVE PERSON!” when he answered the phone.
And one time, though it was rare, I had a guy that I can assume was from India (at one point in time) based on the accent, actually say to me “thank god you’re in the united states.”
Furthermore, I just wish that customers would allow me to talk and not give me a novel answer. When I ask "Did you install the product onto your computer," a simple yes would suffice….
I don't need to know the computer's life story, nor do I need to know how you got into your car, drove to the store, picked up milk and FastTax and put it on your computer before you had dinner with your wife and her seven brothers and the neighbor down the street. Just saying yes, would have satisfied me.
And not to knock on accents but its Cal-e-forn-ya not Collie-forn-ya.
"Welcome to FastTax Land. We have Adventure land where you can take a cruise thru the jungle of red tape and tax laws as you fill out your tax form. There's Fantasyland where you can imagin what your tax refund should be. Tomorrow land where you can see IRS agents hardly working to screw-up next years tax laws. And finally there's Frontier land for those past tax returns you have not filed. Don't forget our popular rides of Pirates of the IRS, the Haunted Tax Return and the ever popular it’s a Small Refund."
I never wanted to be THIS kind of Vagabond
Reason number 453 on why my life is quazi-depressing at times.
The good news is I found a place and I'm moving in with my friend Taryna.
The only problem is that the place is not ready until the 15th of February, and I however have to be out on the 1st so I guess what I will do is rent a motel type place for two weeks and just keep all my stuff in there, which wouldn’t be so bad. Just seems like a rather gloomy approach.
Sort of gives me that “homeless” feel. Which granted, I more or less am after the 1st? I just never thought I would see myself in this position. This is the type of position my mother would be in, not me.
The good news is I found a place and I'm moving in with my friend Taryna.
The only problem is that the place is not ready until the 15th of February, and I however have to be out on the 1st so I guess what I will do is rent a motel type place for two weeks and just keep all my stuff in there, which wouldn’t be so bad. Just seems like a rather gloomy approach.
Sort of gives me that “homeless” feel. Which granted, I more or less am after the 1st? I just never thought I would see myself in this position. This is the type of position my mother would be in, not me.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Move me round the sun...
So, I’d like to say I have something intelligent to talk about like the Dali Lama, perhaps the whole bush vs. the world controversy… However I don’t.
I really have nothing special to say hence the lack of updates, lack of posts.
There’s been a lot of drama going on in my life and to avoid what I usually do, which is get pissed type up some huge blog about how much I hate people and blah blah blah I’ve just avoided writing entirely to avoid feelings being hurt and following my normal route.
Because I’m improving myself, I’m growing as a person and learning to think before I act, what a concept eh? (Hey I said I was learning, I didn’t say it was an overnight success!)
So drama aside, I have some rather interesting news that seems sort of skeptical, but if all things work well I will be doing part-time work as a Photographer for a local photography company here in town that does events, little league, graduations and other things.
This to me is a good step in the right direction. I want to be a photographer and while I don’t want to actually do in town photography type stuff (Prom/Wedding/Senior Portraiture) I think this will help me attain my goal of becoming a free lance photographer for magazines in the entertainment business.
I really have nothing special to say hence the lack of updates, lack of posts.
There’s been a lot of drama going on in my life and to avoid what I usually do, which is get pissed type up some huge blog about how much I hate people and blah blah blah I’ve just avoided writing entirely to avoid feelings being hurt and following my normal route.
Because I’m improving myself, I’m growing as a person and learning to think before I act, what a concept eh? (Hey I said I was learning, I didn’t say it was an overnight success!)
So drama aside, I have some rather interesting news that seems sort of skeptical, but if all things work well I will be doing part-time work as a Photographer for a local photography company here in town that does events, little league, graduations and other things.
This to me is a good step in the right direction. I want to be a photographer and while I don’t want to actually do in town photography type stuff (Prom/Wedding/Senior Portraiture) I think this will help me attain my goal of becoming a free lance photographer for magazines in the entertainment business.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Breathe No More....
So…Lets just say in the near future my “friends” list will be getting shorter.
In other news, I have a scheduled photo shoot on Saturday, so I’m hoping I can produce some really good photos from that. More on the fashion end.
I’ve got two female models and a male model as well as a “make up” artist. So I’m pretty psyched about it.
It’s going to be the one thing that allows me to distress myself somewhat. I’m having a tough time with life right now.
In other news, I have a scheduled photo shoot on Saturday, so I’m hoping I can produce some really good photos from that. More on the fashion end.
I’ve got two female models and a male model as well as a “make up” artist. So I’m pretty psyched about it.
It’s going to be the one thing that allows me to distress myself somewhat. I’m having a tough time with life right now.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Population Control.
I’ve discovered the reason why health insurance in the United States cost so freaking much. And why we (Americans) spend so much a year to stay healthy.
It’s very simple, Population control. People, who cannot afford to have health insurance or to stay healthy, die.
I have a bad tooth infection that’s run into my jaw/mouth and now it’s taking over my ear. Mutiny I tell you. I have the game of Risk going on inside of my face, which by the way is only on the left side of my face and as Jessica said, soon I’m going to have puss coming out my eye… But only on the left side… It’s like some one finally got hold of Russia… (Eddie fan’s will get that one)
I’ve taken “Pain Away” (combination of Acetaminophen, Aspirin and caffeine), “Non- Aspirin” an Acetaminophen and Ibuprofen from our Company First Aid Kit, to get rid of the pain, which FYI, isn’t working. I think by the end of this week my liver is going to flip me off and leave my body and I will have some kind of bodily malfunction and die.
Really, it’s all population control.
It’s very simple, Population control. People, who cannot afford to have health insurance or to stay healthy, die.
I have a bad tooth infection that’s run into my jaw/mouth and now it’s taking over my ear. Mutiny I tell you. I have the game of Risk going on inside of my face, which by the way is only on the left side of my face and as Jessica said, soon I’m going to have puss coming out my eye… But only on the left side… It’s like some one finally got hold of Russia… (Eddie fan’s will get that one)
I’ve taken “Pain Away” (combination of Acetaminophen, Aspirin and caffeine), “Non- Aspirin” an Acetaminophen and Ibuprofen from our Company First Aid Kit, to get rid of the pain, which FYI, isn’t working. I think by the end of this week my liver is going to flip me off and leave my body and I will have some kind of bodily malfunction and die.
Really, it’s all population control.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Its now... or... um.. Never?
I filled out the FASFA so that I can see if I can get loans and grants to go to school…. The plan is to be able to leave intuit in April, and go to school for may-august, then re-apply at intuit and work again, but also take courses and hopefully get them to work around school schedule….Don’t see why that wouldn’t work?
My goal is to stop being the reject without a college degree...
My goal is to stop being the reject without a college degree...
Monday, January 08, 2007
Martial Art of Bull Shitting.
There is one thing high school did for me… wait, it was more what a class did for me.
I spent 3.3 years on the Palantir Staff (High School Newspaper Staff) and having done that I will say it did a few things for me. Number One, It kept me highly trained in the art of bull shitting.
Each day for a two week period we would have little staff meetings or debriefing when each editor would stand up and go over the list of stories asking writers how they were doing on their assignments and if they were having any difficulties. And each meeting would go as so
Editor: How is your story coming?
Writer: “It’s almost done; I have one more interview, nothing big, just some last minute verification” Meanwhile that writer would be thinking “I have no idea, I haven’t even got a word on a page..:: gasp:: I’ve forgotten how to write!”
And then we had a 3 nights a week “work night” or what I refer to as Punishment for not getting your shit done. In these work nights, there was often a similar briefing on where locations, occasional inanimate object, becoming animate as someone hurled it toward their offender, the occasional cursing and death threats. Blenderizations (trademark Jess and Jennie) and Pizza, which brings me to the second thing I learned in Palantir, you CAN in fact O.D on Pizza and its probably best to skip your last period and hit up taco bell before coming in, as you have a grueling 3-4 hours of hell a head of you… …And the third thing I learned, advertisements serve as good leverage to getting free pizza.
It was these beloved work nights that the following conversation might occur for a writer:
Editor: Where is your story? It’s not on the computer?
Writer: "Story is done, I'm putting it on the computer today." :: Actual thoughts:: "Christ, I have to find 4 friends to get fake quotes from so I don't look like a total moron.....Now where did I put my cell phone? :searches pockets: Crap. Where did I put my pen? :: as pen sits neatly in hair used as a hair fastening device:: Does anyone have a crayon? Marker? How about electrical tape and scissors? I'll strategically cut out words and put them on...:: looks around finds envelope:: THIS!"
And thus, I learned the “Martial Art of Bull Shitting.” To be used later in life… trust me.
I spent 3.3 years on the Palantir Staff (High School Newspaper Staff) and having done that I will say it did a few things for me. Number One, It kept me highly trained in the art of bull shitting.
Each day for a two week period we would have little staff meetings or debriefing when each editor would stand up and go over the list of stories asking writers how they were doing on their assignments and if they were having any difficulties. And each meeting would go as so
Editor: How is your story coming?
Writer: “It’s almost done; I have one more interview, nothing big, just some last minute verification” Meanwhile that writer would be thinking “I have no idea, I haven’t even got a word on a page..:: gasp:: I’ve forgotten how to write!”
And then we had a 3 nights a week “work night” or what I refer to as Punishment for not getting your shit done. In these work nights, there was often a similar briefing on where locations, occasional inanimate object, becoming animate as someone hurled it toward their offender, the occasional cursing and death threats. Blenderizations (trademark Jess and Jennie) and Pizza, which brings me to the second thing I learned in Palantir, you CAN in fact O.D on Pizza and its probably best to skip your last period and hit up taco bell before coming in, as you have a grueling 3-4 hours of hell a head of you… …And the third thing I learned, advertisements serve as good leverage to getting free pizza.
It was these beloved work nights that the following conversation might occur for a writer:
Editor: Where is your story? It’s not on the computer?
Writer: "Story is done, I'm putting it on the computer today." :: Actual thoughts:: "Christ, I have to find 4 friends to get fake quotes from so I don't look like a total moron.....Now where did I put my cell phone? :searches pockets: Crap. Where did I put my pen? :: as pen sits neatly in hair used as a hair fastening device:: Does anyone have a crayon? Marker? How about electrical tape and scissors? I'll strategically cut out words and put them on...:: looks around finds envelope:: THIS!"
And thus, I learned the “Martial Art of Bull Shitting.” To be used later in life… trust me.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Say My Name, Please
It’s something strange when people actually use a persons name in a conversation for more than just addressing them at the beginning. Such as “Is Jessica there?” Rarely do people have conversations where intermittently they will speak the person’s name.
I have only known one person to do this and when he does, for some reason it sends shocks down the frame of my body.
It draws my mind to attention and it makes me smile inside. To hear or read my name written would be the vanity and the joy that it brings from the person that does this.
It’s a strange feeling that I get, and I wouldn’t say it’s all narcissistic of me (and no that isn’t a disease…. Or is it?) I imagine that if other people did it there would be the same reaction, but think about it. How often do people use your name in conversation? And Just thinking about it makes me realize the personalization that it gives.
I have only known one person to do this and when he does, for some reason it sends shocks down the frame of my body.
It draws my mind to attention and it makes me smile inside. To hear or read my name written would be the vanity and the joy that it brings from the person that does this.
It’s a strange feeling that I get, and I wouldn’t say it’s all narcissistic of me (and no that isn’t a disease…. Or is it?) I imagine that if other people did it there would be the same reaction, but think about it. How often do people use your name in conversation? And Just thinking about it makes me realize the personalization that it gives.
I havnt anything to say
But I will say one thing...
Having cried myself to sleep last night and had twisting and tormenting nightmares, not to mention the numbing cold that caused my feet to ache...
And then today, the funeral, the sadness, the pain that I felt from this loss.
To the arguments with the roommates.
I forfiet.
How can I feel so broken, so lost, and yet still breathe and move each day? How do I even find the strength to move?
Fear.
I've developed a paranoia.
Forfeit.
Having cried myself to sleep last night and had twisting and tormenting nightmares, not to mention the numbing cold that caused my feet to ache...
And then today, the funeral, the sadness, the pain that I felt from this loss.
To the arguments with the roommates.
I forfiet.
How can I feel so broken, so lost, and yet still breathe and move each day? How do I even find the strength to move?
Fear.
I've developed a paranoia.
Forfeit.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Some advice, okay? Just don't point your fuckin' finger at crazy people!
I had a horrifying and appalling dream twice within a week, and each time it left me feeling gross, so gross I immediately had to take a shower… supporting the fact that I feel I might be insane and that there is something terribly wrong with me that alone I will not be able to escape.
She didn’t know it, but when she made the comment “you’re straight jacket crazy” and I made the defense, that straightjacket crazy meant that you were unknowingly doing things… Or as she put it “Straight jacket crazy is when you think you’re god.” But I had to I think to myself that she could be right, and that I am severely unhinged.
I guess, really, all in all I feel like I’m at a point in my life where I can’t even break down if I wanted/needed to... Like the more I think, and the more I read, the more I realize how much "help" I need, and I can’t even get it because I can’t stop working for fear of jail because of the situation I am.
In all reality I need a “vacation,” because I am more or less running off of fumes.
I need to be locked up in a little tiny room and observed because the things going on in my head are not right. I’m an emotional wreck, and I feel that one day I’m going to snap and then people will be able to call me crazy, and have it be true, because I will be sitting in a room, carving words into my arms and screaming uncontrollably for no reason.
I’m afraid of this.
So I hide my true self with smiles, and the visage that I’m strong, trying to fake strong might not necessarily be a bad thing, because they say, “fake it till you make it.” So if I fake it long enough I could be strong, or maybe I’d just be a pathological liar.
This isn’t your average “oh I stole money, I feel awful,” or “oh, I never graduated high school, I’m a fucking loser” type feeling to me. It’s a lot deeper, more emotional scars, haunting me. It’s that has happened to me, every little detail that I have never told anyone.
I cannot accept these things alone, I don’t have the power to accept them and move on, nor do I have the strength. These things that make me feel bad, feel gross, feel stupid, feel useless/worthless, lifeless; things I've never truly faced for fear of judgment.
My only driving factor at this point is fear. Fear keeps me running… and it wakes me up on a cold night, sweat dripping down my face; uncontrollably shaking. I feel like I’m in a capsizing submarine, and that I’m going to be sucked under by the fears that I have. Fear is my salvation and my executioner….
She didn’t know it, but when she made the comment “you’re straight jacket crazy” and I made the defense, that straightjacket crazy meant that you were unknowingly doing things… Or as she put it “Straight jacket crazy is when you think you’re god.” But I had to I think to myself that she could be right, and that I am severely unhinged.
I guess, really, all in all I feel like I’m at a point in my life where I can’t even break down if I wanted/needed to... Like the more I think, and the more I read, the more I realize how much "help" I need, and I can’t even get it because I can’t stop working for fear of jail because of the situation I am.
In all reality I need a “vacation,” because I am more or less running off of fumes.
I need to be locked up in a little tiny room and observed because the things going on in my head are not right. I’m an emotional wreck, and I feel that one day I’m going to snap and then people will be able to call me crazy, and have it be true, because I will be sitting in a room, carving words into my arms and screaming uncontrollably for no reason.
I’m afraid of this.
So I hide my true self with smiles, and the visage that I’m strong, trying to fake strong might not necessarily be a bad thing, because they say, “fake it till you make it.” So if I fake it long enough I could be strong, or maybe I’d just be a pathological liar.
This isn’t your average “oh I stole money, I feel awful,” or “oh, I never graduated high school, I’m a fucking loser” type feeling to me. It’s a lot deeper, more emotional scars, haunting me. It’s that has happened to me, every little detail that I have never told anyone.
I cannot accept these things alone, I don’t have the power to accept them and move on, nor do I have the strength. These things that make me feel bad, feel gross, feel stupid, feel useless/worthless, lifeless; things I've never truly faced for fear of judgment.
My only driving factor at this point is fear. Fear keeps me running… and it wakes me up on a cold night, sweat dripping down my face; uncontrollably shaking. I feel like I’m in a capsizing submarine, and that I’m going to be sucked under by the fears that I have. Fear is my salvation and my executioner….
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
So here’s to a year of becoming a book worm again!
So, when it comes to people and how I interact with them I’m generally the first person to say exactly what I feel. If I don’t like you I will not hesitate to tell you, if I like you, you will know. If I have a problem with you, I will probably stop talking to you…but all in all, I will tell you what the problem is.
I find this completely ironic considering the type of person I am. I take what people think about me to heart, even people I don’t even know. And for what reason do I have to be torn by people who mean very little to me if they are unknown? Perhaps it’s my desire to be liked, which I can pretty much say that psychologically speaking comes from the years of mental abuse I received from family members. This isn’t to say that my family is horrible; it’s to say that I have been condition to think that I am more or less worthless.
Someone asked me why what people who I don’t know who said something about me would matter, and this was the reason I could come up with. Deductive reasoning said this is where it stems. In fact, I would have to say that my general feeling of self worth comes from the fact that I have been conditioned to feel the way I have. In side I like to think that I am better than the standards that have been set for me by others, and this of course is also in direct correlation to the standards I have for myself, perhaps why I am my own worst critic. Again this could also be in correlation to the artist inside of me striving for perfection, setting standards and goals that sometimes are not attainable.
And then I think that if I were to set a goal that was attainable that it would completely set me in a spiral backwards, perhaps I thrive on the negativity I have. That without it I would not know how to exist?
This brings me to something I have been thinking about for quite sometime which is the expected New Years Resolution.
I started thinking about this about 3 weeks before the end of the year. I didn’t want to do a resolution that I wasn’t able to keep. I didn’t want to have a cliché resolution like “I want to lose weight” because it’s only a matter of time before that resolution would fail, like they almost always do.
So I thought hard about what I love to do, and what I don’t love. And I came to the conclusion that my resolution was to be something different. I resolved to read more books and to learn more about things I don’t understand. I Love reading, so reading more would only be a good thing and learning about things I do not understand would help me with what I don't love. I do not like being clueless, I like to be able to carry on conversations about things and actually have knowledge about what I'm talking about.
Simple. Attainable. Perfect.
The connection it has between how I am in desperate need to be liked is because I know some of why I react the way I do, but not entirely, so If I study more and stop and think more about cause an effect within me, perhaps I will gain more knowledge so that in future events I will be able to make smart decisions and less decisions based on my emotions. It also coincides because reading will only help me gain more knowledge no matter what type of reading it is. There is always something to learn. It doesn’t hurt that the type of books/reading I am drawn to generally falls under the psychology category and that I am drawn to human interest type books.
So here’s to a year of becoming a book worm again!
I find this completely ironic considering the type of person I am. I take what people think about me to heart, even people I don’t even know. And for what reason do I have to be torn by people who mean very little to me if they are unknown? Perhaps it’s my desire to be liked, which I can pretty much say that psychologically speaking comes from the years of mental abuse I received from family members. This isn’t to say that my family is horrible; it’s to say that I have been condition to think that I am more or less worthless.
Someone asked me why what people who I don’t know who said something about me would matter, and this was the reason I could come up with. Deductive reasoning said this is where it stems. In fact, I would have to say that my general feeling of self worth comes from the fact that I have been conditioned to feel the way I have. In side I like to think that I am better than the standards that have been set for me by others, and this of course is also in direct correlation to the standards I have for myself, perhaps why I am my own worst critic. Again this could also be in correlation to the artist inside of me striving for perfection, setting standards and goals that sometimes are not attainable.
And then I think that if I were to set a goal that was attainable that it would completely set me in a spiral backwards, perhaps I thrive on the negativity I have. That without it I would not know how to exist?
This brings me to something I have been thinking about for quite sometime which is the expected New Years Resolution.
I started thinking about this about 3 weeks before the end of the year. I didn’t want to do a resolution that I wasn’t able to keep. I didn’t want to have a cliché resolution like “I want to lose weight” because it’s only a matter of time before that resolution would fail, like they almost always do.
So I thought hard about what I love to do, and what I don’t love. And I came to the conclusion that my resolution was to be something different. I resolved to read more books and to learn more about things I don’t understand. I Love reading, so reading more would only be a good thing and learning about things I do not understand would help me with what I don't love. I do not like being clueless, I like to be able to carry on conversations about things and actually have knowledge about what I'm talking about.
Simple. Attainable. Perfect.
The connection it has between how I am in desperate need to be liked is because I know some of why I react the way I do, but not entirely, so If I study more and stop and think more about cause an effect within me, perhaps I will gain more knowledge so that in future events I will be able to make smart decisions and less decisions based on my emotions. It also coincides because reading will only help me gain more knowledge no matter what type of reading it is. There is always something to learn. It doesn’t hurt that the type of books/reading I am drawn to generally falls under the psychology category and that I am drawn to human interest type books.
So here’s to a year of becoming a book worm again!
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